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Kenneth2816 wrote: ↑

13 Feb 2019, 18:46

Beautiful poem Bob

I take that as a compliment, Ken, Bob.

Eira

Edited again

Love this, Bob

When I wake in the morning it's too quiet. My wife
is lying next to me, asleep.
The radio is silent

I'm not a morning person myself and this scenario is much like our house.

Eira

Very nicely written, Billy. I like tis very much.

Eira

BobBradshaw wrote: ↑

11 Feb 2019, 04:53

Thx so much, guys... glad you enjoyed it
I think I will submit it somewhere

I'm sure it will do well, Bob

Eira

Brilliant poem, Ken. You have a great imagination.

'he fell from the heavens like lightning'.

I think we'll have to watch out next time there's a storm.

Eira

meenas17 wrote: ↑

11 Feb 2019, 18:00

Get a feel of September.
The first line is great.

September stuns with lime and copper.

The longing for the solar light and the the search for the return of the swallow
are expressed beautifully.

Nice.

Thanks Meena - glad you enjoyed this one.

Eira

I may be wrong about the crystal paradise now that I read it again in context... not my favorite line but maybe it works. I really like this poem, the fallen foliage muddied, the faux fur... Glad you like it, Bob. I am thinking on that line, but as yet have not found what I'm looking for. Have made...

Really like the details and sounds, the alliteration etc. one nitpick: crystal paradise sounds too precious, too close to postcard description. Love that closing: for the scarlet flash of swallow’s return. Thanks Bob, I did think someone might comment on 'crystal paradise' line. I'm thinking on it....

Between Seasons (edited St 4 ) September weaves with lime and copper; a robin’s wistful trill coaxes me outside where a north westerly blast chills to the core. Stomping in the rain, fallen leaves are muddied to mulch. I ache for dog days’ heat with perpetual light. Yuletide brings distractions, gif...

I always love reading your poems Meena - they always have good descriptions of your way of life. I think St 1 could be trimmed back further as curses and swears mean the same. Perhaps something like - Born of an illicit relation the master and maid, Ravi, fumes and curses with theatrical in behaviou...

Wonderful poem, Ken, terrific last stanza.

I agree you could lose 'original'

Eira

Hi Frank

Is sharp as flint cliché? I lose touch with what is cliché these days, but that line is a keeper as it is.

I agree with much of what other have said and I share a little confusion in some parts.

I love the last stanza.

This poem just needs a little work, Frank

Eira

I like version 4 better. This line needs a segue... it piles up without one: Rashers of ham, sharpened with her apple chutney and salty butter on bloomer slices. Thanks Bob I have since written that line slightly differently - but I'm still thinking on it. It might be best to leave it rest for a bi...

FranktheFrank wrote: ↑

10 Feb 2019, 13:54

Suggestion Eira:

Place 'Calon Lan' as an epigraph.

with the credit to the song writer and reference the hymn.

Good idea, Frank. I'll look up the details. Should it go before or after the poem?

Eira

Yes! You have it....your hard work has paid off....there is emotion suffusing the poem....a good poem makes my day...so thank you Well, thank you, Bob for sticking with me through this. I felt happy with this too, but didn't feel to sure of st 2&3 as I felt they could be combined and condensed in s...

Yes, thanks for the trip down memory lane, Bob. I loved the Beatles too and had forgotten some of their history eg Tittenhurst. I love a far cry from the small rooms where John and Paul listened to Elvis and wrote their early songs--as John says "eyeball-to-eyeball". but the ending stanza is my favo...

Kenneth2816 wrote: ↑

03 Feb 2019, 18:22

You're a,master at revision

Thanks Ken. I like revising almost as much as writing.

Eira

meenas17 wrote: ↑

24 Jan 2019, 21:32

Good imagination Eira!
The cutting board analogy is interesting, especially the peacock one.
As Bob suggests remove the pine pig.
Peacock one is fine. It does the job.

Thanks Meena - I have removed the pine pig now!

Eira

The list in s2 is interesting, Suggestion: For tea, a tomato lettuce salad thinly sliced, topped with a sprinkling of Dad's spring onions complete with a sliced bloomer fresh from the bakery, ham rashers and perfected with the tang of Mam's mango chutney, I think what you said here is true - stanza...

BobBradshaw wrote: ↑

03 Feb 2019, 03:20

Like very much the last 2 stanzas, but S2 sounds awkward... needs a change of tense or a segue...something... focus on S2

I felt that too with st 2 - I think it's becasuse there was no lead -in from stanza 1. Hoping this revision is better.

Eira

Revision 3 - hope I'm getting near with this revision.

Eira

I second I Meena's poem "Pongal" and Frank's "Het Gele Huis"
I love both of Bob's poems, but I feel 'Mozart’s Sister, Heartbroken' has the edge - so I second that.

Eira

This is good but can be improved on. I like Ken’s comments. However, I would not only increase the dishes but show interaction between Mam and the narrator. Make it more personal but keep dishing out the foods. There’s something about food poems that is innately interesting... they automatically gr...

Eira, last stanza much improves the poem I vote for a better word than kaliedoscope. In the section where you mention food, I would add a few more dishes. Perhaps few less modifiers. Sliced bread with Welsh butter is sufficient. Saying more about dining tells us more about Mam. If you recall Frank'...