Search found 2688 matches
- 21 Dec 2023, 02:56
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Revisions
- Replies: 7
- Views: 4382
Re: Revisions
Feel free, my friend. Clouds have been referred to as blankets forever. I don’t recall one being referred to as a “thin blanket” in a poem before, but it probably has been. So you won’t be stealing anything. No need to “cover” yourself!
- 21 Dec 2023, 00:05
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The Sky (version 3!)
- Replies: 14
- Views: 1611
Re: The Sky
This is good. Your best piece. I like it all. No suggestions. My fave line: The sky has been debunked.
- 21 Dec 2023, 00:03
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Revisions
- Replies: 7
- Views: 4382
Re: Revisions
Thank you for your kind words. There is no older version. I didn’t start a new thread. No one had commented on it previously. So I “tweaked” it to resurrect it.
- 20 Dec 2023, 07:19
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Revisions
- Replies: 7
- Views: 4382
Re: Revisions
Tweaked
- 20 Dec 2023, 01:57
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Christmas Poem - removed for publishing
- Replies: 3
- Views: 1925
Re: Christmas Poem - removed for publishing
Sounds good
- 19 Dec 2023, 23:19
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Death of an Armed Guard (version 2)
- Replies: 20
- Views: 4553
Re: Death of an Armed Guard
A couple examples of excessive explanation:
but scattering isn’t quite enough on this bright
and blackened day.
…
I’m consumed by thoughts
that shock me:
but scattering isn’t quite enough on this bright
and blackened day.
…
I’m consumed by thoughts
that shock me:
- 19 Dec 2023, 23:10
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Trophy of War Christmas (2023)
- Replies: 4
- Views: 1878
Re: Trophy of War Christmas (2023)
We all sympathize with the woman’s plight. However, the poem is too explanatory. Make me feel the woman’s horrors through her eyes, through specific images. Think Wilfred Owen. Think of Solzhenitsyn’s “One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch”. For an example of too much explanation… Her constant anx...
- 19 Dec 2023, 23:00
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Christmas Poem - removed for publishing
- Replies: 3
- Views: 1925
Re: Christmas Poem - removed for publishing
I would love to read a chapbook of yours, Ieuan.
- 19 Dec 2023, 22:53
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Death of an Armed Guard (version 2)
- Replies: 20
- Views: 4553
Re: Death of an Armed Guard
I like the subject. It’s a bit unusual, but there are many poems these days about violence, particularly about Gaza. I echo what Ieuan said in his first comment. The poem is wordy, and I was left with the same questions he had. I hope to find answers to those questions in the next revision. Good luc...
- 19 Dec 2023, 03:01
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Big Guy
- Replies: 22
- Views: 12783
Re: Big Guy
That’s gorgeous. You’ve got it now! Just flesh it out…. And you’ll have a gem!!!!
- 19 Dec 2023, 00:19
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Big Guy
- Replies: 22
- Views: 12783
Re: Big Guy
Make it a 5 foot Japanese woman…seriously.
- 17 Dec 2023, 22:36
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Big Guy
- Replies: 22
- Views: 12783
Re: Big Guy
That’s not true! The N comes across as a very appealing person, considerate even for the guy attacking him. That’s a big part of the poem’s appeal. I have always seen you as a sensitive and caring person. Where did you get such an idea? A hairy ape? Nonsense Or are those 4 lines meant to read as an ...
- 17 Dec 2023, 22:22
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Rolling Stone
- Replies: 3
- Views: 2567
Re: Rolling Stone
Good poem…. Not sure why the title is Rolling Stone….
- 17 Dec 2023, 22:21
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The Common House Sparrow
- Replies: 6
- Views: 4528
Re: The Common House Sparrow
I like your suggestion
- 17 Dec 2023, 22:17
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Big Guy
- Replies: 22
- Views: 12783
Re: Big Guy
Breaking the narrative into smaller chunks helps. I like the story a lot. He snapped like a dry twig is cliche. So is the jelly reference. Throw them out. You’re actually not too far from finishing a more polished revision. It just needs more boiling down. For example, most of the stanza about the s...
- 17 Dec 2023, 09:04
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The Rain (small changes)
- Replies: 6
- Views: 3194
Re: The Rain (small changes)
This revision works well! I love that last stanza. All of it.
- 17 Dec 2023, 08:41
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The Rain (small changes)
- Replies: 6
- Views: 3194
Re: The Rain (small changes)
Thank you….mucho gracias for your suggestions
- 17 Dec 2023, 04:29
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Big Guy
- Replies: 22
- Views: 12783
Re: Big Guy
Good draft. I like the story you draw. Now it's time to condense. I don't think you need to go through all the explanations of technique. Boil them down, keep the flow going as quickly as you can.... A good exercise may be to shorten the line lengths, to suggest the punch and quick actions. That wou...
- 17 Dec 2023, 04:19
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The Rain (small changes)
- Replies: 6
- Views: 3194
Re: The Rain
Lovely close! I love the lines below.... A suggestion...and I'm glad that the workshop is talking about line endings...Move "that" and "but" at the end of the 2nd and 3rd lines to the start of their following lines....e.g., "that lashes..." like a maid secure in her duties but missing out on life, w...
- 17 Dec 2023, 04:14
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Red Tulip
- Replies: 15
- Views: 12257
Re: Red Tulip
Changed to present tense...thanks again, guys. Thx, Caleb, your remarks are way too generous...but appreciated.
- 17 Dec 2023, 02:43
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Red Tulip
- Replies: 15
- Views: 12257
Re: Red Tulip
Hmmm… I am going with your suggestion, Caleb.
Thanks for your help.
Thanks for your help.
- 17 Dec 2023, 00:01
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Red Tulip
- Replies: 15
- Views: 12257
Re: Red Tulip
I'm trying a different approach with this poem...going with just the innocent side of things....
- 16 Dec 2023, 23:51
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Red Tulip
- Replies: 15
- Views: 12257
Re: Red Tulip
Changed per your guys' suggestions. Thx
- 16 Dec 2023, 21:40
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Red Tulip
- Replies: 15
- Views: 12257
Re: Red Tulip
Thanks, guys. You’re right. No compelling reason. That’s just the way I read it aloud. I just like the extra emphasis on pjs. But it’s good to know it doesn’t work. That’s why we workshop. I will change it.
- 16 Dec 2023, 08:20
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: All Things Are Crooked (version 2, with small cuts)
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5788
Re: All Things Are Crooked (version 2, with small cuts)
That would be great….they would be welcomed