Shark
Pacing within an empty room,
no one to tell my woes.
They distrust me,
think that I have it all.
This gnawing
that they run from
consumes me night and day
like the addict's needle.
It is a lonely profession
roaming the depths and shallows
looking for the unaware,
those who thrash in vain,
who know the day will come
when shadows grow teeth.
Shark
Re: Shark
Hmm. Interesting poem. I like the notion of "profession". And the last line is a good one.
I am not sure about the simile "like an addict's needle." Not sure it adds anything that isn't already in the poem. Or perhaps "addict's need" would allow the poem to address something a bit more universal while keeping the assonance you seem to be going for with "teeth" in the last line. On that, I wish that the word "needle" (or "need") were closer to the final line so that "teeth" popped a bit more. By the time we get to it, the assonance loses some punch.
Nice poem.
Terry O.
I am not sure about the simile "like an addict's needle." Not sure it adds anything that isn't already in the poem. Or perhaps "addict's need" would allow the poem to address something a bit more universal while keeping the assonance you seem to be going for with "teeth" in the last line. On that, I wish that the word "needle" (or "need") were closer to the final line so that "teeth" popped a bit more. By the time we get to it, the assonance loses some punch.
Nice poem.
Terry O.
Billy wrote:Shark
Pacing within an empty room,
no one to tell my woes.
They distrust me,
think that I have it all.
This gnawing
that they run from
consumes me night and day
like the addict's needle.
It is a lonely profession
roaming the depths and shallows
looking for the unaware,
those who thrash in vain,
who know the day will come
when shadows grow teeth.
-
FrankFrank
- Posts: 17
- Joined: 07 Nov 2014, 01:25
Re: Shark
A picture of bi-polar?
But then, because of the shark title, it could be about a shark in an ocean.
Pacing within an empty room, [pacing in my empty room?]
no one to tell my woes. [no one to listen] next line [to my woes]
They distrust me, [distrust all around me]
think that I have it all.
This gnawing
that they run from
consumes me night and day
like the addict's needle. [not keen on the adicts needle, its not the needle its the drugs inside]
It is a lonely profession
roaming the depths and shallows
looking for the unaware,
those who thrash in vain, [yes, now I see it is a shark, preying on the dying and the injured]
who know the day will come
when shadows grow teeth. [the day will come when i will be thrashing and dying, very true for us all]
But then, because of the shark title, it could be about a shark in an ocean.
Pacing within an empty room, [pacing in my empty room?]
no one to tell my woes. [no one to listen] next line [to my woes]
They distrust me, [distrust all around me]
think that I have it all.
This gnawing
that they run from
consumes me night and day
like the addict's needle. [not keen on the adicts needle, its not the needle its the drugs inside]
It is a lonely profession
roaming the depths and shallows
looking for the unaware,
those who thrash in vain, [yes, now I see it is a shark, preying on the dying and the injured]
who know the day will come
when shadows grow teeth. [the day will come when i will be thrashing and dying, very true for us all]
Re: Shark
As to the addict's needle, I was thinking of the needle as a tooth or teeth, and it first draws out blood then pushes back the drug. But probably "need" would be better.
Frank, the reader can decide if it's about a shark or a human or something else.
Frank, the reader can decide if it's about a shark or a human or something else.