Air India

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Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Air India

#1 Post by Bernie01 » 24 Jul 2017, 07:50

She returns to a husband
in posh Kali-ben.

The vicissitudes of the city
heavy like lead paint thrown
on Rabindra Setu Bridge.

The pillowcase and towel
hold a swirl of pectin scent,
the cup branded by a burnt
maroon mouth.

Rain pours with both hands.
Streets fold into white ash.
Lights turn-on soft as women
talking in a kitchen.

I drift
like a man without work.
Life pissed into a corner.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Air India

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 24 Jul 2017, 13:25

A prolific time for you these past two months,
glad you got the bug to write again.
So good to see you well and happy,
writing is your game.

L3 vicissitudes (a change of circumstances or fortune typically one that is unpleasant or unwelcome)

As you are using a name I feel bridge should be in capitals, of course normally lower case, but as a name then capitalise.

Rain pours across the city doesn't work for me, something typically Bernie is needed here :)
remember your overflowing rain drain in one England visit pom. Bring that poem to bear.

Pillowcase is one word in British English, not sure about the rebel American spelling.

She returns to a husband in posh (port out starboard home, you know this of course, all to do with the sun on P & O Liners to and fro India), I would like to know what sort of husband, drunk or kind, terrible or wonderful, fat or thin, did she miss his manhood his smell, his rough hands, his poetry. Just husband makes it so plain. Up to you, you pom.

We critics always demand more then complain if the poem is verbose.

I likie:
Rabindra Setu Bridge
a cup branded by a burned maroon mouth
a swirl of pectin scent
posh Kali-ben

all good, all evocative.

regards

the Welshman

SivaVelliangiri
Posts: 140
Joined: 09 Jul 2017, 06:34

Re: Air India

#3 Post by SivaVelliangiri » 24 Jul 2017, 20:06

B
I agree with what Frank says.

The rain stanza can be more than the afternoon rain.Otherwise enjoyed.She comes back to a husband is self explanatory.

S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Air India

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Jul 2017, 20:56

I like these two lines especially:

heavy like lead paint thrown
on Rabindra Setu bridge.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Air India

#5 Post by Bernie01 » 25 Jul 2017, 02:11

Bob---

me too.


Siva---

let me think about that husband...what line could i use to individualize him? I don't want him to share the spotlight with the first person narrator, know what i mean? well, will think slowly about that.


frank---

wow, you got me thinking wild thoughts 'bout this pom. my, my.

agree with your comments, now, what to do about it...LOL.

(to be cont.)

bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Air India

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 Jul 2017, 21:50

Such a strong poem....I love these lines:

Lights turn-on soft as women
talking in a kitchen.

The ending is such a dramatic change in tone. Nothing prepares me for it. It's a knockout punch.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Air India

#7 Post by Bernie01 » 26 Jul 2017, 03:19

BOB---

i hope you know i wouldn't just shock a reader when the poem has nothing else to offer, so i especially treasure your comment. i follow this narrator closely, saying goodbye to a lover who is returning to a husband, a narrator who sees his city in visceral yet sensitive terms, and then in a moment of strained insight he offers a summation, a judgement of his own life.

thanks for taking this disturbing walk in the dark city.



bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Air India

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 26 Jul 2017, 09:42

My pleasure....

WriterAma
Posts: 1
Joined: 22 Jul 2017, 18:21
Location: London

Re: Air India

#9 Post by WriterAma » 26 Jul 2017, 10:48

Through your lens the sequoia swallowed me
like a dryad. The camera flashed & forgot.
I, on the other hand, must practice my absent-
mindedness, memory being awkward as a touch
that goes unloved. Lately your eyes have shut
down to a shade more durable than skin’s. I know you
love distance, how it smooths. You choose an aerial view,
the city angled to abstraction, while I go for the close
exposures: poorly-mounted countenances along Broadway,
the pigweed cracking each hardscrabble backlot.
It’s a matter of perspective: yours is to love me
from a block away & mine is to praise the grain-
iness that weaves expressively: your face.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Air India

#10 Post by Billy » 27 Jul 2017, 01:52

Lovely accents and tones that say so much. Good poem. Nothing to change. Maybe you'll add more? I see you've turned to shorter poems.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Air India

#11 Post by Bernie01 » 27 Jul 2017, 05:24

WRITER AMA---

thanks for your comment.

especially,


I, on the other hand, must practice my absent-
mindedness, memory being awkward as a touch
that goes unloved.


nice close that stays in character---that is photography.

very nice. i buy the idea, let the poem stay in character, the references in related range---dropping the cover story (usually a surprise ending) only for a strong story reason supported by tone if not actual fact...


welcome.


Billy---

i was wondering about that too....shorter poms, not some deep mental circuit....hey, there is a new line...LOL.

several poets in this forum take real chances...certainly you're one of them. pushing the context in search of ever more complex, ever more subtle meanings. so i especially appreciate your comment.




BOB:

looking forward to your next poem.




bernie

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