Do Not Keep The Gift Here

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meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Do Not Keep The Gift Here

#1 Post by meenas17 » 09 Jan 2018, 19:37

Revision

shouts Meera's mother- in -law.
It is Deepavalli.

She screams. Annoyed, Meera's brother
walks with the presents.

Meera is in tears. What more can a young
girl of twenty plus do?

"Not the first time," she sobs,
Meera is inconsolable.

Picks up her bags,
leaves the place with her boys.

Tells them, "I do not wish
to participate in any festival
in this household."

The four-year-old replies,
"Mom, we will celebrate Deepavalli
at home. No more at grandmothers."

The younger one nods his head,
Meera fondles him. The child
wipes her tears. Gently, kisses her.



Original

shouts Meera's mother- in -law.
It is Deepavalli.

She screams.  Annoyed, Meera's brother
walks with the presents. 

Meera is in tears. What more can a young 
girl of twenty plus do?

"Not the first time," she sobs,
Intrigued, resolves.

Picks up her bags, 
leaves the place in a huff.

Tells her sons, "I  do not wish 
to participate  in any festival
in this household."

The four-year-old replies,
"Mom, we will celebrate Deepavalli
at home.  No more at grandmothers."

The younger one nods his head,
Meera fondles him.  The child
wipes her tears. Gently, kisses her.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1263
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Do Not Keep The Gift Here

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 10 Jan 2018, 00:38

Very good Meena
a family upset, it happens.
the children bring love.

Mother-in-law. Note the spacing.

S4 'intigued' doesn't quite fit the sentence here, I doubt if she finds intrigue, we might be intrigued.
arouse the curiosity or interest of; fascinate.
"I was intrigued by your question"
synonyms: interest, be of interest to, fascinate, be a source of fascination to, arouse someone's curiosity, engage someone's attention, attract, draw, lure, tempt, tantalize; More
2.
make secret plans to do something illicit or detrimental to someone.
"Henry and Louis intrigued with the local nobles"
synonyms: plot, hatch a plot, conspire, take part in a conspiracy, make secret plans, lay plans, scheme, manoeuvre, connive, collude, work hand in glove; rarecomplot, cabal, machinate
You have to tell us what she resolves to do, on its own it is incomplete, it is a verb, so she resolves what?
we can guess it, but better to finish the sentence.

She resolves never to visit her mother-in-law again.

'Leaves the place in a huff is a cliche,' something original please.

The last s is excellent and completes the poem well.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 889
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Do Not Keep The Gift Here

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 10 Jan 2018, 02:03

This is nice. Frank’s comments are valid. I like how you avoid any unnecessary verbiage. Enjoyed

capricorn
Posts: 112
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Do Not Keep The Gift Here

#4 Post by capricorn » 11 Jan 2018, 01:52

Very good Meena. I love this one and it is very concise. Frank has made some good points.

I found the children's reactions at the end, most touching.

Eira

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Do Not Keep The Gift Here

#5 Post by meenas17 » 11 Jan 2018, 18:33

Frank, I have to redo the poem.
Thanks for the valid suggestions.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Do Not Keep The Gift Here

#6 Post by meenas17 » 11 Jan 2018, 18:34

Bob, Your appreciation matters.
Thanks.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Do Not Keep The Gift Here

#7 Post by meenas17 » 11 Jan 2018, 18:35

Eira, You are so kind.
Thanks.

Meena
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Do Not Keep The Gift Here

#8 Post by meenas17 » 12 Jan 2018, 18:13

Posted the revision with minor edits.

Meena.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1263
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Don't Leave Your Gifts Here

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 13 Jan 2018, 01:35

shouts her mother-in-law.
It is Diwali, the festival of light
over darkness, good over evil,
and hope over despair.

Annoyed, Meera's brother
walks away with the presents.
Meera is in tears. What can a young
mother do against the power of a daadii.

It's not the first time, she sobs,
and picks up her luggage to leave
with her two darling boys.
"I do not wish to celebrate light
over darkness in this house ever again."

"Mom, we will celebrate at home."
The younger son nods. Meera draws
the child close. He wipes
her tears, and gently kisses her.
*****

Lovely Poem
some suggestions above,
title needed attention too.
look up the general rules for titles.

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Do Not Keep The Gift Here

#10 Post by Bernie01 » 13 Jan 2018, 22:04

M---

I enjoyed the swift, clean action. the poem crackles with excitement and emotion. very mature writing characteristics.

success.

the foundation for most writing projects, poetry or prose.

congrats.


bernie

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Do Not Keep The Gift Here

#11 Post by meenas17 » 16 Jan 2018, 14:20

Frank,
Wish I coud write like you.
The poem reads great.

Thanks.
meenas17

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