The Writers Block

(revision)

Code:

Towards the Bend

            I rift
downhill
   for a song,
             until
it speaks to me.

You are the quipu
       for its tune;
          in knots,
it pulls
and ululates.

The cuculí,
      the capulí,
           the wind,
       play huaynos
from your fire.

              I dance,
           I swim,
      a Chaski
in your river flames.

Towards the Bend

I travel long and lonely
for a song, until
it speaks to me.

You are the vessel
for its tune;
unheard, it ululates.

The cuculí, the capulí,
the wind, play huaynos
born from ancient tales.

I dance in forest fire.
A bellow blows into
the river flames.


pen

P---


sensuous and lyrical.

as always, i would raid the poem looking to elimnate false notes, chat, and guidebook language.



I travel long and lonely
for a song, until
it speaks to me.


the first line, just ain't so fresh.


The early flight
to Caracas.

on the tarmac,
the cuculí, the capulí,
the wind, playing huaynos.


anchor the poem, begin action, and then the lyrical, magic statement.


here is the jewel, guard it well:




You are the vessel
for its tune;
unheard, it ululates.


just not feeling this beyond a popular song.


born from ancient tales.

telly book about folk tales and stuff.



I drowse, dream, wake.
The plane descends
into forest fire,
a bellow blows into
the river flames.



now i feel some fear, some wonder---boy am i awake. are the flames real, or lyrics from the song?



mojave

Hi, I agree with Mojave that the end really is on fire.
Try starting with that last stanza. Also, your beautiful title eludes me.

Maybe put the 2nd to last stanza next.....

Go ahead, play. It couldn't hurt, could it?

Jennifer

Pen:

Pretty intoxicating for such a demure package, which makes it all the more admirable. I like the use of exotic language. Beautiful.

Thank you, Bernie and Jennifer. The fewer the words, the harder to tweak. I will see what I can do.

Thank you, Ken, I am thrilled you like it so.

pen

Hi Pen-

Lovely and lyrical.
I too would omit the first S. It seems to be outside of the circle looking in.
Perhaps it can be bumped up to be the title after a tweak?

I travel long and lonely
for a song, until
it speaks to me.

You are the vessel
for its tune;
unheard, it ululates.

The cuculí, the capulí,
the wind, play huaynos
born from ancient tales.

I dance in forest fire.
A bellow blows into
the river flames.

Peace,

Hi, Yoly,

I hope it is a bit better--I do see how weak the first stanza is in the original.

Not quite the scare, Bernie, but, maybe, clearer.

Ken, there is more of the language you like--maybe too much?

Jennifer, yes, thank you, I played.

***(I could not get the font to be dark reddish brown and have no idea why it came out green).

Thank you much.

pen