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Feel free, my friend. Clouds have been referred to as blankets forever. I don’t recall one being referred to as a “thin blanket” in a poem before, but it probably has been. So you won’t be stealing anything. No need to “cover” yourself!

This is good. Your best piece. I like it all. No suggestions. My fave line: The sky has been debunked.

Thank you for your kind words. There is no older version. I didn’t start a new thread. No one had commented on it previously. So I “tweaked” it to resurrect it.

Tweaked

Sounds good

A couple examples of excessive explanation:

but scattering isn’t quite enough on this bright
and blackened day.
…
I’m consumed by thoughts
that shock me:

We all sympathize with the woman’s plight. However, the poem is too explanatory. Make me feel the woman’s horrors through her eyes, through specific images. Think Wilfred Owen. Think of Solzhenitsyn’s “One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch”. For an example of too much explanation… Her constant anx...

I would love to read a chapbook of yours, Ieuan.

I like the subject. It’s a bit unusual, but there are many poems these days about violence, particularly about Gaza. I echo what Ieuan said in his first comment. The poem is wordy, and I was left with the same questions he had. I hope to find answers to those questions in the next revision. Good luc...

That’s gorgeous. You’ve got it now! Just flesh it out…. And you’ll have a gem!!!!

Make it a 5 foot Japanese woman…seriously.

That’s not true! The N comes across as a very appealing person, considerate even for the guy attacking him. That’s a big part of the poem’s appeal. I have always seen you as a sensitive and caring person. Where did you get such an idea? A hairy ape? Nonsense Or are those 4 lines meant to read as an ...

Good poem…. Not sure why the title is Rolling Stone….

I like your suggestion

Breaking the narrative into smaller chunks helps. I like the story a lot. He snapped like a dry twig is cliche. So is the jelly reference. Throw them out. You’re actually not too far from finishing a more polished revision. It just needs more boiling down. For example, most of the stanza about the s...

This revision works well! I love that last stanza. All of it.

Thank you….mucho gracias for your suggestions

Good draft. I like the story you draw. Now it's time to condense. I don't think you need to go through all the explanations of technique. Boil them down, keep the flow going as quickly as you can.... A good exercise may be to shorten the line lengths, to suggest the punch and quick actions. That wou...

Lovely close! I love the lines below.... A suggestion...and I'm glad that the workshop is talking about line endings...Move "that" and "but" at the end of the 2nd and 3rd lines to the start of their following lines....e.g., "that lashes..." like a maid secure in her duties but missing out on life, w...

Changed to present tense...thanks again, guys. Thx, Caleb, your remarks are way too generous...but appreciated.

Hmmm… I am going with your suggestion, Caleb.
Thanks for your help.

I'm trying a different approach with this poem...going with just the innocent side of things....

Changed per your guys' suggestions. Thx

Thanks, guys. You’re right. No compelling reason. That’s just the way I read it aloud. I just like the extra emphasis on pjs. But it’s good to know it doesn’t work. That’s why we workshop. I will change it.

That would be great….they would be welcomed