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by BobBradshaw
01 Dec 2019, 05:15
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Christmas Remembrance (revision 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 4663

Re: Christmas Remembrance revision 1

This is much better! I like how you have folded the mother piece into the bigger cloth here. "unwrap" should probably be "unwrapping"....Judy makes some good points to consider. The last stanza is too telling, and the poem loses its chance for a big impact. Look to redo that stanza, bringing an emot...
by BobBradshaw
30 Nov 2019, 09:23
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Christmas Remembrance (revision 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 4663

Re: Christmas Remembrance

There’s lots of nice details here, but the present day section seems too long for maximum impact, and the 1958 section could benefit from a stronger emotional ending.... so why not combine the mother theme of the 2nd stanza into the ending of the first poem/section? Just something to think about.......
by BobBradshaw
30 Nov 2019, 09:13
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Beethoven Dying
Replies: 12
Views: 3898

Re: Beethoven Dying

Good suggestions....
by BobBradshaw
27 Nov 2019, 22:04
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Beethoven Dying
Replies: 12
Views: 3898

Re: Beethoven Dying

Thanks, Siva, for your comments...appreciated
by BobBradshaw
27 Nov 2019, 06:58
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Poems that placed in the November IBPC 2019   (Congrats Siva, and Bob}
Replies: 4
Views: 2926

Re: Poems that placed in the November IBPC 2019   (Congrats Siva, and Bob}

A fabulous poem, Siva...imho your poem should have placed first...but it doesn't matter...the honor of being recognized for your work is what matters. Congrats again!
by BobBradshaw
27 Nov 2019, 06:49
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Beethoven Dying
Replies: 12
Views: 3898

Re: Beethoven Dying

Judy, I have now removed "and that was it...". Another thanks owed....
by BobBradshaw
26 Nov 2019, 21:56
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Beethoven Dying
Replies: 12
Views: 3898

Re: Beethoven Dying

Thanks, Judy...I have taken some of your ideas....
by BobBradshaw
26 Nov 2019, 00:24
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Beethoven Dying
Replies: 12
Views: 3898

Beethoven Dying

Nov 25 at 9:28 AM V2: Beethoven Dying I held my old friend’s trembling hand as he spoke of better times. He hummed an unrecognizable tune, and spoke of a work that would be like no other. For weeks he had wrestled with it, never writing any of it down. Gripping his pain-wrenched gut, Beethoven fell ...
by BobBradshaw
22 Nov 2019, 05:01
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Untitled
Replies: 9
Views: 4380

Re: Untitled

There are many fine lines in this. My only suggestion would be to start with the 2nd stanza but start with "When he went away". fine lines: That this much beauty still existed that greens continued to hurt the eye and blues continued to break the heart lovely close: complaining bitterly about how br...
by BobBradshaw
22 Nov 2019, 04:55
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: odds and endings
Replies: 7
Views: 3566

Re: odds and endings

Don't be silly. Ken and I are involved in a 30/30 sprint at another forum. It requires a lot of our time. It happens twice a year, in April and November. We'll be back soon...keep writing
by BobBradshaw
09 Nov 2019, 03:35
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Walt Whitman, 1863
Replies: 7
Views: 3124

Re: Walt Whitman, 1863

Thanks, Meenas, for your POV. I appreciate it.
by BobBradshaw
09 Nov 2019, 03:33
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Walt Whitman, 1863
Replies: 7
Views: 3124

Re: Walt Whitman, 1863

Judy, thx to your encouragement I have shortened the poem a bit. Thank you
by BobBradshaw
09 Nov 2019, 03:27
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Walt Whitman, 1863
Replies: 7
Views: 3124

Re: Walt Whitman, 1863

Judy, I disagree about those lines being confusing. But I appreciate your taking so much time to look at this poem. I value your input.
by BobBradshaw
08 Nov 2019, 07:36
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Walt Whitman, 1863
Replies: 7
Views: 3124

Re: Walt Whitman, 1863

You make interesting points, Judy. Perhaps I should start the poem with the third stanza....and tweak the title accordingly
by BobBradshaw
07 Nov 2019, 05:05
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Walt Whitman, 1863
Replies: 7
Views: 3124

Walt Whitman, 1863

V2: Walt Whitman, 1863 He was frequently asked by wounded and dying soldiers to write home for them, or to seek out their friends. Often the "men", many teenagers, were out of their heads— dreams and waking mixed like fog and smoke. One legless soldier kept calling Walt his sister. Walt held his han...
by BobBradshaw
06 Nov 2019, 09:43
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Manifesto
Replies: 13
Views: 4254

Re: Manifesto

This is a poetry workshop, a forum where we help each other improve our craft. It isn't a forum on faith, personal religious beliefs or non-beliefs. Tolerance of others' beliefs(or non-beliefs) is a low threshold we should all be able to meet. Personally I don't care if a poem is about religious fai...
by BobBradshaw
01 Nov 2019, 02:09
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: IBPC Poems of the Year May 2018 April 2019 (Congrats Bob)
Replies: 2
Views: 2270

Re: IBPC Poems of the Year May 2018 April 2019 (Congrats Bob)

Thx, Ken....”Radium Girls” is splendid...and at least equally good
by BobBradshaw
31 Oct 2019, 21:58
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming November IBPC 2019:
Replies: 19
Views: 6998

Re: Upcoming November IBPC 2019:

Thank you, guys. bobbybradshw@yahoo.com This is my original poem, and it hasn't been published anywhere. Neither is it at any other forum. Red Spider Lilies Spider lilies line our garden path, like a crowd carrying red candles. It's said they guide the dead to their afterlife. We strode this same wa...
by BobBradshaw
31 Oct 2019, 00:36
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Honor and Obey
Replies: 3
Views: 2199

Re: Honor and Obey

Good slice of life but I would cut this... unnecessary

I promise we'll come right home."
I said no.
by BobBradshaw
30 Oct 2019, 00:53
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Flight
Replies: 9
Views: 3471

Re: Flight

A poem isn't meant to be a hoarder's collection. But details can be revealing, and allow the reader to immerse herself into the poem, to feel more of a connection. Irrelevant details obviously aren't what we are talking about. This is a nice poem....but a detail or two, even a right adjective, could...
by BobBradshaw
29 Oct 2019, 23:12
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming November IBPC 2019:
Replies: 19
Views: 6998

Re: Upcoming November IBPC 2019:

I second Judy's "Across the River".
by BobBradshaw
29 Oct 2019, 23:09
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Flight
Replies: 9
Views: 3471

Re: Flight

I agree...the best line is "the weather brewing in your eyes"....a good premise, yes, and one which could be expanded on...adding some details to the breakfast cooling on the table, for example. As always, I like your conversational voice. It carries me along so easily.
by BobBradshaw
29 Oct 2019, 21:37
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Red Spider Lilies
Replies: 4
Views: 2299

Re: Red Spider Lilies

Thank you, guys....
by BobBradshaw
29 Oct 2019, 20:56
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming November IBPC 2019:
Replies: 19
Views: 6998

Re: Upcoming November IBPC 2019:

Ken's "Planters Moon"
Billy's "I Could Only Write This Today"
Siva's "Big House"

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