Symptomatic

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Symptomatic

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 23 Jul 2012, 09:55

Symptomatic

Not born with it. Eclipse swallows
pushing out great grandmothers
and babies, so that death and life
daisy chain like phosphorescent
super naturals and traffic whiz a whiz
around her birth bed ; grandmother's toes
draw circles in the air to shoo away
haloed mongooses.

Tic-toc. The tongue moves within her cheek.
Things sway, things move, things fall.
She puts in and pulls out her thumb.
Predictions blare like radio messages.
Her hair would singe with solar rays.
She held in closed fists a melange of demigods,
inside pinafore pockets.
Her pranks like the whorls of a flower.

Derailed trams; snapped fish-plates off railway tracks;
lifted the veils from nuns faces like
how a gale opens umbrellas; in fact the missiles
that Kuttichathan shot, hit their mansion;
the mud, rubble, gravel. Girl unobtainable,
demure like Dhamayanthi... eyes downcast
followed whosoever came,
could shame Ravi Varma's art.

Outside Mahajan High School in a nightie,
she walked shoulder to shoulder with the Yakshies
leading her with a tray of
tender coconut flowers. She was used
to the acoustics of weird spirits...
the hooting of nights owls,
howling dogs like the hum of some inner Walkman.
As if dead ancestors with unfinished business
prodded her into action.

Strange games on smooth boards.
Coins moving at rash speed, polygons of alphabets
their osmosis of blood made her a lieutenant
very early in life: she became their agent.
Remembering this printout; long list :
Mother Rose, Mother Mary
Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
kneel, sprinkle holy water, make the sign of the Cross.
That she would strain tea in bra cups
and get away with it.
A yogi like Suddhanada Bharathi
could have made a wish
and spliced the chords to her brain
so that all her babies became blue with muffled cries.

That sage men could falter on banana peels
of desire by beauty that could out beat the Apsaras.

Because she played Nala her feet pivoted
on firm ground. If it had been the Devas
she could have really done a float.
Queen of Queen Mary's College. Hair beauty of‘49.
A premarital abortion carried her madness
full score. Cooked rice would like worms;
father's face distorted like a demon.

She was Samson, slender but Narasimhan.

After which it was a sequence of Durga temples.
Hard headed priests with soft bellied navels
danced carrying flaming sesame torches.
Incantations jostled Durga’s thirty three names.
Nails bit into Neem trees pinpointing evil veins.
Witch priests from Kerala with obese wives
tried their bit, laid back and waited.












Edited.Tidied


Symptoms Of Madness

Not born with it. Eclipse swallows
pushing out great grandmothers
and babies, so that death and life
daisy chain like phosphorescent
super naturals and traffic whiz a whiz
around her birth bed - grandmother's
toe draws air circles to shoo away
haloed mongooses.

Tic-toc.The tongue moves within cheek.
Things sway, things move, things fall
She puts in and pulls out her thumb
predictions blare like radio messages.
Her hair would singe with solar rays.
She held in closed fists a mélange
of demigods, inside pinafore pockets.
Her pranks like whorls of a flower.

Derailed trams; snapped fish-plates
off railway tracks; lifted the veil off nuns
like a gale an umbrella; in fact the missiles
that Kuttichathan shot hit 20-B - the mud
rubble, gravel-girl unobtainable. Demure
like Dhamayanthi - eyes downcast followed
whomsoever came where so ever moved;
could shame Ravi Varma's art.

Outside Mahajan High School in a nightie,
did she walk shoulder to shoulder with
Yakshies leading her with a tray of
tender coconut flowers? She was used
to the acoustics of weird spirits - hooting of
nights owls, howling dogs like the hum
of some inner Walkman. As if dead ancestors
with unfinished business prodded her to action.

Strange games on smooth boards. Coin
moving at rash speed, polygons of alphabets
their osmosis of blood made her
a lieutenant very early in life: she
became their agent. Remembering this
printout. Long list. Mother Rose, Mother Mary
Hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, kneel,
sprinkle holy water, make the sign of the Cross.
That she could filter tea in bra cups
and get away with it. A yogi like Suddhanada
Bharathi could have made a wish and spliced
the chords to her brain so that all her
babies became blue with muffled cries. That
sage men could falter on banana peels
of desire by beauty that could out beat
the Apsaras.

Because she played Nala her feet pivoted
on firm ground. If it had been the Devas
she could have really done a float.
Queen of Queen Mary's College.Hair beauty of‘49.
A premarital abortion carried her madness
full score. Cooked rice could crawl like worms;
father's face distorted to a demon.
She was Samson, slender but Narasimhan.

After which it was a sequence of Durga
temples. Hard headed priests with soft
bellied navels danced about carrying
flaming torches with sesame. Incantations
jostled the thirty three names. Nails bit
into Neem trees pinpointing evil veins.
Witch doctors from Kerala with obese wives
tried their bit, laid back and waited.



Post subject: Re: Symptoms Of Madness

Posted: 30 Jul 2012, 15:27






Symptoms Of Madness

Not born with it. Eclipse swallows
and pushes out great grandmothers
and babies, so that death and life
daisy chain like phosphorescent
super naturals and traffic whiz-a-whizzes
around her birth bed - grandmother's
toe draws air circles to shoo away
three haloed mongooses.

Dick dock. The tongue moves in cheek.
Things sway, things move, things fall
she puts in and pulls out her thumb
predictions blare like radio messages;
her hair would singe with solar rays.
She held in closed fists a melange
of demigods, inside pinafore pockets.
Her pranks like whorls of a flower.

Derailed trams; snapped fish-plates
off railway tracks; lifted the veil off nuns
like a gale an umbrella; in fact the missiles
that Kuttichathan shot hit 20-B,Boag Road;
the mud, rubble, gravel- girl unobtainable.
Demure like Dhamayanthi-eyes downcast
followed whomsoever came where so ever
moved; could shame Ravi Varma's art.

Outside Mahajan High School in a nightie,
did she walk shoulder to shoulder with
Yakshies leading her with a tray of
tender coconut flowers? She was used
to the acoustics of weird spirits- hooting of
nights owls, howling dogs like the hum
of some inner walkman. As if dead ancestors
with unfinished business prodded her to action.

Strange games on smooth boards. Coin
moving at rash speed, polygons of alphabets
their osmosis of blood made her
lieutenant very early in life: she
became their agent. Remembering this
printout. Long list. Mother Rose, Mother Mary
Hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, kneel,
sprinkle holy water, make the sign of the Cross.
That she could filter tea in cups of bras
and get away with it . A yogi like Suddhanada
Bharathi could have made a wish and spliced
the chords to her brain so that all her
babies became blue with muffled cries. That
sage men could falter on banana peels
of desire by beauty that could out beat
the Apsaras.

Because she played Nala the feet pivoted
on firm ground. If it had been the Devas
she could have really done a float.
Queen of Queen Mary's. Hair beauty' 49 50.
a premarital abortion carried her madness
full score. Cooked rice would crawl like worms;
father's face distorted to a demon.
She was Samson, slender but Narasimhan.

After which it was a sequence of Durga
temples. Hard headed priests with soft
bellied navels danced about carrying
flaming torches with sesame. Incantations
jostled the thirty three names. Nails bit
into neem trees pinpointing evil veins;
witch men from Kerala with obese wives
tried their bit, laid back and waited.

Footnote
Eclipse-the great Solar Eclipse of 1955
Kuttichatan--an evil spirit(can be googled)
Dhamayanthi-A princess married to Nala
Nala--He was a deva,so his feet could not touch the ground
Yakshies--spirits of the forest
Ravi Varma's art(can be googled)--Ravi Varma's paintings in the Trivandrum Art Gallery--The speciality about this painting(Hansa Dhamayanthi) is that the eyes seem to follow us everywhere when one walks around.
Narasimhan-Lord Visnu assumes this ferocious avatar to kill an atheist Hiranyakashipu

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Symptoms Of Madness

#2 Post by FrankDyer » 30 Jul 2012, 18:27

I liked this poem very much, I canot understand why it has had no response from the members. Here is a gifted poet, from a different culture, different continent and the poem is ripe with references that we can only guese at.This is why the essence of poetry is about, enjoying other worlds without having to have had the trouble of traveling there.

I understand what the poet is trying to say, and she does say it magnificently, I have had to look after a aged father, who did not give a hoot of what other people thought and had become like a child.

Just a couple of niggles, the usual form of the plural of mongoiuse is mongouses, mongeese if ok but for me it jars, seems out of place somehow.

[That she could filter tea in cups of bras ] This is an eccentric way of saying it, better to say: she strained her tea in bra cups, and got away with it. We strain tea of tea leaves yes, the Americans would't know what we were on about, they make tea from water in the hot water tap (fawcet) and only ever use tea bags. Someone said they use the same tea bag more than once...shudder.

[witch men from Kerala with obese wives] Do you mean which? or do you mean using the nomal term for black magic priests: witch doctors? I think you mean witch doctors with fat wives.

[Cooked rice would crawl like worms;] This one defies logic, cooked rice would have cooked worms surely? I get your drift but could you say in another way and retain the logic?

[Dick dock] Confused with this , do you mean a clock? if so we use 'tic toc' for the movement of a clock, that is an old fashoioned clock with proper mechanical workings.

This is a tour de force of poetry, managing to describe the eccentricities of dementia (we don't use madness any more for this ailment) or even alkzeimers disease. Madness is socially unsettling, yes? I think your particular way of using grammar reflects India, and I would hate to alter that, but the grammer does need tightening up slightly. But I would then hate to remove your particualr way of explaining things. Most of the Indian tenmple rituals and gods and godesses are lost to the European but I suppose we could learn.

I really do think this could be a great poem, I am thinking of Kipling and he uses so many Indian words and phrases only found in the British Army and he was very successful. Your poetry could become like his, unique, but please regularise your English usage.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1547
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Symptoms Of Madness

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 31 Jul 2012, 08:23

Hi Frank,

What do you and others think of asking Siva if this one can represent the Block in this IBPC?

Deadline approaching

as always

8)

Michael (MV), who has been & remains very pre-occupied on the homefront

 
 
 

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1547
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Symptoms Of Madness

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 31 Jul 2012, 08:32

Hi Siva,


Emily, for one comes to mind:


Much Madness is divinest Sense --
To a discerning Eye --
Much Sense -- the starkest Madness --
'Tis the Majority
In this, as All, prevail --
Assent -- and you are sane --
Demur -- you're straightway dangerous --
And handled with a Chain --

 
8)

Michael (MV)

 
 
 


 
 

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Symptoms Of Madness

#5 Post by SivaRamanathan » 31 Jul 2012, 09:18

Frank
Thank you for your detailed reading.The poem has been with me for more than thirty years.Unpublished,because it is too personal.

Mongooses, right. We learnt that the plural of mongoose is mongoose not mongooses.
I will keep cups of bras. I once saw children use a bra as a hammock for their doll and I got the idea.
Witch doctor is not used in India. Witch men is okay.

[Cooked rice would crawl like worms;]there is no logic here.To a person who is sick in the mind cooked rice will begin to wriggle like worms.

The child closes her mouth and moves her tongue left and right in the inner side of her closed mouth,like a protruding berry.So powerful is her mental concentration that she is able to move objects just by staring at it.
Dick dock
The child would have got it from Hickory Dickory Dock.

And Michael thank you for asking.
Frank ,will you help me to tighten the grammar?

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Symptoms Of Madness

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 31 Jul 2012, 10:43

Footnote
Eclipse-the great Solar Eclipse of 1955
Kuttichatan--an evil spirit(can be googled)
Dhamayanthi-A princess married to Nala
Nala--He was a deva,so his feet could not touch the ground
Yakshies--spirits of the forest
Ravi Varma's art(can be googled)--Ravi Varma's paintings in the Trivandrum Art Gallery--The speciality about this painting(Hansa Dhamayanthi) is that the eyes seem to follow us everywhere when one walks around.
Narasimhan-Lord Visnu assumes this ferocious avatar to kill an atheist Hiranyakashipu

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Symptoms Of Madness

#7 Post by FrankDyer » 01 Aug 2012, 12:59

I would heartily agree Michael that this poem is a gem and could represent this forum...however I cannot understand why the poet insists that the plural of mongoose is mongoose? The plural is mongooses, but mongeese may be used, but is rarely used.

I think the poem is excellent, but it would not do justice to the forum with the gramatical and typing errors that are still there. I suggested to the poet that it needed tidying up and she asked if I could help.

I think the poet can tidy up the small typos herself, she is quite capable.

I am pleased that you endorse my comments Michael and ask my opinion that this represent this forum. Yes but please tidy up!!!

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Thanks Frank and Michael

#8 Post by SivaRamanathan » 01 Aug 2012, 21:55

Frank
I have changed mongoose to mongooses.I am not able to spot the mistakes because I wrote it in a child's voice.So the hiccups
of language will be there.Pen has also disappeared.I have asked my daughter who is in LSE to have a look.She is an 'All India Prize' winning poet.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Symptoms Of Madness

#9 Post by FrankDyer » 02 Aug 2012, 04:30

Ok, the darned mongooses are sorted out.

Not born with it.

Eclipse swallows
pushing out great grandmothers
and babies,

so that death and life
daisy chain like phosphorescent
super naturals and traffic whiz a whiz

around her birth bed - grandmother's

toe draws air circles to shoo away [not keen on air circles- it may be poetic licence but I prefer a more mundane approach, you have enough poetic devices . I prefer 'toes draw circles in the air'.]
haloed mongooses.

Tic-toc.The tongue moves within cheek. [maybe: her tongue]
Things sway, things move, things fall

She puts in and pulls out her thumb [needs a period or full stop after thumb, new sentence Predictions]
predictions blare like radio messages.
Her hair would singe with solar rays.
She held in closed fists a mélange
of demigods, inside pinafore pockets.
Her pranks like whorls of a flower.

Derailed trams; snapped fish-plates [I love the technical information here, fish plates - very good]

off railway tracks; lifted the veil off nuns [should be plural here, lifted veils from nun's faces]

like a gale an umbrella; in fact the missiles [gale of umberellas sounds ok to me, but the way you have it is an incomplete thought so you should seperate the thought, 'like a gale - or an umberella']

that Kuttichathan shot hit 20-B - the mud [again puctuation lets you down, we don't know what Kuttichan is, a man, a device but it is capitalised so a person? so then it should be 'Kuttichan's shot hit 20-B', but if I have it wrong many others will also mistake what you mean and it just looks like bad grammar. make it clear what does 'shot hit' mean?] [I think you mean Kutthichan's shot hit 20B]



rubble, gravel-girl unobtainable. Demure
like Dhamayanthi - eyes downcast followed
whomsoever came where so ever moved; [maybe 'came when someone moved']
could shame Ravi Varma's art.

Outside Mahajan High School in a nightie,
did she walk shoulder to shoulder with ['did she' is a question, but I doubt you mean that, she walked is adequate unless I have the wrong meaning]
Yakshies leading her with a tray of
tender coconut flowers? She was used
to the acoustics of weird spirits - hooting of [the hooting of ]
nights owls, howling dogs like the hum
of some inner Walkman. As if dead ancestors
with unfinished business prodded her to action. [into action is better]

Strange games on smooth boards. Coin [is 'coins' better]
moving at rash speed, polygons of alphabets
their osmosis of blood made her
a lieutenant very early in life: she
became their agent. Remembering this
printout. Long list. Mother Rose, Mother Mary
Hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, kneel,
sprinkle holy water, make the sign of the Cross.
That she could filter tea in bra cups [ah you like bra cups ] [we know he could do something, but would is the proper word] She would do something] [maybe you could use: strained tea using size 'B' cups or size 'B' bra cups']

and get away with it. A yogi like Suddhanada
Bharathi could have made a wish and spliced
the chords to her brain so that all her
babies became blue with muffled cries. That
sage men could falter on banana peels
of desire by beauty that could out beat
the Apsaras.

Because she played Nala her feet pivoted
on firm ground. If it had been the Devas
she could have really done a float.
Queen of Queen Mary's College.Hair beauty of‘49. [space after College]
A premarital abortion carried her madness
full score. Cooked rice could crawl like worms; [again could instead of would]
father's face distorted to a demon. [like a demon or something else - to a demon isn't right]
She was Samson, slender but Narasimhan.

After which it was a sequence of Durga
temples. Hard headed priests with soft
bellied navels danced about carrying [leave out about]
flaming torches with sesame. Incantations [maybe: flaming seseme torches]
jostled the thirty three names. Nails bit
into Neem trees pinpointing evil veins.
Witch doctors from Kerala with obese wives
tried their bit, laid back and waited.

You need to sort out your line breaks, big time.

The title is off-putting, madness is not an accepted word in the English speaking world any more, not socially accepted. This is a poem about a loved mother or grandmother, right? The title should reflect that love. The memory is not harsh even though it lists all her faults and her odd moments, you found them endearing , right. So do make the title kinder. You are a poet, I am sure you do not mean to call your loved one mad, even if she was into the latter stages of dementia. You can use a dozen titles much kinder and more accurate to what you wish to say. Why do you insist in giving a negative vibe when you are praising her memory. Eccentricities of Love - the Eccentricities of old age. Grandmother's Odd moments, don't use mine make your own. Think of what summed up Grandma in those very odd moments where you were shocked and yet loved her more than ever. it is a 30 year memorial to a great woman - well in your eyes. if you don't praise her, no one else will.

It's a pity to ruin a perfectly good poem by leaving in so many small errors. You are going to represent the baord, check every line carefully and see that it is proper English. If you are using jargon or child speak I suggest you put in litterals. eg. "Arrrh, belay that lad, that's no go you know."

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Symptoms Of Insanity

#10 Post by SivaRamanathan » 02 Aug 2012, 11:54

Frank Dyer
You seem to be tuned to Indian sensibilities.Thank you for your time and patience.I would have saved both of us a lot of 'messages' if only I had listened to you,when you edited after your first reading.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Symptoms Of Insanity

#11 Post by FrankDyer » 02 Aug 2012, 17:14

With respect Siva, although the new title is a tad better it still has a negative conetation. Insanity is too strong a word for what you are trying to covey. Your grandparent was childlike, yes? and endearing, so although technically doctors might call her mad she was in fact entering her second childhood. So why insist on calling her mad? She may have had manic episodes towards the end, but I sure they wer ein the latter stages of the dgeneration process.

If you want to show her of as a mad person by all means use that word, but if you want us to think of her kindly use a words that are more subtle, like 'second childhood' or the 'latter stages of life of a well worn life', 'the fruits of a long life' anything bud madness and insanity.

For a great poem you need a great title,spend some time on it.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Symptoms Of Insanity

#12 Post by SivaRamanathan » 02 Aug 2012, 18:35

Frank
I understand why you are confused.The poem is about 'Mother'.I have used grandmother once, great grandmother once.I will think up a title before tomorrow morning.I will be travelling and where I go there will be no internet connection,But I will somehow manage to post just the title.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Symptoms Of Insanity

#13 Post by SivaRamanathan » 02 Aug 2012, 19:27

Still, we mst write the way we write. No? I would like to retain the title.
My entire collection s about the progress of madness and the resolution thereof.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Symptoms Of Insanity

#14 Post by FrankDyer » 02 Aug 2012, 19:45

It is immaterial if it is about your mother, grandmother, paternal aunt or any other senile person, the point is that the title could be improved. If you don't agree, then that is your choice. You don't have to explain to me, it is your poem.

There is a lot to do on gramtical mistakes. A pause or an incomplete thought is usually designated so: 'I was thinking... the moon is bright tonight.' Three dots then a space.

Your line breaks need attention, I want you to win.

I usually ignore line breaks in my own poems, but yours are so bad they needs attention.

The poem is much improved in my opinion, still not sure about bras, needs some thought.

This is workshopping, you don't have to like what I write. You don't even have to like me. It's about what I think of your poem and what impact your poem has had on me. You don't even have to make any changes. But, workshopping is a tried and tested method in the poetic world, it works.

It's not as if I am an expert, I may be a complete moron, the point is you get feedback and can analyse my thinking. I just might make some impression on you.

I happen to like workshopping. Sometimes I can see how shallow some of the comments are, I thank them anyway, just for the time they put in. Penumbra and Mojave are the best two writers on here and their workshopping is great.

I sincerely hope you put some effort into this process, your poem should benefit and after 30 years it needs to be brought out into the light of day. Rememebr, you represent India.

Be careful of family, no matter how elevated they are, they will write their way. You need to devlop your way.


I have been thinking, if 'witch doctor' is alien to India then use the Indian word that you use. Put foreign words (foreign to English) in italics.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1547
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Symptoms Of Insanity

#15 Post by Michael (MV) » 02 Aug 2012, 23:53

what about "symptomatic" as title


Bravo to Frank for the encouraging & constructive workshopping on Siva's poem.


Siva, please accept or decline in the thread @ P & N:
Our 2 to represent the Block for August IBPC:

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5451


Siva, if you accept, then please asap provide in that thread all the needed info.

Thanks,

Michael (MV)

 
 
 

 
 

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Symptoms Of Insanity

#16 Post by SivaRamanathan » 03 Aug 2012, 07:28

I will post after 5pm.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Thank you, Frank and Michael

#17 Post by SivaRamanathan » 03 Aug 2012, 19:35

Thank you Frank. And Michael, for the confidence you have in me.
Frank,I am learning.Though I have been writing for more than forty years I have not come out with a book of poems only because I do not want to self publish unedited work.I will not be able to spot anything because I have been reading my own writing over and over again so nothing will seem out of place to me.My poem ,'Symptomatic' looks a lot tidier now.Thank you for your persistence.One day I wish to be able to edit like you.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Symptomatic

#18 Post by FrankDyer » 04 Aug 2012, 02:36

My Choice of Title would be (would as in if I had the choice):

Idira [use her name] Her Golden Years [Notice capital letters for the title, no period.]

Symptomatic

Not born with it [this age malaise].
Eclipse swallows, pushing out great grandmothers
and babies, so [omit that] death and life
daisy chains like phosphorescent
super naturals and traffic whiz a whiz [strange sentence drop one wiz?]
around her birth bed. Grandmother's toes
draw circles in the air, shooing away
haloed mongooses.

Tic-toc, her [drop 'the'] tongue moves within her cheek.
Things sway, move, fall.
She puts in and pulls out her thumb.
She blare out predictions like radio messages.
Her hair singed as with solar rays.
She held in closed fists a melange of demigods,
drawn suddenly from a pinafore pocket.
Her pranks like the whorls of a flower. [what was your response to her pranks? did you laugh? encourage her? needs saying]

Derailed trams; snapped fish-plates;
she lifted the veils from nun's faces.
A gale opening umbrellas.
In fact the missiles that Kuttichathan shot,
hit their mansion;
the mud, rubble, gravel.
Suddenly, girl unobtainable,
demure like Dhamayanthi... eyes downcast
followed whosoever came,
put Ravi Varma's art to shame.

Outside Mahajan High School in a nightie,
she walked shoulder to shoulder with the Yakshies
leading with a tray of tender coconut flowers.
Familiar with the acoustics of weird spirits...
the hooting of nights owls
and howling dogs like the hum of some inner Walkman.
As if a dead ancestor with unfinished business
prodded her into action.

Strange games on smooth boards.
Coins moving at rash speed, polygons of alphabets.
Their osmosis of blood made her a lieutenant
very early in life, she became their agent.
Remembering this printout; long list:
Mother Rose, Mother Mary
Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
kneel, sprinkle holy water, make the sign of the Cross.
She strained her tea in old bra cups
and got away with it.
A yogi like Suddhanada Bharathi
could have made a wish
and spliced the chords to her brain
so all her babies became blue with muffled cries.

That sage men could falter on banana peels
of desire by beauty that could out beat the Apsaras. [You falter in expressing the thought, she was beautiful and affected holy men - say it differently, write it out long hand then shorten to fit in with poem]

Because she played Nala her feet pivoted
on firm ground. If it had been the Devas
she could have really done a float. [not sure about this line, you mean she could have had her own float in a parade?]
Queen of Queen Mary's College. Hair beauty of‘49.

[Suggest two queens in one line is one too much, could you use St. Mary's College, it may not be accurate but it is more convenient]

A premarital abortion carried her madness
full score. Cooked rice would like worms;

[This sentence needs attention, the point is cooked rice seemed to her to be wriggling worms, a revulsion. You should pen this line differently.] [To her cooked rice became a writhing mass of worms - fear... trembling]
father's face distorted like a demon.

[this line on its own is bare bones, he is angry at her, yes? an indtroduction maybe. It is rather stark ]

She was Samson, slender but Narasimhan.

After which it was a sequence of Durga temples.
Hard headed priests with soft bellied navels
danced carrying flaming sesame torches.
Incantations jostled Durga’s thirty three names.
Nails bit into Neem trees pinpointing evil veins.
Witch priests [Suggest the Hindi word ojhas] from Kerala with obese wives
tried their bit, laid back and waited. [This last line is intriguing]

I spent an hour on this this morning and then lost it. I have done a little bit, maybe you can finish it? I think you need to introuce a thought or feeling from you, just an idea.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Symptomatic

#19 Post by SivaRamanathan » 04 Aug 2012, 07:37

Frank
I posted the poem in the Contest thread at 5pm yesterday.I forgot to mention it in this thread.Think I should learn perseverance from you.I will use your edition when I bring out my book.Many thanks.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Symptomatic

#20 Post by FrankDyer » 04 Aug 2012, 14:23

I enjoyed the process, but my wife is jealous that I spend so much time on a poem... and not even my own. Best wishes in the competition. I don't think this poem is ready yet it needs much more work, but it is an exceptional spark and I guess many poets will copy in their own way.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1547
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Symptomatic

#21 Post by Michael (MV) » 05 Aug 2012, 02:41

Siva,

There is still time to make last minute changes to your poem ASAP in the thread at P & N:

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5451

If so, then post in that thread the latest incarnation of the poem as you would like it sent for the finals.

Best Regards,

Michael (MV)

 

 

 

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Symptomatic

#22 Post by SivaRamanathan » 05 Aug 2012, 16:39

Michael
I saw your message only now,and I am travelling.Will reach Chennai tomorrow morning.Will make the necessary changes.But I feel quite comfortable with this,as it is.Thank you both for spending so much time on one single poem and sharing your expertise.
Siva


SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Symptomatic

#24 Post by SivaRamanathan » 14 Aug 2012, 17:13

Yoly
It is what my manuscript is about.It has to become a book of poems.
Thanks.

paylituzu
Posts: 16
Joined: 03 Jul 2017, 11:50

Re: Symptomatic

#25 Post by paylituzu » 03 Jul 2017, 11:52

Symptomatic treatment is any medical therapy of a disease that only affects its symptoms, not its cause, i.e., its etiology. It is usually aimed at reducing the signs ...

goldenslot
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