The Writers Block

Confines of a Moment

Let’s-not-disturb-the-saints and shyness
did not serve me at twelve. Unwanted
were eyes and words drawing around my
body’s new chapter: non specifically

but an outdoor church event was in
the count. He was six years older, quasi
steward of the youth ministry and a wasp
thieving untroubled territory. His taunt

surprised my fear of being noticed out loud.
Portly fingers followed suit on my stage-two
chest in a white button blouse. I stood still
and became a dandelion. Coneflowers

brushed me with impassive glances: nothing
gathered nothing amassed. Indignation
was left to fast in the backwoods. There were
bigger offenses in need of the village.

Tad to controlled. I sense there is more left unsaid and this poem so, perfectly formatted with line and stanza breaks, wants to bust loose....

Also, flow is interrupted somewhat:

Let’s-not-disturb-the-saints and shyness
did not serve me at twelve. Unwanted
were eyes and words drawing around my
body’s new chapter: not specifically

<Shyness and let's-not-disturb-the-saints
did not serve mne at twelve.
Unwanted eyes and words drew around
my body's new (est) chapter: not specifically>

but an outdoor church event was in
the count. He was six years older, quasi
steward of the youth ministry and a wasp
thieving untroubled territory. (His taunt

surprised my fear of being noticed out loud.)

<Breaking this line up in favor of form blunts it>

His taunt surprised my fear of being noticed out loud.

Portly fingers followed suit on my stage-two
chest in a white button blouse.

(Yoly, here I'm confused if the steward has the portly fingers or the narrator is plumbing herblouse absently. This is crucial as it would change the entire dynamic of the poem.)

I stood still and became a dandelion. Coneflowers

brushed me with impassive glances: nothing
gathered nothing amassed. Indignation
was left to fast in the backwoods. There were
bigger offenses in need of the village.

Last stanza, I think, is a missed chance at some of that "busting loose" mentioned. First, I need to know whose fingers are portly...

Yoly---

i like this very very much.

takes several readings, for me, and that's fine.

a molestation where the victim --- years later, candidly recalls being touched intimately, but also recalls that there was no need for the fire department and three years of therapy.



Unwanted
were eyes and words drawing around my
body’s new chapter:


how delicate and yet frank. fresh statement.


the youthful perpetrator:

a wasp
thieving untroubled territory. His taunt

surprised my fear of being noticed out loud.


gentle and yet damning, non-accusatory and yet objective.


this phrasing, this story telling is fast, clean and oh so effective. i can see everything. especially, from the child's POV---so important.



Portly fingers followed suit on my stage-two
chest in a white button blouse. I stood still
and became a dandelion.


an inspired close, the perpetrator is placed into a broader perspective:


brushed me with impassive glances: nothing
gathered nothing amassed. Indignation
was left to fast in the backwoods. There were
bigger offenses in need of the village.

i elected to see that last line as --- it takes a village to raise child. also, the famous and sinister close to Plath's poem:





obviously, this is subject matter with a minefield.


the catholic church so recently in the news. I think of virginia woolf. i think of Nicole in tender is the night---molested by her father---the same story line in china town---the movie.
Lolita---the novel. Selena Cross, pregnant by her father in the 1956 novel Peyton Place....an act based on a true story the author said widely published ten years earlier in the newspapers.


the thin line, drawn here, between a forced act and when exploration is not exploitaton.


the delicacy and shyness, the adult recognition and frank portrayal, combine to make this a very memorable poem.


bernie

Yoly,

Powerful message and sustained tone, very compactly crafted, and with a use of language fit to the theme, a poem almost unwilling to reveal itself, yet it does it most effectively and with impactful imagery.

I really like the opening, the first two lines, though I lean against the addition of "non specifically" almost as if it subtracted or stayed in the air and I do not know why or what. That phrase continues on to the second stanza, yet it does not really seem to link to it.

I very much like the expression "His taunt surprised my fear of being noticed out loud." That whole stanza is original and works beautifully for me--I had never thought of "state-two chest" and "a white button blouse" spells out a lot, as well as the standing still, and a great visual to back it up. The next lines wants to tell me more than it does--"nothing gathered nothing amassed" is a sort of denial and it may be I am not of clear mind on this; another subtraction for me, but with a question mark this time.

"Indignation" line is impressive and the use of language related to church, image, emotion, my favorite line so far.

The poem seems to cut abruptly with "There were bigger offenses in need of the village," almost as if the narrator, even in retrospect, were reluctant to say what is compelled to do so. Her situation seemed small to her in comparison to other problems the 12 year old was able to perceive.

I relate too well to the content of your poem, which is written in a very controlled, yet very effective tone. This offenses go on within families, and under almost any setting, those places that are supposed to be refuges seem to lend themselves best for the horror. In this case, the church, a current and important event far from a real solution--who controls the act of another.

I am left to think.

pen

Hi Kenneth-

I originally began with shyness and flipped lets-not-disturb-the-saints because I thought
it lead the poem best. It is the portly steward's fingers on her.
The poem is more about the speaker pushing the event up and out of its dark place to be released from the shame.
Thank you for commenting. I will reconsider those line breaks.

Hola Bernie-
Your opening comment sums it.
The sad thing is that sometimes action isn't taken because there isn't a trusted party that advises "if this ever happens you can come to me..."
Probably because it isn't expected, therefore it will not happen, hence: nothing "gathered, nothing amassed"
"the thin line, drawn here, between a forced act and when exploration is not exploitaton" Absolutely.
Your return is appreciated. Yes, it takes a village. Loved the Plath quote.
Thank you for your kind remarks.

Hi Pen-

Thank you for allowing me your thoughts on a familiar yet difficult subject. I'm honored that this is well received.
"Non-specifically" works well.

"The poem seems to cut abruptly with "There were bigger offenses in need of the village," almost as if the narrator, even in retrospect, were reluctant to say what is compelled to do so.
Her situation seemed small to her in comparison to other problems the 12 year old was able to perceive."
I think that fear of being told one is at fault or "one asked for it" is what makes a girl keep quiet...Once she is older and knows better, she's able to tack language and realization to the event.


"I relate too well to the content of your poem, which is written in a very controlled, yet very effective tone."
Thank you. I hope that relating isn't in a memory or about memories that are painful.

"This offenses go on within families, and under almost any setting, those places that are supposed to be refuges seem to lend themselves best for the horror.
In this case, the church, a current and important event far from a real solution--who controls the act of another." Unfortunately you are right.
I appreciate your thoughts.

Peace,
Y

I enjoyed the control that the narrator explains the tale although I am vexed by the choice of words "non specifically".

I like the last stanza - she realizes that in the scheme of life, this is just a little indignity not worth getthing the "village" up in arms over.


SJF

I am enjoying reading your work, Yoly, on this subject. My two cents below!

JP

Let’s-not-disturb-the-saints and shyness
did not serve me at twelve. Unwanted ***I would lose 'unwanted'
were eyes and words drawing around my
body’s new chapter: non specifically

but an outdoor church event was in
the count. He was six years older, quasi ****For me, the poem begins here, maybe bring 'shyness did not serve me line to start the stanza.
steward of the youth ministry and a wasp
thieving untroubled territory. His taunt ****I would lose 'untroubled'

surprised my fear of being noticed out loud.
Portly fingers followed suit on my stage-two
chest in a white button blouse. I stood still
and became a dandelion. Coneflowers ****became a dandelion is superb.

brushed me with impassive glances: nothing
gathered nothing amassed. Indignation ****comma after 'gathered'
was left to fast in the backwoods. There were ****consider replacing 'indignation' with "I'
bigger offenses in need of the village.