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Atsushi Takenouchi unwinds slowly like a robot keyed up let loose on a spring. I tried counting his ribs outside his ribcage. One could have drawn a skeletal diagram. I could hear the blood course up and down his spine along with the contraction of muscles in his chest— like a kavadi carrier poking ...

It is not a new poem.

Frank
I have been reading this and I need to read this more to be able to comment.


Siva

"The bull wasn't doing anyone any harm and now we've tracked him to where he came to see his dead friend and now were going to kill him."-(E)ernest (H)hemingway when I started reading more of the garden of (E)eden [the next day,]I thought all sadness was driven deep inside of my lungs; [and] all tha...

'no place to sleep, no place to call our own'. Our dead ancestors, once lay buried on the banks of the Cauvery, stretched out, sandwiched between holy ash Bilva leaves and rock salt; we pushed in mud and powdered brick thrice into the pit our backs turned, not looking. Why wait a year to lay out the...

Michael
I saw your message only now,and I am travelling.Will reach Chennai tomorrow morning.Will make the necessary changes.But I feel quite comfortable with this,as it is.Thank you both for spending so much time on one single poem and sharing your expertise.
Siva

Frank
I posted the poem in the Contest thread at 5pm yesterday.I forgot to mention it in this thread.Think I should learn perseverance from you.I will use your edition when I bring out my book.Many thanks.

Our ancestors, once lay on the banks of the Cauvery. Stretched out, sandwiched between holy ash. Bilva leaves and rock salt, mud and powdered brick pushed into the pit thrice, back turned, not looking. Why wait a year to build the cemetery? One year is one day for the departed, it is all that the su...

Thank you Frank. And Michael, for the confidence you have in me. Frank,I am learning.Though I have been writing for more than forty years I have not come out with a book of poems only because I do not want to self publish unedited work.I will not be able to spot anything because I have been reading ...

I second Michael's poem 'Independence' for the August IBPC.

Siva

The poem ,'Symptomatic ' written by me ,is an unpublished poem.I am not representing any other board. my e-mail id is sivakamivelliangiri@gmail.com Symptomatic Not born with it. Eclipse swallows pushing out great grandmothers and babies, so that death and life daisy chain like phosphorescent super n...

I will post after 5pm.

Still, we mst write the way we write. No? I would like to retain the title.
My entire collection s about the progress of madness and the resolution thereof.

Frank
I understand why you are confused.The poem is about 'Mother'.I have used grandmother once, great grandmother once.I will think up a title before tomorrow morning.I will be travelling and where I go there will be no internet connection,But I will somehow manage to post just the title.

Frank Dyer
You seem to be tuned to Indian sensibilities.Thank you for your time and patience.I would have saved both of us a lot of 'messages' if only I had listened to you,when you edited after your first reading.

Frank
I have changed mongoose to mongooses.I am not able to spot the mistakes because I wrote it in a child's voice.So the hiccups
of language will be there.Pen has also disappeared.I have asked my daughter who is in LSE to have a look.She is an 'All India Prize' winning poet.

Footnote Eclipse-the great Solar Eclipse of 1955 Kuttichatan--an evil spirit(can be googled) Dhamayanthi-A princess married to Nala Nala--He was a deva,so his feet could not touch the ground Yakshies--spirits of the forest Ravi Varma's art(can be googled)--Ravi Varma's paintings in the Trivandrum Ar...

Frank Thank you for your detailed reading.The poem has been with me for more than thirty years.Unpublished,because it is too personal. Mongooses, right. We learnt that the plural of mongoose is mongoose not mongooses. I will keep cups of bras. I once saw children use a bra as a hammock for their dol...

Octo I have taken the liberty of cut and paste because you let it aside.Now I think the poem looks neater.Forgive me if I have trespassed. I thought those pair of eyes were yours how they glared at me earlier in the day burning intensity,you became this wild predator that now stalked the trees late ...

Octo
If only you would rewrite it --perhaps with the second stanza coming first.

Is there a time gap between all three stanzas?What does the second stanza seek to do ?The word 'honey' spoils it for me.Anyway honey does not drip invitingly from the comb.
The third stanza makes sense.It can be condensed into a minimalistic poem with the title.'the passenger seat'.

Is there a time gap between all three stanzas?What does the second stanza seek to do ?The word 'honey' spoils it for me.Anyway honey does not drip invitingly from the comb.
The third stanza makes sense.It can be condensed into a minimalistic poem with the title.'the passenger seat'.

: counting days of churning buttermilk, skimming butter, melting ghee, knowing full well the ultimate and penultimate day of being seated in a sitting posture-this Saivite, fit for burial, being lowered into a cave of mud earth, after the last ritualistic bath with ghee and milk, grandpa's daughter-...

Symptomatic Not born with it. Eclipse swallows pushing out great grandmothers and babies, so that death and life daisy chain like phosphorescent super naturals and traffic whiz a whiz around her birth bed ; grandmother's toes draw circles in the air to shoo away haloed mongooses. Tic-toc. The tongu...

Michael and Frank I got the patriotic because of the title ,but just thought GPS was too mundane to be written in par with Divine Providence.I am learning a lot in this forum ,especially the grammar coaching of Micheal and the world politics in the American scenario,of Frank.Thanks I did not post be...