Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

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johnraftery
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Joined: 05 Jan 2013, 04:48

Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#1 Post by johnraftery » 05 Jan 2013, 05:01

Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

She needs Marigold Petals and Fresh Tangerine on the East wall.
Eggshell. I flinch at the idea of a border - it is not included in my quote.
And she wants a clean white statement on the North wall.
Arctic, Alabaster, Archangel, Albatross... together we read
until the gravity of whites separates me and I am lost.
The cloak on our hill is only three inches deep, inside out
topsoil turned by my father and the countless worms of his fathers.
Black. Spare as the thin earthworm surfacing. Surely its body will break here.
Overstretched in the morning frost.
And he broke in this world of incline. Broke into a psalm on the black hill
under the wheel of a tractor.
There was whitewash on the walls when I told her. Off-white
chimney-smoked and yellow like the clay that taught us not to dig too deep.
And we had a wall where the eyes of Jesus hung
watching Mother's black apron gather her shaking hands.
The milked flour overstretched on the table contracted its damp body and waited,
to breathe. I wash the Tangerine and Marigold from my Purdy brushes
opening beautiful veins of color in the porcelain sink.

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Billy
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Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#2 Post by Billy » 05 Jan 2013, 18:30

Terrific poem. Not sure, but I might leave out "Archangel". I really doubt there is a paint with that name. It may be too contrived for your purposes.

judyt547
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Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#3 Post by judyt547 » 18 Jan 2013, 07:03

agreed this is a beautiful, quiet, complicated poem. You manage to bring together past and present, farming, death, and all those amazing colors. My only real nit in all of this is "wall where the eyes of Jesus hung"; perhaps if you could phrase it a bit differently. The wording implies that just the eyes were on the wall, watching. The more I thiink about it the creepier it gets. Maybe, "where a portrait of Jesus hung, his eyes watching..."

SivaRamanathan
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 23 Jan 2013, 19:27

johnraftery

Edit the 'eyes of Jesus' and voila--here is a poem fit for representing the board.

Siva

SivaRamanathan
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Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#5 Post by SivaRamanathan » 23 Jan 2013, 19:59

Billy

I want to disagree with you.One does not have to be realistic when writing poetry.Why can't we have a paint names Archangel ? Just let loose your imagination.

Siva

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Billy
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Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#6 Post by Billy » 23 Jan 2013, 22:36

Siva, this is the second time you've made a point of specifically posting to me to say you disagree with my crit. Again, I will stop posting here. I gave my opinion. You could have responded in your general crit that you didn't have a problem with it, rather than pointing out that you think I'm wrong in a post just for me. I will not return to this board again.

SivaRamanathan
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Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#7 Post by SivaRamanathan » 24 Jan 2013, 06:32

Billy

I am sorry.I thought we are friends and we can say so between friends.I take back what I said.Please do not leave the board.I value your poetry and your opinion.I did not even know that one has to be so formal on boards.I like your poems,have always liked them and I appreciate your opinion.It is just that I liked the mention of Archangel and paint. I am a simple honest person who has no pretensions to knowledge about poetry.It is only my individual likes and dislikes.
Please do not leave this board.Very few write here and I will feel awful if someone left because of my big mouth.
Let us shake hands and be friends.

Siva

SivaRamanathan
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Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#8 Post by SivaRamanathan » 24 Jan 2013, 21:10

Billy
In our culture, it is not polite to make general statements.Anyway what I said has nothing to do with you, but my opinion of something in a poem which you commented on.Please respond.

Siva

Michael (MV)
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Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#9 Post by Michael (MV) » 26 Jan 2013, 20:56

re:

"And we had a wall where the eyes of Jesus hung
watching Mother's black apron gather her shaking hands."

^^ Although I understand the grammar issue of the above, there is a gothic, noir air,
as in eyes w/out a face


If you choose to edit, here is a w/k shop suggestion:

And we had a wall where Jesus hung,
His eyes watching Mother's black apron gather her shaking hands.


or to play w/ the expression "hanging out"

And we had a wall for Jesus to hang out on
His eyes watching Mother's black apron gather her shaking hands.


And, Yes, I, agree with Siva, that thus far this is one for the short list to represent the board.

As judyt547 phrased: " . . this is a beautiful, quiet, complicated poem."


I'll soon be initiating the end of the monthly thread @ Palaver.

:)

Michael (MV)

 

 
 
 

SivaRamanathan
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#10 Post by SivaRamanathan » 02 Feb 2013, 07:28

Michael
Please nominate this poem.

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Billy
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Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#11 Post by Billy » 02 Feb 2013, 21:05

You're making general statements here all the time. If it was about the poem, then why direct a statement to me specifically. Which you did, also, just recently when I commented on a poem of Michael's. Your answer affirms that you were directing your response directly at me. You could have just said, I like the use of archangel and think poetry does not have to deal with reality. Posting directly to me makes it appear that you want to argue with me and make me wrong rather than just give your opinion.

In workshops, the author is told that their poems will receive critique. He/she may not agree with the critique. He/she takes what they can use according to their judgement--and the author is the last judge. So are you going to personally and directly argue with every critter whose opinion differs from yours? It is in the end the authors judgment of what is useful critique.

Maybe my crit wasn't useful. It was my opinion at the time. My opinion may change. Maybe not.

SivaRamanathan
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#12 Post by SivaRamanathan » 02 Feb 2013, 21:34

Billy

I have sent you a public apology.What more do you want? Let us move on. Please.

Siva

Michael (MV)
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Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#13 Post by Michael (MV) » 03 Feb 2013, 02:03

Hi Siva(et al),

I have already in the thread upcoming IBPC for February 2013 @ Palaver: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5556

Michael (MV)

SivaRamanathan wrote:Michael
Please nominate this poem.

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#14 Post by Woetrame » 12 Feb 2013, 04:27

Oki Doki, my first post, may aswell rip a new hole, aka line by line.



She needs Marigold Petals and Fresh Tangerine on the East wall.
why capitalise everything except 'wall', it's as nouny as everything else here.

Eggshell. I flinch at the idea of a border - it is not included in my quote.
Wow Egshell on it's own as a sentence, that's progressive. Then you flinch at you own abuse, which I appreciate.

And she wants a clean white statement on the North wall.
Please don't start a sentence with "and".
Statement for slate I like
OK we have east, north, where are we going with this?

Arctic, Alabaster, Archangel, Albatross... together we read
we're going to the arctic, whoop! But don't fuck with the albatross unless you mean it.

until the gravity of whites separates me and I am lost.
OK you mean it.

The cloak on our hill is only three inches deep, inside out
A cloak of snow, but what is snow inside out?

topsoil turned by my father and the countless worms of his fathers.
Ah history.Not sure about the repetition of father and fathers, I'd prefer forbearers or something as mixy.

Black. Spare as the thin earthworm surfacing. Surely its body will break here.
That's the second one word sentence you threw at me, and it reeks of drama. Too much drama. Use sparingly.
all earthworms are thin, they all surface whwn it rains, towards which you fail to illude, and what the hell is breaking their bodies? Maybe I will find out if I read on. But should I?

Overstretched in the morning frost.
Cold breaks them? I thought we overturned that, now I'm confused.

And he broke in this world of incline. Broke into a psalm on the black hill
Another sentence beginning with "and". Please stop.
Incline I like here, it shows progression, depression or a rise, depending on how you play it. Except you played it with another fragmented sentence that makes no sense; At least not to me - is this black hill a symbol I should know ofor some concoction of your own?


under the wheel of a tractor.
Hah! I like this, it's the volta to your lofty abandon.

There was whitewash on the walls when I told her. Off-white
"her" brings us back on topic, since "she" was the focus at the start that I kinda lost track of that


chimney-smoked and yellow like the clay that taught us not to dig too deep.
nice


And we had a wall where the eyes of Jesus hung
AND AND AND zomg, zomjesus!

watching Mother's black apron gather her shaking hands.
why is her apron black? I feel like this is significant but I'm more than halfway through the poem and I have no idea. First it was your dad, now your mom. Are you a whiney little bitch or did something traumatic actually happen? Choose one.

The milked flour overstretched on the table contracted its damp body and waited,
milked flour is a great connotation for sperm, suggestive of sexual abuse. This line in itself is a frikking masterpiece if you ignore everything before it and post it on its own.

to breathe. I wash the Tangerine and Marigold from my Purdy brushes
"to breathe"? spoiled! if you want to make someone wait, make them frakking wait. I like that you recall tang. and mari. from the beginning, but I feel like I should have a fuller understanding now and I don't.

opening beautiful veins of color in the porcelain sink.
Poetically beautiful, but as a closer i'm none the wiser.



So - I'd like to say this is my first post and I don't know the etiqette here - If I crossed a line go fuck yourself.
I will say that I'm an amateur, so take anything I said with a pinch of salt. I'm not stupid though, so you might find some merit in at least part of what I said.
Being so new it would be great for me to hear your comments in response, so that I can adapt to how things work around here before I make everyone hate me. More.
(oooh irony)

ryan
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Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#15 Post by ryan » 23 Feb 2013, 01:15

too much telling,
lack of anchoring,
weak language,
poorly conceived arc,
vague-shifting across details,
flat delivery,
over-symbolic words and suggestive tropes strong-arm the poem
I think here's what you could do with this one:


Marigold Petals on the East wall. She needs
on the North wall a clean, white statement

I find that the gravity of white space separates

me from the cloak on our hill which was
three inches of topsoil turned by my father

.................................countless worms surfacing

A body would break here. Overstretched
in the morning frost he broke into psalm
on the black hill under the weight of a tractor

There was whitewash on the walls,
chimney-smoked like the clay that taught
hands not to dig too deep, when I told her

Shaking hands gathred up by her apron.
On the table milked flour lay

spilt. Marigold washed from my brush
opening a river of recall in the porcelain sink




Even with the edits I find much of the narrative undeveloped.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#16 Post by FrankDyer » 11 Mar 2013, 01:58

I read the poem, I understood it. I liked it...it flowed and I continued to prise our meaning and it answered a call in me, Poetry does that. Well, good poetry does. I read a few critiques, i saw some argument. But my comment is this:

Beautiful, beautiful - beautiful. Thank goodness real poets are posting owrk on here...don't leave...please.

paylituzu
Posts: 16
Joined: 03 Jul 2017, 11:50

Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#17 Post by paylituzu » 03 Jul 2017, 11:56

Painting Mrs Roth's Apt. She needs Marigold Petals and Fresh Tangerine on the East wall. Eggshell. I flinch at the idea of a border - it is not ...
goldenslot
GCLUB มือถือ

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Painting Mrs Roth's Apt.

#18 Post by Bernie01 » 04 Jul 2017, 00:07

yes, complicated story telling, and beautifully illustrated. the final line, just wonderful:


I wash the Tangerine and Marigold from my Purdy brushes
opening beautiful veins of color in the porcelain sink.



I second the nomination.


bernie

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