The Writers Block

We now share the shadows
and, in fact, I’ve come to like
how you take up more
than your share of the light.

Go ahead, regurgitate the old spat,
now that our hiss and bite are past
and your ancient thump and flip
have proven to be only flair and plume.

I’m not angry anymore.

This isn’t resignation-
just the way we now regard each other
on the soft settee: parked side by side,
my mackerel scruff against your black silk.

When we’re paw over paw, I may just let you polish
my pockmarked ears. Even go so far to let—no, submit
as you knead my heart and stippled sides
until our eyes close under an afternoon sun.

But- just to let you know,
I’m watching you.















Old Version


We now share the shadows
(or do we, together, scare the shadows?)
and in fact, I’ve come to like
how you take up more than your share of the light.

Go ahead, regurgitate the old spat:
now that our hiss and bite are past
and your ancient thump and flip
have proven to be only flair and plume.

I'm not angry anymore.

This isn’t resignation-
just the way we now regard each other
on the soft settee: parked side by side,
mackerel scruff in collective purr against black silk.

When we’re paw over paw, I may just let you polish
my pockmarked ears. Even go so far to let-no, submit
as you knead my heart and stippled sides
until our eyes close under an afternoon sun.

But- just to let you know,
I’m watching you.

J---

a delicious tale.

i liked that the cat analogy was always kept under control. my interest remained high and unbroken.



We now share the shadows
(or do we, together, scare the shadows?)


ah, not so real crazy about "scare the shadows."


we sometime share odd halves
of windy nights.


the foghorn snore that only
sometime starts and then
abrubtly stops.

your mouth clean like a kitten.



your restless sprawl
and in fact, I’ve come to like
how you take up more than your share of the light.

Go ahead, regurgitate the old spat:
now that our hiss and bite are past
and your ancient thump and flip
have proven to be only flair and plume.

I'm not angry anymore.

This isn’t resignation-
just the way we now regard each other
on the soft settee: parked side by side,
mackerel scruff in collective purr against black silk.

When we’re paw over paw, I may just let you polish
my pockmarked ears. Even go so far to let-perhaps submit
as you knead my heart and stippled sides
until our eyes close under an afternoon sun.

But- just to let you know,
I’m watching you.



do you want to limit this to being only a cat?

might it be a cat, might it also be a mate?


at any rate, fun and very well executed.



bernie

Bernie, Thank you! I may indeed change the title to "Coming to an Understanding" to make this more ambiguous as it did occur to me that this could very well also apply to a human (mate). I also wanted a combination of fun as well as an element that makes the reader heartbroken.

As always, you hit the mark in your comments.

Jennifer

Jennifer,

I have read this poem several times and find myself in a bind as far as how to say what I see. What I think is easier; it is pull and push, hold and release, it spells one thing and says a different thing. You have done this almost to perfection.

In my own view, there is excess. Examples: "We now share..." could lose the "now,"
"and in fact, I've come to like.." could lose "and in fact"

The usual cropping. Aside from those, some parts are too obviously woven, such as the second line first stanza. Then, a line too rich to stand its own glory: " mackerel scruff in collective purr against black silk." I may leave out the purr against black silk or change it to something less close to cliche.

Again, "Go ahead, regurgitate the old spat:" could lose "Go ahead,"

This isn’t resignation-I would skip that -- the poem shows pretty well without explaining.

The following is good, why I may just let you, why not decisive? The pockmarked ears is great. What follows in the same line is wordy and I am not sure about "knead my heart"--it borders on cliche, but you may want it--it does have its place now and then and the situation reminds me of a woman after her husband's lover though kept ambiguous it has broader wings.

The two lines at the end, yes, they keep up with the drumming theme throughout the poem, consistent at that.

This, a first draft, I am sure you will make an effective poem even better.

pen

Many, many, thanks! Working on a revision now. Some thoughtful crits. So very grateful!
Jennifer

please see bottom for final revison

FINAL VERSION

We ration the hunts and chases now
and I’ve come to like
how you take up more
than your share of the light.

Oh, go ahead, regurgitate that old spat,
in this house where our bite and hiss are past
and your ancient thump and flip
have proven to be only flair and plume.

I am not angry anymore.

This isn’t resignation—
but the way we now regard each other
on the soft settee: parked side by side,
mackerel scruff on your black silk.

When we’re paw over paw, I may just let you polish
my pockmarked ears. Even go so far to let—no, submit—
as you knead my heart and stippled sides
until our eyes close under the awning of afternoon sun.

However, just to let you know,
I’m watching you.

Jennifer---


sorry, but i liked your original open much better---

We now share the shadows
and, in fact, I’ve come to like
how you take up more
than your share of the light.


immediate action, the reader is thrust into the poem.


but here---an intellectual drag, slowdown. the reader must parse, think, reason before taking action.

We ration the hunts and chases now
and I’ve come to like
how you take up more
than your share of the light.

one tip-off, the word now comes too late in the first line.



by the way, this seems OK, but weak:

and I’ve come to like

and I've grown hungry.....etc...


just a thought.



mojave

Thanks, Mojave. Two many 'shares' for my liking and 'sharing the shadows' didn't do for me what I really wanted to say - that we're old and ration out our hunts and chases. Not sure about the word ration but haven't yet found another word I like.

Jennifer

J---
measured, is a candidate.

ts eliot:

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?