The Writers Block

Rrrrring Rrrring

It was after midnight when I was tossed out
of a tree lined café from a dream into bed.
Can a hard-back novel to the head stop
a cat-burglar? Where is my pit/boxer’s bark?

Hello I press drunkenly into my cell phone.
My daughter‘s cry urges me to brush a cloud
from my mind as murky images parents save
spring out of putrefied shells.

Through the thinning blur I hear:
They found my friend, Jessica, you know my friend
Jessica with black hair. She’s dead.
“Dead? What? “

I plow the carpet with my cold feet
in search of cotton mouth slippers.

“How?”

Drug overdose,
postpartum depression-
she has a three month old baby.

“Dear God, no”

“And you, you’re okay?”
My daughter is alive, alive but gutted
at the other end of an unsought moment.

Relief slowly picks up the stones
hurled in the pond of night.
Mom?

Memory stumbles to the couch but cannot
draw Jessica’s face: all I see is an ankle
sock and red Kool-aid stains.

Y---


almost stream of consciouness. but non stop action does not blur. the story unfolds with more speed than one might expect.

the maze in the waking speaker's mind, very well handled. the last lines devastating.

only here, this image gave pause;


Relief slowly picks up the stones
hurled in the pond of night.


a little too complicated---relief, stones, hurled, pond of night.


is there something more visceral?

death and injury won't be staying at my house tonight.



otherwise fresh and hard-hitting.



bernie

Yoly,

I like that the title tells of a phonecall and the first stanza takes away from that and comes right back to the phonecall on the third stanza. The timing is quick as the emergency of the message.

Very original first stanza. I do wonder why "pit/boxer" and not just pitbull, for instance; am I missing something there? The second stanza is very down to earth, paving the way for the reader, and I find it a smooth reading through here,

“And you, you’re okay?”
My daughter is alive, alive but gutted
at the other end of an unsought moment.

After this stanza, I agree with Bernie;

Relief slowly picks up the stones
hurled in the pond of night.

It seems overdone and explaining what is already said in the preceding stanza.

Great last stanza. I do wonder about "Memory." I think of it as a recollection. 'I stumble' may be both stronger and more straightforward.

You succeed in making a sad story fun to read.

pen
(Italics did not show on preview)

Written in the same breathlessness and disjointed manner in whici one attempts to decipher an unexpected and alarming late night phone call, aroused from a dead sleep. Very effective..

Anyone who has been on the receiving end just wants to get to the destination:

"So, you're alive?" Then you can figure the rest out after that is answered...

Well done, aptly layered

Hola, Bernie-
Thank you again for giving this another look and for your encouraging nudge towards bettering my work.
You are appreciated. And of course I pay close attention to your asking if there is something more visceral.

Hi, Pen-
Thank you for stopping in and for kindly responding.

"I do wonder why "pit/boxer" and not just pitbull, for instance; am I missing something there?"

I originally used just boxer but a reader thought boxer as in De La Hoya. I thought boxer/pit would clear it up. I'm thinking of just changing it back to boxer.
I was iffy about:
"Relief slowly picks up the stones
hurled in the pond of night."
I wanted to give the mom's relief a concrete summation. I will def. reconsider the line's value.

Glad the last stanza worked for you.

Hi, Kenneth-

Thank you. I'm glad the layers worked effectively for you.
Very good question:
""So, you're alive?"
Your ears know, but your heart and mind has to ask and has to be told in plain words that yes your child is alive
and no matter how terrible the news she is delivers, she is alive albeit distraught.
The gratefulness coupled with guilt and empathy is like tart/sweet jello that slips in fast
and usually awakens hunger instead of making peace with it.

I appreciate the feedback.

Peace,
Y

Hi Yoly

The waking up from a dream in the middle of the night with the ringing of the phone is well described. Also the imparting of the news, and the speaker's inability to recall how the dead girl looked. Well done throughout. A well-wrought family or domestic vignette. Fine work, Yoly. Enjoyed.

Chris

Thank you, Chris.
Glad you enjoyed.

Cheers,

Yoly,

That is funny about de la Hoya, but why would you refer to a pro boxer as "my" I would have enjoyed reading the whole comment on that; is it here somewhere? lol

pen

Hi Pen-
The boxer is a dog not a pro boxer. It was a reader that thought pro-boxer instead of a dog breed. : )

Yes, that is why I thought the inference on the part of the reader was so funny. I think your boxer is not a pro fighter nor underwear, it barks!

pen

Ha, glad we're on the same page now. : )

Hi Yoly,

I am a great follower of your writing but I think this one comes out flat, unhinged and unfinished...(e.g. stones hurled into pond of night; memories stumbling to the couch...). Please consider revisiting the entire piece, especially the end where it draws the attention of the reader to a kool-aid stained sock, in what appears to this reader at least, as an attempt to evoke some involvement and feeling.

Even if I were to suspend disbelief and fall for the strategy ...I think that needs to be employed more subtly throughout the poem, especially in how the conversation is handled.

Difficult piece to write, no doubt, more work needed, none the same, in this reader's opinion. Regards. Sachi

Hi Sachi-

Thank you for stopping in. I appreciate your feedback and will consider your words carefully.


Cheers,