Kalaupapa revised

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Kalaupapa revised

#1 Post by Billy » 15 Feb 2019, 05:51

Kalaupapa revision 2
in memory of Father Damian

I walk the overgrown road
to the far side of the peninsula,
bleak, dead as if in a diorama.
Silence ripe with sensations.

In the background rock-
fed surf, screams,
people pushed into rough sea
to swim ashore.

Fallen stone walls.
Fallen prayers. A corona
of lichens and moss
patina boulders.

A deeper silence
meets me,
gash of a wound
still healing.

Whitewashed church
by turbulent waters.
Empty pews.
Sanctuary on the lap
of sea cliffs.

Outside, names painted
on markers. His name above
the door, the one who
ate what they ate,
drank what they drank,
bread and blood offered up
for those outside the gate.




Kalaupapa revised
in memory of Father Damian

I walk the overgrown road
to the far side of the peninsula,
bleak, alive as if in a diorama.
Silence ripe with sensations.

In the background rock-
fed surf, screams,
people pushed into rough sea
to swim ashore. Fallen
stone walls. Fallen prayers.
A corona of lichens and moss
patina the boulders.

Light contends with shadows
the abducted. A deeper
silence meets me,
gash of a wound still healing.

Whitewashed church
by turbulent waters. Empty pews.
Sanctuary in the lap of sea cliffs.

Outside, names painted
on markers. His name above
the door, the one who
ate what they ate,
drank what they drank,
the bread and blood offered up
for those outside the gate.





Kalaupapa

I walk the overgrown road, more of a path, to the other
side of the tiny peninsula. Bleak, though green and
lush in places. Silence ripe with sensation. A history
with secrets. In the background the sound of waves

crashing on the beach like the screams of people pushed
into rough sea to swim ashore. Remnants of rock walls
surrounded by vegetation. The sun contends with dark
shadows--the figures of those restrained all these years.

A deeper silence meets me at the end of the road
like the eye of a hurricane or the gash of a wound still
healing. A whitewashed church next to the turbulent
waters. Empty pews. Sanctuary in the lap of sea cliffs.

Unspeakable sorrow in a silence long held captive by fear.
Markers with their names. His name above the door,
the one who ate what they ate, drank what they drank,
the bread and blood offered up for those outside the gate.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Kalaupapa

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Feb 2019, 10:18

I enjoyed this....I liked a number of lines, like "Sanctuary in the lap of sea cliffs." Can we shorten the lines "In the background the sound of waves/ crashing on the beach like the screams of people pushed into rough sea to swim ashore"? The drama is strung out too long. Think sprung rhythm, stresses, short feet....to suggest the urgency, the tragedy.... I'm not sure who "the figures of those restrained..." are. Lots of good material to work with...just needs to be more concise...

I would compact these lines(since I don't like "end of the road" or "the eye of a hurricane":
A deeper silence meets me at the end of the road
like the eye of a hurricane or the gash of a wound still
healing.

into:
A deeper silence, the gash of a wound
still healing.

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Kalaupapa

#3 Post by Billy » 15 Feb 2019, 10:43

I'll keep working on it, Bob, thanks. I revised, but not there yet.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Kalaupapa

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Feb 2019, 00:10

Oh this is much better, especially the flow and rhythm!

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Kalaupapa

#5 Post by Billy » 19 Feb 2019, 06:15

Yes, improved but still missing something.

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Kalaupapa revised

#6 Post by Billy » 24 Feb 2019, 23:30

revised again

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Kalaupapa revised

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 25 Feb 2019, 23:49

I don't know what else it needs Billy. Sometimes good enough is enough. It's a strong poem.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Kalaupapa revised

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 26 Feb 2019, 00:15

I agree... this is good

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