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A dazzling sun strikes the shading awning
a circle of wheels flow fast
around our corner
clattering bells and peddled steps
cast white frivolities high
for us to stare

We stir sweet coffee grounds
and scrape the cup
morosely ponder
such feminine delights
barred by the native tongue

Professor Ditmars condemns
Gronings as a gutteral mongrel tal
His daughter peeks in
weighing up the talent
sweet an' thin

a city in the NE Netherlands


maybe w/out "shading":

"A dazzling sun strikes the awning"


"morosely ponder" - that sounds gloomy, not comfort & joy

^^ is that phrasing meant to be ironic?




Michael (MV)

 

 

 

I can mean whatever you think it means. Thanks for input, there is a story there and I can see why it may sound ironic, there is a reason for morosely ponders.

Hi Frank,


"there is a story there" prompts me to workshop suggest that maybe this needs to be fleshed out;

and then "a reason for morosely ponders" might become apparent.




Michael (MV)

FrankDyer wrote:I can mean whatever you think it means. Thanks for input, there is a story there and I can see why it may sound ironic, there is a reason for morosely ponders.

 
 
 
 
 

Thanks Michael, good idea, this last line could be a reason?

were you a sailor Frank? i seem to remember you saying that. But Groningen isnt on the sea is it? anyway, a foreigner eyeing the women riding by. As michael suggests this needs more story.

I have added a third stanza to satisfy this insatiable demand for a story. At least, poets are reading and commenting.

Hi Frank,

Love the universal language (tongue)

^^ when that is "barred," then "morose."

^^ my reading by way of the addition of this line:

"barred by the native tongue"

^^ strategic play on "tongue"

But then isn't dialect a metaphor here? "Dialect" a division.

Where the streets have no names - where the tongues have no dialects

^^ no forks in the road - no forked tongues

Sometimes "dialect" connotes substandard; here in these 2 added lines:

"Professor Ditmars condemns
Gronings as a gutteral mongrel tal"

Then, the final 3 in that added stanza remind me of the farmer's daughter;

^^ recalling to me a Chaucerian tale from olde English.



Frank, the Block needs another poem to represent in this IBPC.; perhaps Groningen.

Please reply asap:

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5709

^^ if accepting, please also provide all the needed info.


Thanks, Frank.


The current incarnation is more fleshed-out with color & character.

Saxonized




Michael (MV)

 






 

 
 
 

 

 

Frank
I second Michael's suggestion.Let this poem of your go.It has a certain mystery that makes one go back to it.And it is well crafted.Almost minimalistic, much different from your usual work.
Siva

Frank
Please don't delay posting your poem in the IBPC thread.
Siva

Thanks Michael
One of the best critiques I have ever read let alone from you... well done. It has taken me years to convert from my traditional style and frankly has puzzled me for years. I wrote this poem in plain language years ago and it go not response whatsoever. I thank you for helping me to flash out a bit more, or is that flesh out. I don't feel it is complete yet, but am content for it to be put forward, but again have no idea what you are talking about as regards further information. maybe you could help me do that, I really have no idea how to put a poem forward.

Regarding Saxonisation, the Gronings people were one of the terrors of the British in around 600 AD, There is a word for the rear-end (bottom) which is kont, with obvious connections, but used quite inoccently by these Northern Europeans.

regards

Frank

Hi Frank,

The deadline was the 6th.


Thanks for your appreciation of my critique; and, that it was of service.




Michael (MV)
 

 

 

A dazzling sun strikes the shading awning



one gerund, but three in the first sentence?g



a circle of wheels flow fast
around our corner



wheels....ah, circling....



clattering bells and peddled steps
cast white frivolities high
for us to stare


what are peddled steps?


We stir sweet coffee grounds
and scrape the cup
morosely ponder
such feminine delights
barred by the native tongue



huh?



Professor Ditmars condemns
Gronings as a gutteral mongrel tal
His daughter peeks in
weighing up the talent
sweet an' thin

does this guy condemn anything else....like republicans, or savagery....?





bernie



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