I Learnt A Language
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
I Learnt A Language
edited
I daubed my face with Ponds
pushed my German specs up the nose
dusted my plain skirt and tops,
and ventured into the world
with a few words.
‘Drumstick, lady's finger,
all that's water under the bridge;
don't try to pull my legs.’
Now I gawk at youngsters
they ‘chill out, or cool it.’
‘Freeze’ is another such ' in ' word;
though I rev in their lines
overpowered by a kick start
I falter waiting to hear
fresh young- blood voices;
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I am cautious
of making a faux- pas.
Mostly fending for myself
I daubed my face with Ponds
nudged a German pair up my nose
dusted my plain skirt and tops, and
ventured into the world
with a few words.
Drumstick, lady's finger,
all that's water under the bridge;
don't try to pull my legs.
Now I gawk at youngsters
they ‘chill out, or cool it.’
‘Freeze’ is another such' in ' word;
though I revve in their lines
overpowered by a kick start
I falter waiting to hear
fresh young- blood voices;
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I am cautious
of making a faux- pas.
I daubed my face with Ponds
pushed my German specs up the nose
dusted my plain skirt and tops,
and ventured into the world
with a few words.
‘Drumstick, lady's finger,
all that's water under the bridge;
don't try to pull my legs.’
Now I gawk at youngsters
they ‘chill out, or cool it.’
‘Freeze’ is another such ' in ' word;
though I rev in their lines
overpowered by a kick start
I falter waiting to hear
fresh young- blood voices;
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I am cautious
of making a faux- pas.
Mostly fending for myself
I daubed my face with Ponds
nudged a German pair up my nose
dusted my plain skirt and tops, and
ventured into the world
with a few words.
Drumstick, lady's finger,
all that's water under the bridge;
don't try to pull my legs.
Now I gawk at youngsters
they ‘chill out, or cool it.’
‘Freeze’ is another such' in ' word;
though I revve in their lines
overpowered by a kick start
I falter waiting to hear
fresh young- blood voices;
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I am cautious
of making a faux- pas.
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- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: I Learnt A Language
Siva,
upon a 1st read: Language as an indicator of the generation gap.
I like the closing, esp "of making a faux-pas": however, I don't feel the right word is "scared"
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I am cautious
of making a faux-pas.
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I hesitate,
cautious of making a faux-pas.
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I hesitate,
to prevent a possible faux-pas.
^^ precaution/prevention
Michael (MV)
upon a 1st read: Language as an indicator of the generation gap.
I like the closing, esp "of making a faux-pas": however, I don't feel the right word is "scared"
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I am cautious
of making a faux-pas.
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I hesitate,
cautious of making a faux-pas.
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I hesitate,
to prevent a possible faux-pas.
^^ precaution/prevention
Michael (MV)
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: I Learnt A Language
MV
Thanks Michael. I shall edit it tomorrow.
S
Thanks Michael. I shall edit it tomorrow.
S
Re: I Learnt A Language
Siva, I think you are playing with the language witin the poem itself, correct? Or are words like "revve" a mistake? I would eliminate the first line of the poem. A generational poem.
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: I Learnt A Language
Billy
Which is the first line?
S
Which is the first line?
S
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: I Learnt A Language
Billy
Is "revve" something to do with a mo-bike?
S
Is "revve" something to do with a mo-bike?
S
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- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: I Learnt A Language
Billy
Is "revve" something to do with a mo-bike?
S
Is "revve" something to do with a mo-bike?
S
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- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: I Learnt A Language
Hi Siva,
by "revve" maybe you are referring to "rev" as in "rev up" - short for "revolution,"
and meaning "to accelerate sharply the speed of an engine."
Here I think quotation marks are called for:
Now I gawk at youngsters
they "chill out, or cool it."
"Freeze" is another such "in" word;
in the spirit of workshopping
Michael (MV)
by "revve" maybe you are referring to "rev" as in "rev up" - short for "revolution,"
and meaning "to accelerate sharply the speed of an engine."
Here I think quotation marks are called for:
Now I gawk at youngsters
they "chill out, or cool it."
"Freeze" is another such "in" word;
in the spirit of workshopping
Michael (MV)
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: I Learnt A Language
M.V
Thanks.
Billy
Mostly fending for myself
I daubed my face with Ponds
I was not confident, so I daubed myself with powder,and pushed my spectacles up my nose.
This line is not necessary?
Mostly fending for myself
S
Thanks.
Billy
Mostly fending for myself
I daubed my face with Ponds
I was not confident, so I daubed myself with powder,and pushed my spectacles up my nose.
This line is not necessary?
Mostly fending for myself
S
Re: I Learnt A Language
Siva, my suggestion is to eliminate "mostly fending for myself"
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- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: I Learnt A Language
Hi Siva,
to avoid "up my nose"
pushed my German specs up on my nose.
Michael (MV)
to avoid "up my nose"
pushed my German specs up on my nose.
Michael (MV)
Re: I Learnt A Language
Yeah, I thought German pair was a pair of scissors, but that's because I'm getting old and have to cut my nose hairs. LOL
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- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: I Learnt A Language
Hi Siva,
With today's reading & workshopping, I'm hearing "semantics" - and that might make for a title.
"semantics" or "syntax & semantics"
I daubed my face with Ponds
pushed German specs up on my nose
dusted my plain skirt and tops,
and ventured into the world
with a few words:
Drumstick, ladyfinger,
all that's water under the bridge;
don't try to pull my legs.
Now I gawk at youngsters
they chill out, or cool it.
Freeze is another such in word.
Though I rev in their lines
overpowered by a kick start
I falter waiting to hear
young-blood voices.
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I practice caution
to avoid making a faux-pas.
^^ "practice caution" is an older generation/formal phrase.
Michael (MV)
With today's reading & workshopping, I'm hearing "semantics" - and that might make for a title.
"semantics" or "syntax & semantics"
I daubed my face with Ponds
pushed German specs up on my nose
dusted my plain skirt and tops,
and ventured into the world
with a few words:
Drumstick, ladyfinger,
all that's water under the bridge;
don't try to pull my legs.
Now I gawk at youngsters
they chill out, or cool it.
Freeze is another such in word.
Though I rev in their lines
overpowered by a kick start
I falter waiting to hear
young-blood voices.
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I practice caution
to avoid making a faux-pas.
^^ "practice caution" is an older generation/formal phrase.
Michael (MV)
SivaRamanathan wrote:edited
I daubed my face with Ponds
pushed my German specs up the nose
dusted my plain skirt and tops,
and ventured into the world
with a few words.
‘Drumstick, lady's finger,
all that's water under the bridge;
don't try to pull my legs.’
Now I gawk at youngsters
they ‘chill out, or cool it.’
‘Freeze’ is another such ' in ' word;
though I rev in their lines
overpowered by a kick start
I falter waiting to hear
fresh young- blood voices;
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I am cautious
of making a faux- pas.
Mostly fending for myself
I daubed my face with Ponds
nudged a German pair up my nose
dusted my plain skirt and tops, and
ventured into the world
with a few words.
Drumstick, lady's finger,
all that's water under the bridge;
don't try to pull my legs.
Now I gawk at youngsters
they ‘chill out, or cool it.’
‘Freeze’ is another such' in ' word;
though I revve in their lines
overpowered by a kick start
I falter waiting to hear
fresh young- blood voices;
I could help untangle the confusion
of their thoughts, but I am cautious
of making a faux- pas.
-
- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: I Learnt A Language
Hi Michael
Thank you for workshop-ping. I visit this block at least three times daily.I do not comment on all the poems because I don't get some of them due to cultural differences. But I read all the poems several times.
S
Thank you for workshop-ping. I visit this block at least three times daily.I do not comment on all the poems because I don't get some of them due to cultural differences. But I read all the poems several times.
S