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 Post subject: Turning Back
PostPosted: 07 Mar 2018, 18:12 
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Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27
Posts: 435
Original

Decimals and fractions
crowd my mind.

Formulas and equations
come in rows.

Punctuations and propositions
crisscross with a drag.

Spellings and grammar
keep me at bay.

Am restless all the more
never at peace.

It is the school days,
I relive.

I go behind in decades
without any hesitation.

Love to stay  for a while
as the years so far,
and those yet to come
make me tired.


Revision

Decimals and fractions
crowd my mind.

Formulas and equations
come in rows.

Punctuations and prepositions
crisscross with a drag.

Spellings and grammar
keep me at bay.

Am restless all the more
never at peace.

It is the school days,
I relive.

It is a retrospection
without any hesitation.

Life prolongs.Tired, I carry on.
Future seems bleak.

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meenas17


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 Post subject: Re: Turning Back
PostPosted: 07 Mar 2018, 22:53 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 743
M---

a melancholy tone, i think of aging---and ask what use all our learning.

excellent poem.


bernie


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 Post subject: Re: Turning Back
PostPosted: 07 Mar 2018, 23:19 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 693
Very nice... but change line to “I go back decades”...

“as the years so far” is awkward... so work on that line...a small bit of wok and you’ll haves fine poem... already enjoyable


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 Post subject: Re: Turning Back
PostPosted: 08 Mar 2018, 12:58 
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Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27
Posts: 435
Thanks, Bernie.
I want to go back in years, play like a school girl.
An impossibility!.
I carry on.

Meena.

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meenas17


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 Post subject: Re: Turning Back
PostPosted: 08 Mar 2018, 12:59 
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Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27
Posts: 435
Bob, I will modify the two lines shortly.
Thanks.

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 Post subject: Re: Turning Back
PostPosted: 09 Mar 2018, 03:16 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1108
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Meena, full marks for spelling, punctuation and grammar.
I like the layout, very good, regular.

L5 You mean prepositions?

The poem is about older people
their thoughts revealing and revelling
in memories of an earlier life
an almost sacred time.

Well done.

p.s. Maybe: love to dwell

You need to split the last strophe
to make it regular.


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 Post subject: Re: Turning Back
PostPosted: 09 Mar 2018, 16:06 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 562
Nice sentiment Meanas.


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 Post subject: Re: Turning Back
PostPosted: 11 Mar 2018, 20:46 
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Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27
Posts: 435
Thanks, Frank.
Your appreciation helps.
I will revise the poem soon.

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meenas17


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 Post subject: Re: Turning Back
PostPosted: 11 Mar 2018, 20:46 
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Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27
Posts: 435
Thanks, Kenneth.

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meenas17


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 Post subject: Re: Turning Back
PostPosted: 14 Mar 2018, 06:50 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 693
Hi Meena, the last stanza isn’t guise there yet... how about something more straight forward, maybe:

I linger as long as I can,
the future already tiring

or
I linger as long as I can,
the future already
discouraging


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 Post subject: Re: Turning Back
PostPosted: 14 Mar 2018, 18:08 
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Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27
Posts: 435
Bob,
Yes, I was not sure as how to modify the stanza.
I am deliberating. You have shown the way to alter the lines.
I will redo and submit.
Thanks.
Meena.

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meenas17


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 Post subject: Re: Turning Back
PostPosted: 18 Mar 2018, 20:33 
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Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27
Posts: 435
Revised the poem.
Modified the last stanza.

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