New York Pitch Conference Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, and Poetry Forums

BobBradshaw wrote: ↑

02 Oct 2018, 08:27

Who can't feel touched by such a scene? I like the verbs used in this. Nicely done

Suggested trim: remove these lines:
impatient to begin.

Initially,

Thanks Bob, I will remove those words.

Eira

I've given this a makeover - to make some parts clearer and make it less of a 'report' Revision 2 Running on the Spectrum Jason Bounces like a klipspringer, hooting at Dad until the starter twirls his chequered flag. Racers zoom off, chased by fun-runners, fancy dressers. Jason joins the challenged,...

Hi Frank,

It was the welsh cakes that drew me here. I could just eat a couple now!

I enjoyed this one - the way one stanza flows to the next, An unexpected ending.

Eira

Really enjoyed reading this one Ken. It has a great conversational tone - easy to follow. A fascinating poem.
Eira

Hi Meena, What a fascinating poem. I wish you could teach me how to tie flowers. This needs a little tightening up, eg st1 My mother taught me when I was six years old. She started with leaves not flowers initially. initially and started mean the same so perhaps start something like My mother taught...

Yes, Frank, I also like the conversational, reflective tone in this one, especially the second stanza which has some lovely descriptions. The first stanza is more abstract and I think could be trimmed back in parts to avoid repetition. I don’t know why it has worked out this way and I don’t know if ...

Hi Kenneth, Well this 'spring' poem is certainly different - original. I like it! 'one trick knee' -- love it! and 'laces undone because of the edema'. You make this person so real, Kenneth. There is a fire station near where I live and I am left wondering how many light poles away it is. I must cou...

Thanks everyone - good luck Frank and Bernie

Eira

Eira Needham presentideaseira@hotmail.com This is my original, unpublished work I am not representing any other site this month in IBPC Anthem at my Father’s Funeral Mae hen wlad fy nhadau yn annwyl i mi, Gwlad beirdd a chantorion, enwogion o fri; Ei gwrol ryfelwyr, gwladgarwyr tra mâd, Tros ryddid ...

As Kenneth has seconded the nomination I presume I am ok for IBPC

Kenneth2816 wrote:I second Eiras poem as she has written it

Thank you Kenneth

Any thoughts on the epitaph in Welsh. As no one else has commented I will include it.

Eira

FranktheFrank wrote:Just suggestions Eira
It is you who needs to be satisfied.
I am happy when you are happy.

I'm satisfied, Frank.
Eira

Epitaphs don't have to be in English. Let them look it up. Syllable count doesn't make this iambic so you could do what you like with it even sacrifice the rhyme scheme which isn't regular anyway. Timbre is such an old fashioned word. You could drop the 'me' in the 2nd line and this would improve t...

I nominate Eira's Poem: Note: This poem was posted in January and workshopped on 4th February 2018 If Eira accepts the nomination I would ask if this would serve as an epitaph: Anthem at my Father's Funeral Mae hen wlad fy nhadau yn annwyl i mi, Gwlad beirdd a chantorion, enwogion o fri; Ei gwrol r...

I feel this fine poem is ready to go Eira, find a good place for it. I have read it several times and the description of a greyhound is amazing, I actually feel muscle-bound is perfect, these are very strong dogs, they have to be. Well done. Thanks Frank. I think its time to shake off my winter apa...

Eira - Nicely detailed study - with an obvious love for her in the delivery. I encountered only one bump: on muscle-bound flanks. For me "muscle-bound" makes it somehow too human - picturing barbells and gym shorts - Maybe something like: 'on her well-muscled flanks' Enjoyed this - I once had a Nea...

BobBradshaw wrote:Yes, I do. Very nice. The ending reads more smoothly now...Bob

Thanks Bob.

Eira

Eira I want to nominate this poem for this month's IBPC I just don't like the word timbre, it's a perfectly good word, but is there another you could choose, maybe a Welsh word? Maybe the others can help on this, or maybe I'm wrong. Whatever you choose I will still nominate with your permission. Hi...

capricorn - Your poem is an anthem in itself: Through passing time its timbre wrings emotions still - this ancestry my forefathers bequeathed to me. Instructional in its humility and reverence for homeland missing from the political hysteria rampant on this side of the waters. - RC Thank you Richar...

Hi Bob, Frank's right - I do love this. The relationship between owner and dog is so special as I well know Ode to Dogs You might guess, the title drew me straight in here I read Keats. Roy naps. There's never a question of whether we're happy: if only these moments would last. A goose somewhere cri...

Thanks Bob - I have made a few changes - hopefully for the better.
Eira

Thank you for your suggestions Michael, I have used them in my revision. Also I've rearranged stanzas -hope this has improved it.

Eira

FranktheFrank wrote:A rescue dog
how sweet.

She is very sweet, Frank. To think she would have been pts if she hadn't have been rescued

Eira

Thank you for the links Bernie - all fine dogs.

They make excellent pets, docile and affectionate. Many are unnecessarily destroyed and unaccounted for.

Eira

Acceptance (revision) Impounded, Maggie waits. Too old to race at five, undeserving of her sentence. The pack surrounds us, noses poke, nostrils vetting pheromones. They separate her, contain the rest behind a gate; stress-scratched. Tiny scars from food fights, fleck her face, tattoos hide inside e...