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by BobBradshaw
12 Dec 2019, 00:14
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Is There a Chicken Soup That Can Save Me
Replies: 5
Views: 148

Re: Is There a Chicken Soup That Can Save Me

Would the closing line work better with "squeezed life into mine" instead of "wrung life into mine"? Or maybe the verb "pressed"?
by BobBradshaw
11 Dec 2019, 23:57
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Escape from Routine
Replies: 2
Views: 101

Re: Escape from Routine

You're using alliteration more and more....but here you capture the sensation of giggling with alliteration and assonance. Is it too much or just delightful? I think it's great

we giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle toes
by BobBradshaw
11 Dec 2019, 22:39
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: A Manoeuvre
Replies: 1
Views: 25

Re: A Manoeuvre

Ah, middle age and the beginning demise....You capture the frustration of this well. I love the line "entered the middle age all too soon". Ha! True. There are a number of places to compress slightly...some here, some there. I like the idea of the closing line...but "appear" is like "really" in a po...
by BobBradshaw
09 Dec 2019, 09:10
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Is There a Chicken Soup That Can Save Me
Replies: 5
Views: 148

Re: Is There a Chicken Soup That Can Save Me

Revised....thx for your ideas, Judy....
by BobBradshaw
09 Dec 2019, 01:32
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: The Moon Walk
Replies: 11
Views: 322

Re: The Moon Walk

Thanks, Judy.... your insight is right on....I have revised it
by BobBradshaw
07 Dec 2019, 22:07
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Is There a Chicken Soup That Can Save Me
Replies: 5
Views: 148

Is There a Chicken Soup That Can Save Me

V2: Is There A Chicken Soup That Can Save Me I fear I have become a stripped dandelion, my best days behind me, all hopes blown. I pray this steaming bowl can revive me, like heart paddles applied by strangers once did. I’m always thrown back on the hopes of strangers saving my life, you too once a ...
by BobBradshaw
07 Dec 2019, 21:20
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Escape from Routine
Replies: 2
Views: 101

Re: Escape from Routine

A pleasant slice of life
by BobBradshaw
07 Dec 2019, 02:57
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Marakuli
Replies: 5
Views: 193

Re: Marakuli

Of course. I am glad it’s helpful.
by BobBradshaw
06 Dec 2019, 22:15
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Marakuli
Replies: 5
Views: 193

Re: Marakuli

I love the ending: I, Marakuli, come when babysitters lose their patience. Ha! The last 2 lines are so endearing(and humorous) I'm not sure if you need the 2 lines preceding them(a sore sight is cliched anyway). Another line to toss is "how like the wind"...again it's a phrase used way too often to ...
by BobBradshaw
05 Dec 2019, 06:47
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: The Moon Walk
Replies: 11
Views: 322

Re: The Moon Walk

These are terrific suggestions...I have reflected them in V2. Thx, Judy
by BobBradshaw
05 Dec 2019, 00:24
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: The Moon Walk
Replies: 11
Views: 322

The Moon Walk

V3: The Moon Walk It’s nearly another anniversary of the day Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin bounced across a powdery surface, Neil’s shadow as grainy as the ultrasound images of our son, 14 years later. But this was 1969 and I was on the verge of college; my sister had found Jesus, and Dad had been ...
by BobBradshaw
04 Dec 2019, 02:25
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Christmas Remembrance (revision 2)
Replies: 11
Views: 492

Re: Christmas Remembrance (revision 2)

Lovely! Post your poem at writer’s palaver....Michael has nominated it
by BobBradshaw
04 Dec 2019, 01:21
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming December IBPC 2019:
Replies: 11
Views: 521

Re: Upcoming December IBPC 2019:

BobBradshaw bobbybradshw@yahoo.com Poem is original, unpublished and not nominated in any other forum Beethoven Dying I held my old friend’s trembling hand as he spoke of better times. He hummed an unrecognizable tune, and spoke of a work that would be like no other. For weeks he had wrestled with i...
by BobBradshaw
04 Dec 2019, 00:11
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming December IBPC 2019:
Replies: 11
Views: 521

Re: Upcoming December IBPC 2019:

“Beethoven Dying” is as available. I will post later today. Thx, Michael
by BobBradshaw
03 Dec 2019, 08:53
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Untitled
Replies: 9
Views: 1658

Re: Untitled

This is much better. The strength of the poem is in the last 7 lines. Cut “cruel” from “cruel joke”... both redundant and cliched. Your trimming has been productive. However, this stanza could do with more pruning, more compression. I would replace the greens and blues references with specific image...
by BobBradshaw
02 Dec 2019, 21:53
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: When They Make The Movie of Your Life
Replies: 7
Views: 1420

Re: When They Make The Movie of Your Life

Judy, this poem has been nominated for the IBPC. Please post in Writer's Palaver if you accept or not. If you accept, please post the version there of the poem you want sent. Thx
by BobBradshaw
02 Dec 2019, 06:16
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Christmas Remembrance (revision 2)
Replies: 11
Views: 492

Re: Christmas Remembrance (revision 2)

The ending is much better...I like how the last 2 stanzas bring this poem to its close
by BobBradshaw
01 Dec 2019, 21:15
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming December IBPC 2019:
Replies: 11
Views: 521

Re: Upcoming December IBPC 2019:

I nominate Judy's "When They Make a Movie of your Life", Frank's "A Sparrow Found" and Ken's "The Annunciation".
by BobBradshaw
01 Dec 2019, 05:15
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Christmas Remembrance (revision 2)
Replies: 11
Views: 492

Re: Christmas Remembrance revision 1

This is much better! I like how you have folded the mother piece into the bigger cloth here. "unwrap" should probably be "unwrapping"....Judy makes some good points to consider. The last stanza is too telling, and the poem loses its chance for a big impact. Look to redo that stanza, bringing an emot...
by BobBradshaw
30 Nov 2019, 09:23
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Christmas Remembrance (revision 2)
Replies: 11
Views: 492

Re: Christmas Remembrance

There’s lots of nice details here, but the present day section seems too long for maximum impact, and the 1958 section could benefit from a stronger emotional ending.... so why not combine the mother theme of the 2nd stanza into the ending of the first poem/section? Just something to think about.......
by BobBradshaw
30 Nov 2019, 09:13
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Beethoven Dying
Replies: 12
Views: 943

Re: Beethoven Dying

Good suggestions....
by BobBradshaw
27 Nov 2019, 22:04
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Beethoven Dying
Replies: 12
Views: 943

Re: Beethoven Dying

Thanks, Siva, for your comments...appreciated
by BobBradshaw
27 Nov 2019, 06:58
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Poems that placed in the November IBPC 2019   (Congrats Siva, and Bob}
Replies: 4
Views: 708

Re: Poems that placed in the November IBPC 2019   (Congrats Siva, and Bob}

A fabulous poem, Siva...imho your poem should have placed first...but it doesn't matter...the honor of being recognized for your work is what matters. Congrats again!
by BobBradshaw
27 Nov 2019, 06:49
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Beethoven Dying
Replies: 12
Views: 943

Re: Beethoven Dying

Judy, I have now removed "and that was it...". Another thanks owed....

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