Search found 316 matches

by capricorn
26 Jan 2020, 03:59
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Christmas Remembrance (revision 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 2341

Re: Christmas Remembrance (revision 3)

I couldn't resist another revision
by capricorn
26 Jan 2020, 03:58
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: The Nestling
Replies: 1
Views: 23

The Nestling

The Nestling (revision) Hunched over the body tumbled from its sycamore cradle, her mind takes flight. He arrived quietly, entwined, wrapped in a hospital blanket. The room hushed as they rushed him away with one glimpse no caress or goodbye. The attic kept her secret, a shawl folded in a tiny crib,...
by capricorn
26 Jan 2020, 02:14
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Black as the coal workers, the soot collects in her hair.
Replies: 5
Views: 245

Re: Black as the coal workers, the soot collects in her hair.

Great revision, Siva and a fascinating poem.

I love 'the rain coughed' - such a good description.

'I saw my tiny grandchild praying to the iron box.' makes the poem so personal.

Good ending.
Eira
by capricorn
26 Jan 2020, 01:44
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Sleeping on a Roof
Replies: 6
Views: 78

Re: Sleeping on a Roof

Hi Bob, Brilliant poem - unusual topic. I feel it might need a little trim in parts - a few suggestions below (only if they suit your intentions.) She brought me home from a reading, saying no poet should sleep so rough then [she] trimmed my long hair, [her] scissors striding expertly. Personally, ...
by capricorn
05 Jan 2020, 23:36
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Escape from Routine
Replies: 5
Views: 1227

Re: Escape from Routine

Thanks Bob!
by capricorn
05 Jan 2020, 23:35
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming January IBPC 2020:
Replies: 13
Views: 1018

Re: Upcoming January IBPC 2020:

Thanks Bob & Michael. This is my unpublished poem; my email is presentideaseira@hotmail.com. I am not representing any other forum. Escape from routine Rhythmically humming, the washer tumbles dolphin towels with multicoloured swimwear. On top, a plastic pail of gulfweed gathered for grandma’s achin...
by capricorn
31 Dec 2019, 04:11
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming January IBPC 2020:
Replies: 13
Views: 1018

Re: Upcoming January IBPC 2020:

Bob's 'Coming Back' and Siva's 'Marakuli'. I am still considering a third.

Eira
by capricorn
27 Dec 2019, 03:11
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Coming Back
Replies: 16
Views: 2337

Re: Chicken Soup In Times of Disaster

Hi Bob, I'm never too clever with titles. If you keep the present one, then a question mark at the end. Is There A Chicken Soup That Can Save Me? Now you mention it, I think st 1&2 could be deleted - stanza 2 certainly could. I still like St 1, but this could be trimmed back to I have become a strip...
by capricorn
23 Dec 2019, 05:29
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Coming Back
Replies: 16
Views: 2337

Re: Chicken Soup In Times of Disaster

I love your latest version, Bob, especially Just as trees stripped by a gale cannot hope to gather up their fallen leaves in their arms, to sleeve their limbs again in green, 'to sleeve their limbs in green' is wonderful! I cannot see anything I would change. Eira To be nit-picky, I pray for a mirac...
by capricorn
16 Dec 2019, 01:49
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: A Manoeuvre
Replies: 5
Views: 1226

Re: A Manoeuvre

Bob has given some great suggestions, Meena. This just needs some more tightening.
As for the knees hurting - I know just what you mean! Ouch!

Eira
by capricorn
16 Dec 2019, 01:44
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Escape from Routine
Replies: 5
Views: 1227

Re: Escape from Routine

You're using alliteration more and more....but here you capture the sensation of giggling with alliteration and assonance. Is it too much or just delightful? I think it's great we giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle toes Thanks Bob, I sometimes wonder if I go too far with alliteration, but I do love us...
by capricorn
16 Dec 2019, 01:41
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Coming Back
Replies: 16
Views: 2337

Re: Chicken Soup In Times of Disaster

Your latest revision seems like a different poem on the same theme, Bob and although I like both versions I have to say I fear I have become a stripped dandelion, my best days behind me, all hopes blown. sounds more interesting/original for an opening stanza,than I am overwhelmed by loneliness, as h...
by capricorn
07 Dec 2019, 17:29
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Escape from Routine
Replies: 5
Views: 1227

Escape from Routine

Summer is far away, but it's nice to dream! Escape from routine Rhythmically humming, the washer tumbles dolphin towels with multicoloured swimwear. On top, a plastic pail of gulfweed gathered for grandma’s aching feet. We zig-zag dunes, exploring, sand scratching between toes; shells and pebbles co...
by capricorn
07 Dec 2019, 17:24
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: The Moon Walk
Replies: 11
Views: 2047

Re: The Moon Walk

Great revision, Bob.
It does help to read your poem out aloud - I do try and remember that!

Eira
by capricorn
07 Dec 2019, 17:21
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Marakuli
Replies: 6
Views: 1443

Re: Marakuli

Yes, Bob's suggestions are spot on. A fascinating poem - I really enjoyed!

Eira
by capricorn
04 Dec 2019, 03:58
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Christmas Remembrance (revision 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 2341

Re: Christmas Remembrance (revision 2)

Thank you Bob and Judy for your help with this one and thanks Michael for the nomination.

Eira
by capricorn
04 Dec 2019, 03:54
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming December IBPC 2019:
Replies: 11
Views: 2020

Re: Upcoming December IBPC 2019:

Eira Needham presentideaseira@hotmail.com My original work, not published elsewhere or representing another forum Christmas Remembrance Warmed by a familiar whiff of Rose Eau-De-Cologne, from the perfume counter, I remember wondering, what shall I buy her? Fingering a shilling in my pocket, I spot t...
by capricorn
04 Dec 2019, 03:42
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming December IBPC 2019:
Replies: 11
Views: 2020

Re: Upcoming December IBPC 2019:

Thank you Michael, and I accept.
I had come to nom Bob's Beethoven Dying, so glad this has been chosen - also to second Judy's poem.
by capricorn
02 Dec 2019, 04:48
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Christmas Remembrance (revision 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 2341

Re: Christmas Remembrance (revision 2)

Thank you for your advice, Judy. I am with you on revision and often do many revisions until I'm satisfied (if ever!) Some of my best poems, I've worked on for months/years. I don't think a cut right back then put some back approach really suits me, I prefer to keep chipping away. I've finished a se...
by capricorn
02 Dec 2019, 04:37
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Christmas Remembrance (revision 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 2341

Re: Christmas Remembrance revision 1

This is much better! I like how you have folded the mother piece into the bigger cloth here. "unwrap" should probably be "unwrapping"....Judy makes some good points to consider. The last stanza is too telling, and the poem loses its chance for a big impact. Look to redo that stanza, bringing an emo...
by capricorn
30 Nov 2019, 19:38
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Christmas Remembrance (revision 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 2341

Re: Christmas Remembrance

There’s lots of nice details here, but the present day section seems too long for maximum impact, and the 1958 section could benefit from a stronger emotional ending.... so why not combine the mother theme of the 2nd stanza into the ending of the first poem/section? Just something to think about......
by capricorn
30 Nov 2019, 03:50
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Christmas Remembrance (revision 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 2341

Christmas Remembrance (revision 3)

I couldn't resist another revision! Christmas Gifts (revision 3) Blown away, by a familiar whiff of Rose Eau-De-Cologne, spritzed at the perfume counter, I remember wondering what to buy her. Fingering the shilling in my pocket, I spy a tiny bottle, with pink bow neck. This gift wrapped like a pass ...
by capricorn
30 Nov 2019, 03:23
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Untitled
Replies: 9
Views: 3660

Re: Untitled

You have some lovely lines in this, Judy, I quite like Bob's idea of starting with And when he went away she learned to be content with nothing where something had been; It seems more direct to start this way. I love the imagery of these stanzas when the sun rose over everything and wind carried the...
by capricorn
30 Nov 2019, 03:12
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Beethoven Dying
Replies: 12
Views: 3058

Re: Beethoven Dying

A lovely poem, Bob. I think perhaps some more details could be trimmed back. Perhaps St1 would be more direct if the first line were deleted I held my old friend's trembling hand as he spoke of better times. Also delete 'legend has it' (don't think it's needed) thunder rumbled outside his window two...

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