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Ken & Bob,

I've been ill for a few days but have written another revision before I've just seen your suggestions so posted revision anyway.

Eira

Ken & Bob,

I've been ill for a few days but have written another revision before I've just seen your suggestions so posted revision anyway.

Eira

oh wow! I love this Meena! I agree with Bob to make this as concise as possible, leave only what's necessary. Denial is not new to me. We are [but] inseparable twins, delete 'but' Not an exaggeration, I vouchsafe. Could never find the reason [however hard I try.] remove in brackets - not needed thes...

I would try to expand on Mam... how the kitchen reminds you of her absence...which should add more emotion to the poem Good idea Bob - what do you think is best a complete stanza or woven into what's there. I'm a bit brain-dead at the moment :roll: but will certainly give this some thought later. E...

meenas17 wrote: ↑

24 Jan 2019, 21:32

Good imagination Eira!
The cutting board analogy is interesting, especially the peacock one.
As Bob suggests remove the pine pig.
Peacock one is fine. It does the job.

Thanks Meena - still working on this one

Eira

Oh yes! My favourite stanza at the end. Well its a thumbs up from me! Hope others agree.

Eira

This is much better. I like it. My one suggestion....the stanza about the pig feels like an appendage instead of being part of the natural flow of things. It doesn't bear the weight of a separate stanza well. Can you work it in differently....maybe something along these lines, but better? I might t...

Love the cutting board analogy. It may solve a problem to eliminate the 2 lines Bob suggested and the one about pneumonia. Show us don't tell us. Few things are as personal as cutting boards. I have my mother"s fr9m 40 years ago. You are on to something strong here. Thanks Ken, I have tried to foll...

There are some exquisite lines, such as waiting for the timer to ping. But some lines must go, especially these I draw back time's curtain to peer into her cluttered kitchen and the poem demands a strong ending... throw out the last 2 lines. This piece has very strong potential. Tighten it up and f...

This poem takes my breath away - it's beautiful! the title change has made it clearer. Love these lines

Weren't Mama and Papa always
in each other's arms,
like flowering trees
grown so close to each other
their limbs embraced?

Eira

Great revision, Bob. Removing those kisses has made a difference. Great poem.

Eira

Congratulations Ken, a worthy winner!
Eira

Revision 5 (revised middle stanza) Calon Lan, a Welsh hymn, lyrics by Daniel James in 1890’s, music by John Hughes Eternal Peacock you slump against my ageing kitchen tiles, cobalt plumes lacklustre and scarred, feet swollen from oversoaking. I await the timer's ping when your retirement begins. In ...

SivaRamanathan wrote: ↑

17 Jan 2019, 22:57

Some lines are too dramatic.

S

Thanks Siva. I do think that a snake eating his prey is dramatic but agree that my language is ott. This needs a lot of thought if I revise.

Eira

Bob is right, Meena - you are on a roll. I have seen such an improvement in you writing recently. Your descriptive details are a pleasure to read.


Eira

I like the new title, Bob, Like the conciseness. I also like the revision - these lines

my dear wife visiting a sick friend
in Ku-to-yen,

the mention of where her sick friend lives seems to add depth to this stanza, somehow.


Eira

I would take out the first stanza...it isn't necessary, and the language doesn't feel natural. Same awkardness is in 'I feel a scurry close" and other places. Don't sacrifice common speech for the mere sake of rhyme. "Disquiet"? "I sense a passing beast"...."I sense" isn't needed. Hone the language...

Survival I wait ensconced inside my sphagnum hide as unsuspecting creatures forage near. My escalating hunger won't subside while odours saturate the atmosphere. Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel a scurry close but I'm concealed among the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal, obtain a sce...

Hi Meena,

I've read this a few times now and I see stanza one as an introduction to the poem, but I think you could delete it and go straight in with stanza 2.

Just a thought
Eira

We have a lot of crows that come into our garden. They are very intelligent creatures. I've heard about them bringing gifts (small stones etc) to people who feed them, like at the beginning of your poem. Love the poem Ken, but I would question why you have 2 very long lines that stand out from the r...

BobBradshaw wrote: ↑

15 Jan 2019, 00:03

just one suggestion...add a comma at the end of the first line

Thanks Bob, I'll do that now.

Eira

FranktheFrank wrote: ↑

08 Jan 2019, 02:27

Sprectrum is the Welsh word
for spectrum?

It must be the Welsh in me Frank

I hadn't noticed I'd written it that way - don't think anyone else did either, except you.

Eira

The first 3 stanzas are choppy, and should be your focus in your next revision. However, I love the rest of your poem! Gorgeous writing from S4 on...I like the rhythm you have here, and the humor really shines. Thanks Bob. you have confirmed what I thought - the beginning is a bit 'flat'. So glad y...

BobBradshaw wrote: ↑

23 Dec 2018, 07:57

Looking forward to seeing it... everyone have a great xmas

A revision at last, Bob! Xmas just took over for a while. Best wishes for 2019.

Eira

I love the details in this, Bob and there are many lines to like I love the river grumbling ( but perhaps going about its business is a bit cliché? I don't know, I can't keep up with everything that's cliché these days) :roll: Water swirls around one boulder, moves on to the next one. Bats stream fr...