Mythos revision 2
A black snake glides
and twists between
my fingers as through
A labyrinth.
It hisses--the moan
of the moon.
In its eyes stars
carve a home.
Cupped, my hands
are clouds.
I open them, rain
and all my desires.
Mythos revision
A black snake glides
Through my fingers, twisting
Round them as if they are
A labyrinth.
It hisses--a spacious sound in my ears.
The moan of the moon.
In my eyes stars
carve a home away from home.
Cupped, my hands are clouds.
When I open them, out falls the rain
And all my desires.
Mythos
A black snake gliding slowly
Through my fingers, twisting
Round them as if they are
A labyrinth.
It hisses a spacious sound in my ears.
The moan of the moon.
In my eyes stars
carve a home away from home.
Cupped, my hands are clouds.
When I open them, out falls the rain
And all my desires.
Mythos
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FrankFrank
- Posts: 17
- Joined: 07 Nov 2014, 01:25
Re: Mythos
A black snake gliding slowly
[looking at redundancies... is black necessary? and 'slowly' A snake now what verb to use to describe the motion through my fingers? Is gliding correct, well the dictionary say this :to move smoothly and continuously along, as if without effort or resistance, as a flying bird, a boat, or a skater. -so it is a good word but now 'slowly is surely redundant?]
Through my fingers, twisting [prefer direct speech such as: Twisting through the labyrinth of my open fingers]
Round them as if they are
A labyrinth.
It hisses a spacious sound in my ears.
The moan of the moon.
In my eyes stars
carve a home away from home.
Cupped, my hands are clouds.
When I open them, out falls the rain
And all my desires.
and like many of your poems . that's all I can say at this moment until illumination dawns.
[looking at redundancies... is black necessary? and 'slowly' A snake now what verb to use to describe the motion through my fingers? Is gliding correct, well the dictionary say this :to move smoothly and continuously along, as if without effort or resistance, as a flying bird, a boat, or a skater. -so it is a good word but now 'slowly is surely redundant?]
Through my fingers, twisting [prefer direct speech such as: Twisting through the labyrinth of my open fingers]
Round them as if they are
A labyrinth.
It hisses a spacious sound in my ears.
The moan of the moon.
In my eyes stars
carve a home away from home.
Cupped, my hands are clouds.
When I open them, out falls the rain
And all my desires.
and like many of your poems . that's all I can say at this moment until illumination dawns.
Re: Mythos
Thanks, Frank, you made some good points. Will revise accordingly. Got to go to work now.
Re: Mythos
Billy,
interesting poem. I like the moan of the moon. That stanza has some interesting music. There are other places where things kind of stall or go lax.
I wonder if the first stanza would read better something like this:
A black snake glides and twists
Between my fingers
As through
A labyrinth.
....
The end also seems a bit flat due to the weak "out falls." How about something like--
Cupped, my hands are clouds.
Open, they drop my rain,
They rain my desire.
Terry O.
interesting poem. I like the moan of the moon. That stanza has some interesting music. There are other places where things kind of stall or go lax.
I wonder if the first stanza would read better something like this:
A black snake glides and twists
Between my fingers
As through
A labyrinth.
....
The end also seems a bit flat due to the weak "out falls." How about something like--
Cupped, my hands are clouds.
Open, they drop my rain,
They rain my desire.
Terry O.