Search found 181 matches

by IndianaDP
14 Oct 2018, 22:33
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Eugenics (revision)
Replies: 11
Views: 18922

Eugenics (revision)

Revision- She is a beautiful woman who likes Chinese silk and French beaded bags, has a Masters from Wellesley in European Lit. In her library the spines of her books are pristine, the pages carefully turned as they’re read and marginal notes she writes in light pencil. She aspires to kindness, help...
by IndianaDP
14 Oct 2018, 22:32
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Welsh Cakes at War
Replies: 9
Views: 16250

Re: Welsh Cakes at War

It always amazes me how details can move a story forward, nicely done. I especially like the line with the mirror and the wardrobe door.
by IndianaDP
14 Oct 2018, 22:29
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: For Daryl
Replies: 3
Views: 7211

Re: For Daryl

Nicely written, I think I’ve lived a similar story.
by IndianaDP
14 Oct 2018, 03:19
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: A Paper Death
Replies: 9
Views: 14080

Re: A Paper Death

Hmm, I was reading it as the suicide came first.
by IndianaDP
13 Oct 2018, 21:17
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: A Paper Death
Replies: 9
Views: 14080

Re: A Paper Death

Well, I missed it in the first read, but can easily see it when going back. My ‘first thought is to condense the details surrounding the heart attach and expanding the suicide just a bit. The idea of contrasting the two events is compelling.
by IndianaDP
13 Oct 2018, 21:02
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: A Paper Death
Replies: 9
Views: 14080

Re: A Paper Death

If this is autobiograph I’m glad you survived and are hopefully doing well. I had a heart attach about six years ago, but not a severe one, two stents made me feel great.

Nicely written, I like the idea of dying on paper. IMO, the poem would work well starting with S4 and cutting the first 3.
by IndianaDP
13 Oct 2018, 20:53
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: After Her Brother Dies
Replies: 5
Views: 9350

Re: After Her Brother Dies

Ha ha, the iron lung line was one of my favorites, but I do see how it might not fit in. I did a bit of condensing to remove it.
by IndianaDP
13 Oct 2018, 20:48
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Little One
Replies: 4
Views: 8297

Re: Little One

Nicely done, straight forward, descriptive, spiritual.

I went to college with a reservation Navajo, great guy. Years ago I wrote some reservation poems that ended up in Pilgimage Magazine.
by IndianaDP
13 Oct 2018, 00:26
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: After Her Brother Dies
Replies: 5
Views: 9350

After Her Brother Dies

Revision- She puts on his plaid hunting jacket, walks in the fields where he harvested corn. Her steps, in the distance of furrows, trail grey to the river, a place of convergence compressing her thoughts with a weight that is deeper than holding her breath. She peals stiff clay from the bottoms of ...
by IndianaDP
11 Oct 2018, 23:11
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Unblemished (revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 14867

Re: Unblemished (revision)

Thanks Billy, I’m sure the images I cut will reappear in a new poem.
by IndianaDP
11 Oct 2018, 18:51
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Unblemished (revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 14867

Re: Unblemished (revision)

Trying to condense some.
by IndianaDP
11 Oct 2018, 18:46
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Replies: 7
Views: 11795

Re: Elizabeth Barrett Browning

In the end love wins, especially like-

I was an invalid whose friends
existed on paper.
by IndianaDP
11 Oct 2018, 18:43
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: was
Replies: 6
Views: 11157

Re: was

Nicely done, I like that she seems to have a positive outlook despite her circumstances.
by IndianaDP
11 Oct 2018, 01:42
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Unblemished (revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 14867

Re: Unblemished

Thanks Billy, I am making some changes to tighten things up, I’ll look at the final stanza.

Thanks Bob, always appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks Ken, lookin closer at when to end.

Hello Ronda, welcome to Writer’s Block. You may be right about the booze.
by IndianaDP
09 Oct 2018, 21:49
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Unblemished (revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 14867

Unblemished (revision)

Revision- She inherited an inferior mind, a flat pock marked face she dusts with cheap powder, an expressionless stare she smears with mascara. The scratches and scars on her forearms and legs are anxious and angry, the roll of her belly is white and unblemished. Wheeling a cart down the aisles of W...
by IndianaDP
09 Oct 2018, 21:41
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Bride of Frankenstein
Replies: 7
Views: 11511

Re: Bride of Frankenstein

A well told story. I especially like the development of the brides thinking. The beginning although written well to me seems unnecessary, it only describes the scene we are all familiar with from the movie. I would begin at stanza 7 and focus on the brides thoughts, let the reader imagine the scene ...
by IndianaDP
09 Oct 2018, 21:33
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: The Gurkha Officer [revised]
Replies: 10
Views: 16368

Re: The Gurkha Officer

Yes, it reads well, makes me ashamed I don’t know more about history. As an artist however I did get the Capa reference. I especially like Capa’s photo of a dead sparrow in the snow, not one of his war images, but just as meaningful.
by IndianaDP
09 Oct 2018, 21:23
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: A Gift Shop in Dubuque, Iowa
Replies: 5
Views: 10267

Re: A Gift Shop in Dubuque, Iowa

Nicely told story, great detail.
by IndianaDP
03 Oct 2018, 22:27
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming October IBPC 2018:
Replies: 14
Views: 28612

Re: Upcoming October IBPC 2018:

1/Dale Patterson 2/dalepatterson@comcast.com 3/the poem is mine 4/and is an unpublished work 5/and that I am not representing in the current IBPC Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965 Factory girls in coffee stained blouses with cigarette burns listen to transistor radios as they ride city buses into the p...
by IndianaDP
29 Sep 2018, 00:55
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming October IBPC 2018:
Replies: 14
Views: 28612

Re: Upcoming October IBPC 2018:

I will second,

Kens’ “Under the Stars”
Frank’s, “Evening of the Last Day.”
by IndianaDP
28 Sep 2018, 20:31
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming October IBPC 2018:
Replies: 14
Views: 28612

Re: Upcoming October IBPC 2018:

Just starting to look them over but for now,

Bob’s “Bobo the Chimp Types.”
by IndianaDP
25 Sep 2018, 19:13
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Bobo The Chimp Types - revised (2)
Replies: 9
Views: 15494

Re: Bobo The Chimp Types - revised (2)

Nice Bob, I like the added detail.
by IndianaDP
25 Sep 2018, 19:11
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965
Replies: 8
Views: 13674

Re: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

Thanks Bob, glad you enjoyed it.
by IndianaDP
19 Sep 2018, 21:40
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965
Replies: 8
Views: 13674

Re: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

Thanks for reading and commenting Ken, have you ever heard the song “Factory Girl” by the Stones? Here are the lyrics. Waiting for a girl who's got curlers in her hair Waiting for a girl she has no money anywhere We get buses everywhere Waiting for a factory girl Waiting for a girl and her knees are...
by IndianaDP
19 Sep 2018, 21:38
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965
Replies: 8
Views: 13674

Re: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

Thanks for reading Frank, I like the subtle inuendo of your ending, but believe I prefer the harshness of what I have.