Turning Back

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meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Turning Back

#1 Post by meenas17 » 07 Mar 2018, 18:12

Original

Decimals and fractions
crowd my mind.

Formulas and equations
come in rows.

Punctuations and propositions
crisscross with a drag.

Spellings and grammar
keep me at bay.

Am restless all the more
never at peace.

It is the school days,
I relive.

I go behind in decades
without any hesitation.

Love to stay  for a while
as the years so far,
and those yet to come
make me tired.


Revision

Decimals and fractions
crowd my mind.

Formulas and equations
come in rows.

Punctuations and prepositions
crisscross with a drag.

Spellings and grammar
keep me at bay.

Am restless all the more
never at peace.

It is the school days,
I relive.

It is a retrospection
without any hesitation.

Life prolongs.Tired, I carry on.
Future seems bleak.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Turning Back

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 07 Mar 2018, 22:53

M---

a melancholy tone, i think of aging---and ask what use all our learning.

excellent poem.


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 843
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Turning Back

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 07 Mar 2018, 23:19

Very nice... but change line to “I go back decades”...

“as the years so far” is awkward... so work on that line...a small bit of wok and you’ll haves fine poem... already enjoyable

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Turning Back

#4 Post by meenas17 » 08 Mar 2018, 12:58

Thanks, Bernie.
I want to go back in years, play like a school girl.
An impossibility!.
I carry on.

Meena.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Turning Back

#5 Post by meenas17 » 08 Mar 2018, 12:59

Bob, I will modify the two lines shortly.
Thanks.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1249
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Turning Back

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 09 Mar 2018, 03:16

Meena, full marks for spelling, punctuation and grammar.
I like the layout, very good, regular.

L5 You mean prepositions?

The poem is about older people
their thoughts revealing and revelling
in memories of an earlier life
an almost sacred time.

Well done.

p.s. Maybe: love to dwell

You need to split the last strophe
to make it regular.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 686
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Turning Back

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 09 Mar 2018, 16:06

Nice sentiment Meanas.

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Turning Back

#8 Post by meenas17 » 11 Mar 2018, 20:46

Thanks, Frank.
Your appreciation helps.
I will revise the poem soon.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Turning Back

#9 Post by meenas17 » 11 Mar 2018, 20:46

Thanks, Kenneth.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 843
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Turning Back

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Mar 2018, 06:50

Hi Meena, the last stanza isn’t guise there yet... how about something more straight forward, maybe:

I linger as long as I can,
the future already tiring

or
I linger as long as I can,
the future already
discouraging

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Turning Back

#11 Post by meenas17 » 14 Mar 2018, 18:08

Bob,
Yes, I was not sure as how to modify the stanza.
I am deliberating. You have shown the way to alter the lines.
I will redo and submit.
Thanks.
Meena.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Turning Back

#12 Post by meenas17 » 18 Mar 2018, 20:33

Revised the poem.
Modified the last stanza.
meenas17

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