gates swinging open

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OCTOGENARIAN
Posts: 78
Joined: 01 Nov 2008, 02:14

gates swinging open

#1 Post by OCTOGENARIAN » 25 May 2012, 22:57

the sun is coated in a raindrop
and the perfection here is unsettling
I need to hear an electronic voice on my gps
before I believe I've actually arrived in eden

I can see the green leaves from the trunk
that made this wooden bench
my skin gets more and more like jewelry
the first instinct I have is to scrape it off
and take it to one of those cash for gold places

but then I remember
the only adornment or legal tender
I need now is the honeysuckle
and my mouth slowly begins to get reaquainted
with the sweetness it was meant for

my old life vanishes under the shadow of a flock of geese-
the last thing I will ever have to watch die


(to order a copy of my first poetry book lapping water go here-
http://lappingwater.weebly.com/)

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1547
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: gates swinging open

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 27 May 2012, 17:53

Hi Octogen,

Is this poem, gates swinging open, in your chapbook? Is this poem unpublished?

Are you representing any other board this upcoming June IBPC?

If this poem is unpublished, and if you are not representing any other board,

would you please accept or decline to represent the Block in this thread @ P & N:

Our 2 to represent the Block for June 2012

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5405

If you accept, please also provide in that same thread all the necessary info as delineated in the initial entry.

Thanks, Octogen,

and I hope you and all fellow Block poets are enjoying the long M-weekend

8)

Michael (MV)

User avatar
Yoly
Posts: 274
Joined: 20 Apr 2005, 22:44

Re: gates swinging open

#3 Post by Yoly » 12 Jun 2012, 21:22

What a lovely poem, Octo.
I can chew on it for a while and it will still rmain pleasant in my mouth.


Cheers
Yo

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: gates swinging open

#4 Post by FrankDyer » 14 Jun 2012, 04:50

Yea! like Yoly I too savoured this poem. I think it can be improved which no one else has suggested. I would use caps for the title, important and begin sentences with a capital letter too, just for standard English usage.

'The sun is coated ina raindrop' seems to explicit to me, why not: the sun coated in a shimery raindrop, is that too flowery? But anyhow cut the 'is'


the sun is coated in a raindrop


and the perfection here is unsettling. I would prefer something along the ilnes of: 'Perfection unsettling'

I find the next two lines laboured, can you shorten and mnake it rather less posaic. I am aware other slike it as it is.

I need to hear an electronic voice on my gps. 'An electronic ping of my GPS would settle me
That I have arrived in the garden before the fall.'

before I believe I've actually arrived in eden

I can see the green leaves from the trunk
that made this wooden bench
my skin gets more and more like jewelry
the first instinct I have is to scrape it off
and take it to one of those cash for gold places

but then I remember
the only adornment or legal tender
I need now is the honeysuckle
and my mouth slowly begins to get reaquainted
with the sweetness it was meant for

my old life vanishes under the shadow of a flock of geese-
the last thing I will ever have to watch die [things don't die in Eden!]


(to order a copy of my first poetry book lapping water go here-

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