the passenger seat

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OCTOGENARIAN
Posts: 78
Joined: 01 Nov 2008, 02:14

the passenger seat

#1 Post by OCTOGENARIAN » 12 Jul 2012, 14:26

you are streaming water over steep falls
and I'm the splashes beneath that shoot up in all directions
once, we were both foamy white
clinging to boulders
our bubbles popping at the end of the day
thriving in the easy rythms of the current

now, when I take your hand
it's open like the invitation of honey
just about to drip from your comb
I never hear the furious hum of your wings
hidden inside the nest

my every precaution is like only putting my seatbelt on
as you do 90 towards oncoming traffic
sometimes I look out the window and see men with pithy in their eyes
and shovels that attack the ground
in preparation for when we finally rest

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

clarification

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 28 Jul 2012, 05:48

Is there a time gap between all three stanzas?What does the second stanza seek to do ?The word 'honey' spoils it for me.Anyway honey does not drip invitingly from the comb.
The third stanza makes sense.It can be condensed into a minimalistic poem with the title.'the passenger seat'.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: the passenger seat

#3 Post by FrankDyer » 03 Aug 2012, 04:10

You are streaming water [rushing] over steep falls
and I am the splashes beneath,
that shoot up in all directions
Once, we were both foamy white
clinging to boulders.
Our bubbles popping at the end of the day,
thriving in the easy [rythems] of the current [rhymes to do with poetry, rhythem to do with dance and music]

Now, when I take your hand
it's open like [an] invitation of honey
[oozing] from your comb
I hear the furious hum of wings
beating from inside your nest

My every precaution is like putting [a] seatbelt on
as you do ninety, never mind oncoming traffic
sometimes I look out the window and see men with pithy in their eyes [pithy eyes or pith in their eyes?]
Hacking the ground with heavy steel spades
Preparing our final resting place

Titles must have capital letters for each word, no period or full stop.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: the passenger seat

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 20 Sep 2012, 12:42

Frank
There is no hard and fast rule that says

Titles must have capital letters for each word, no period or full stop.

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