The shy child thought he should be a man

[Billy]

The shy child thought he should be a man

He's alone. Light passes over him.
Another day changes nothing.
Morning crawls out of night,
leaves a trail of blood.

The child draws army men
on paper, walls, arms, legs,
in margins, between lines.

Where can a man be found?
Stories told by old men
change nothing in the child.
Dying starts a legend.





The shy child thought he should be a man

He's alone; the light passes over him.
Another day changes nothing.
The morning crawls out of the night
leaving a trail of blood.

The child draws army men
on paper, walls, arms, legs,
inside books,
in margins, between lines.

Is this where a man can be found?
These stories told by men
that change nothing in the child.
Death starts a legend.

[Michael (MV)]

Hi Billy,


"The morning crawls out of the night
leaving a trail of blood."

^^ strong


"inside books" - not needed; implied by "in margins, between lines."

The child draws army men
on paper, walls, arms, legs,
in margins, between lines.

^^ esp here, and given the title, too, I hear Pearl Jam's "Jeremy"


"the" instead of "a," and:

Is this where the man is to be found?     maybe as: Where is the man to be found?
Stories told by men
change nothing in the child.     - like how this line reads singly: "change nothing in the child."   (see poem below)
Death starts a legend.

^^ I read/hear a double on "stories"

Strong closing. I respect the "start" : Legends live. I would write "Dying" instead of "Death."


Billy, would you like to represent the Block this IBPC with this poem? Please accept or decline @ Palaver in the thread Upcoming October IBPC 2013:

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5739

If accepting, please provide all the needed details/info.

Thanks




Michael (MV)



"My Heart Leaps Up"    by William Wordsworth

My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!
The Child is father of the Man;
I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[Billy]

Thanks, Michael, I will use your suggestions. I wrote this in the box, so it needs revision.

[Michael (MV)]

Hi Billy,

still as a workshop suggestion:

Where is the man to be found?

or

How is the man to be found?

or

Is the man to be found?



And, maybe a more specific word, for example, "forefathers," for "men."





Michael (MV)

Thanks, Michael, I will use your suggestions. I wrote this in the box, so it needs revision.

 
 
 

[LarryMorales]

Superb lyrics..It is simple but meaningful. I am super happy. Expecting more beautiful creative works from you.