The Writers Block

Second edit
I worked on this a bit after reading Jennifer's analysis and I maust say I agree with her. It is quite different now and more of what I originally intended.


The old man was the first to go
I followed unwillingly as he drifted
on, the slope slowing and me
with more momentum continued on
impassively as if in slow motion
film. The engine purred looking
for work. I gained on him, his gaping
mouth moved no doubt working
on heartfelt but thankfully
silent expletives and he such
a well dressed gentleman
In his long black camel hair coat

Winschoten - white with snow
A sudden cold snap that caught up on us.
The old man and his bicycle continued
To drift towards the bank then hit and
Bounced back into my path. Onlookers
froze - unmasked horror dawning
on their faces, children stilled
stared with fascination at the unfolding
drama I had almost caught up on him in
the Volkswagen, alternatively gunning the
engine and spinning the useless
steering wheel. At last some purchase
I drifted North-East and he continued
Westwards his mouth working
In a disconcerting way emptying
coloured invectives into the frosty air

As I passed serenely the wheels still
locked I saw in my mirror the old gentleman
mount his bicycle and although, roughed up
a little - one side coated with ice,
ride imperiously and sanguinely off.

Ieuan,

I am editing this. My trouble is with the language--not yours, mine!

I will come back.

pen

Hi Pen, yes riding a bike with an expensive coat, typical of the Dutch though. They even ride with their wives sitting on the back of the bike crossways. I've seen whole families on bikes. The 'bank', is it not the side of the road called a bank, maybe it's a Dutch word...I thought it was short for embankment or side of the road 'hit the bank'.

He mouthed expletives silently because I could not hear them being inside the car, or possibly he was mouthing before expressing his thoughts, being old he wanted to get them just right and juicy.

I will look at it again though.

thanks for feedback


Ieuan

try this! I much like. I am giving you what I want to hear. Jennifer

The old man was the first to go ****right away I am interested!
Suddenly and I followed against ***drop 'suddenly'
My will. He drifted West and I
Turned the wheel East he slowed
As I continued on silently engine ****a silent engine
Purring looking for work. I was ****try 'purringly'
Gaining on him at a rate and his ***I 'gained on him", drop 'rate'
Open mouth moved with silent
And heartfelt expletives and he ***try dropping 'heartfelt'
Such a well dressed gentleman ***drop 'such' - "was a well dressed...."
In his long black camel hair coat

Whinschoten - white with snow that
Cold snap that caught up on us. ***remove 'that', try 'a'
The old man and his bicycle continued
To drift towards the bank then hit and
Bounced back into my path. I caught
Up on him in the Volkswagen
Alternatively gunning the engine
And spinning the useless steering ***great
Wheel at last some purchase and **Cut this line!
We drifted East and he continued on
Westwards his mouth working
In a disconcerted way emptying
Invectives into the frosty air ***superb!!!!! ' add "more' before invetictives!!!!

Thanks Jenifer for the valued feedback, I trid to rewrite this last night and failed, it needs more attention to detail. Will examine in more detail yur comments and see what occurs, thanks again.

Ieuan

I---

a little less slowing, plz.


The old man was the first to go
I followed unwillingly he drifting
against the slope slowing and me
with more momentum continuing on
impassively as if in slow motion



i wouldn't start dreaming:


as in the films or in a dream-world





my engine purring looking for work.
Slowly gaining on him, his gaping
mouth moving and working on


some folks advocate a reduced use of gerunds---the ing ending words.


my engine purred as i looked for work.
i gained on him, his mouth gaped...



heartfelt but thankfully
silent expletives and he such
a well dressed gentleman
In his long black camel hair coat

Winschoten - white with snow
A sudden cold snap that caught up on us.
The old man and his bicycle continued
To drift towards the bank then hit and
Bounced back into my path. Onlookers
froze - unmasked horror dawning
on their faces, children stilled
staring with fascination at the unfolding
drama I had almost caught up on him in
the Volkswagen, alternatively gunning the
engine and spinning the useless
steering wheel.

And at last some purchase --- cut


We drifting North-East and he continuing
Westwards his mouth working
In a disconcerting way emptying
coloured invectives into the frosty air


we drifted north-east and he continued

As I passed serenely the wheels still
locked and pointing east I saw in my
rear mirror the old gentleman mount
his bicycle and although, roughed up
a little - one side coated with ice,
ride imperiously and sanguinely off.[/color]


me, i cut imperiously.


very interesting poem.


mojave

Yes, thanks Mojave...hand't noticed the slowing. I changed as many -ing endings as a could and tinkered with the engine a bit. I think it's not too bad,. By interesting you mean odd, right?