Revised Version:
(Michael, if you like this poem feel free to edit or otherwise amend. I trust your judgment. the former poem of yours i remember and liked very much at the time.....bernie)
Birds of some kind
circle on updrafts
holding wings
like ice skaters
on a winter pond,
there must be
something
wrong with them.
They fluoresce,
turn blue with cold.
below a corn
laden barge creeps
on the flaxen river.
God opens the robe
of my sweetheart
and ladles on colors:
morning amethyst,
goldenrod, moonstone;
rain bursts across
the brick street and idle
traffic light, rain falls on
tufts of half-buried
vegetable tops,
sodden birds look in
sullen and off key.
She is gone, emerald
recital gown limp
on a chair, empty rostrum
an unfolding silent movie.
.
I speak in tongues,
a badly written page, verses
poorly translated into English,
my violin stiff and unheated
by our rondo duet.
Original:
God ladles designer colors
before me like a dropped robe;
morning amethyst, sapphire,
emerald green, moonstone
of rhododendron and goldenrod;
tufts of buried vegetable tops,
I fluoresce;
I am a badly written page
texting on a modest hillside
opposite chalk abutments.
below, a corn laden barge
creeps on the flaxen river.
Angels toss out a bird or two,
I share Pinot Noir in winter,
offer a dry Riesling in summer.
I play alone, your evening gown
aside, bare shoulders fled into
a long night, the violin stiff
and unheated by our rondo duet.
Bare Shoulders and Violin
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- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Bare Shoulders and Violin
Hi mojave,
I have been reading this
and I hope to comment
elaborabe later
soon
bernie,
Please consider representing the Block in this upcoming October IBPC , if of course you don't already have a poem committed to represent for another board.
Thanks
Michael (MV)
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- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Bare Shoulders and Violin
I fluoresce
therefore I am
mojave,
I like the synecdochic title
also I like "tufts of buried vegetable tops"
^^ except maybe more precise depiction as
the tufted tops of buried vegetables
"creeps on the flaxen river." -- effective synesthesia - tactile texture to water
and esp that canvas image - the instrument stiff & unheated - a Vanitas still life
recalls to me a poem I wrote circa a year ago: http://ibpc.webdelsol.com/poems/disrobing-the-ghost
Workshop illustrated below for your perusal & consideration Michael (MV)
God drops the robe
and ladles designer colors:
morning amethyst, sapphire,
emerald green, moonstone
of rhododendron and goldenrod;
the tufted tops of buried vegetables.
I fluoresce;
I am a badly written page
texting on a modest hillside
opposite chalk abutments.
Below, a corn laden barge
creeps on the flaxen river.
Angels toss out a bird or two,
I share Pinot Noir in winter,
offer a dry Riesling in summer.
I play alone, your evening gown
aside, bare shoulders fled a long
night ago, the violin stiff
and unheated by our rondo rendez-vous.
Re: Bare Shoulders and Violin
Bernie, I like the re write better. The original baffled me in a bad way. It had nice images but no narrative that I could sink my teeth into. The new version ties it all together.
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- Posts: 74
- Joined: 21 Jan 2015, 18:43
Re: Bare Shoulders and Violin
Bernie, I take Michael's invitation to bash and moider as meant for me too?
I am unsure about first three stanzas, stanza 4 is brilliant, absolutely, love it. I see the barges froma Concor POV, looking down at the river, the connection with the Condor and the barges brilliant.
Birds of some kind [Condors soar on updrafts]
circle on updrafts
holding wings
like ice skaters
on a winter pond.
there must be
something
wrong with them.
They fluoresce,
turn blue with cold. [lloking down at the valley gorge] [cut all the rest, doesn;t help poem at all]
below a corn
laden barge creeps
on the flaxen river.
God opens the robe
of my sweetheart
and ladles on colors:
morning amethyst,
goldenrod, moonstone;
rain bursts across
the brick street and idle [brick clad streets]
traffic light, rain over
tufts of half-buried
vegetable tops,
sodden birds look in [strike 'in'] or 'sullen birds, offkey and sodden]
sullen and off key.
But she is gone now. [strike 'but']
emerald recital gown limp
on a chair, empty rostrum,
desultory silence. [not sure about desultory]
I speak in tongues,
a badly written page, verses
poorly translated into English,
my violin stiff and unheated
by our rondo duet.
I had doubts about rondo, but after watching this I relent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZI2bX-E0WY
PLEASE ADMINS SHOW ME HOW TO CHANGE MY PASSWORD, THIS ONE IS KILLING ME. pl e a seeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeEEE
I am unsure about first three stanzas, stanza 4 is brilliant, absolutely, love it. I see the barges froma Concor POV, looking down at the river, the connection with the Condor and the barges brilliant.
Birds of some kind [Condors soar on updrafts]
circle on updrafts
holding wings
like ice skaters
on a winter pond.
there must be
something
wrong with them.
They fluoresce,
turn blue with cold. [lloking down at the valley gorge] [cut all the rest, doesn;t help poem at all]
below a corn
laden barge creeps
on the flaxen river.
God opens the robe
of my sweetheart
and ladles on colors:
morning amethyst,
goldenrod, moonstone;
rain bursts across
the brick street and idle [brick clad streets]
traffic light, rain over
tufts of half-buried
vegetable tops,
sodden birds look in [strike 'in'] or 'sullen birds, offkey and sodden]
sullen and off key.
But she is gone now. [strike 'but']
emerald recital gown limp
on a chair, empty rostrum,
desultory silence. [not sure about desultory]
I speak in tongues,
a badly written page, verses
poorly translated into English,
my violin stiff and unheated
by our rondo duet.
I had doubts about rondo, but after watching this I relent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZI2bX-E0WY
PLEASE ADMINS SHOW ME HOW TO CHANGE MY PASSWORD, THIS ONE IS KILLING ME. pl e a seeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeEEE
Re: Bare Shoulders and Violin
Billy and Frank---
good to have our club meeting here, for a change.
Birds of some kind
circle on updrafts
holding wings
like ice skaters
on a winter pond.
A corn laden barge
creeps the flaxen river.
a radio plays music
and offers the news.
will see what to do.
thanks all.
bernie
good to have our club meeting here, for a change.
Birds of some kind
circle on updrafts
holding wings
like ice skaters
on a winter pond.
A corn laden barge
creeps the flaxen river.
a radio plays music
and offers the news.
will see what to do.
thanks all.
bernie