the love terrorist

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Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

the love terrorist

#1 Post by Billy » 17 Mar 2013, 11:01

the love terrorist(revision#2)

I woke up
you were still dreaming
I held you
as closely as I could
without waking you

the next day
you said love
can't last

it's always ready
to destroy itself

I wanted to strap
you to me
end it right there


the love terrorist(revision)

I can stay under water
for only so long

I can fly
in my dreams
now if I could only
fly into yours

I woke up
you were still dreaming
I held you
as closely as I could
without waking you

the next day
you said love
can't last

it's always ready
to destroy itself

I wanted to strap
you to me
end it right there



the love terrorist

she said to me eternity
that's what love is
a long time

without hate
even longer
than the tides going
in and out

all is sand
trickling through
our fingers

I can stay under water
for only so long

I can fly
in my dreams
now if I could only
fly into yours

I woke up
you were still dreaming
I held you
as closely as I could
without waking you

the next day
you said love
can't last

it's always ready
to destroy itself

I wanted to strap you
to me
end it right there

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1617
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: the love terrorist

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 25 Mar 2013, 05:40

Hi Billy.

The Terrorist of Love - I'm hearing Steve Miller's "some call me 'the gangster of love' "


From here down is good poetry writing, and skillfully treatment of the metaphor:

I can stay under water
for only so long

I can fly
in my dreams
now if I could only
fly into yours

I woke up
you were still dreaming
I held you
as closely as I could
without waking you

the next morning
you said love
can't last

it's always ready
to destroy itself

I wanted to strap you
to me
end it right there

^^ good close - fulfilment of the extended metaphor


The 1st 3 stanzas are rather familiar, esp the tides & sand. How needed are they; how much of them?

she said to me
that's what love is
a long time

without hate
even longer

I can stay under water
for only so long


Billy, good to read & workshop your poem

8)

Michael (MV)

 
 
 

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: the love terrorist

#3 Post by Billy » 25 Mar 2013, 09:47

Thanks, Michael, you're so write. The first part of the poem was like priming the pump. It is superfluous and cliche. I've lopped it off.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1617
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: the love terrorist

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 26 Mar 2013, 21:01

Hi Billy,

I need to clarify, please:

given near the close:

"the next morning
you said love
can't last

it's always ready
to destroy itself"


^^ I'm suggesting to retain what she asserts initially(and I have workshop modified the wording):

she said to me
that's what love is
a long time

without war
the peace even longer


^^ this in the course - the next morning - becomes contradicted:


"the next morning
you said love
can't last

it's always ready
to destroy itself"


thus prompting the terrorist of love:

I wanted to strap
you to me
end it right there


Keats' "Grecian Urn" poem is referencing.

Then the lyric: I just died in your arms tonight.

:)

Michael (MV)

 

 







Billy wrote:Thanks, Michael, you're so write. The first part of the poem was like priming the pump. It is superfluous and cliche. I've lopped it off.

Apauthor
Posts: 3
Joined: 28 Mar 2013, 04:51

Re: the love terrorist

#5 Post by Apauthor » 28 Mar 2013, 05:35

Billy,
I enjoyed the revised version because you are able to connect emotionally I also love the metaphor usage.

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: the love terrorist

#6 Post by Woetrame » 29 Mar 2013, 03:01

the love terrorist

she said to me eternity
that's what love is
a long time

love you long time? 5$ cliché

without hate
even longer
than the tides going
in and out

You don't need to tell me tides go in and out; Trust the metaphor to convey the message.

all is sand
trickling through
our fingers

Grammatically I don't like it, and as a metaphor for the passage of time it is an absolute cliché, but if you're not at the publishing stage yet then don't let that bother you.

I can stay under water
for only so long
Again cliché

I can fly
in my dreams
now if I could only
fly into yours

More clichés

I woke up
you were still dreaming
I held you
as closely as I could
without waking you

There's some intimacy here but you could intensify that dramatically with a little insight, such as what was she still dreaming of? By knowing what she's thinking it conveys more of a relationship between you, and could discretely add to the narrative.

the next day
you said love
can't last

A predictable Volta, but the shoe doeth fit.

it's always ready
to destroy itself

I wanted to strap you
to me
end it right there

Ending a poem for me is generally harder than starting one, and ending on an ending as you did here is a witty twist I can imagine you worked at. But, it is not in keeping with the sensetive tones of your earlier work, to the point that it seems more 'out of place' than a slight jolt.

Please feel free to take what I say with a pinch of salt, as I'm more than a little rocky myself.

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