Bare Shoulders and Violin

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Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Bare Shoulders and Violin

#1 Post by Bernie01 » 19 Sep 2015, 08:21

Revised Version:

(Michael, if you like this poem feel free to edit or otherwise amend. I trust your judgment. the former poem of yours i remember and liked very much at the time.....bernie)


Birds of some kind
circle on updrafts
holding wings
like ice skaters
on a winter pond,

there must be
something
wrong with them.

They fluoresce,
turn blue with cold.

below a corn
laden barge creeps
on the flaxen river.

God opens the robe
of my sweetheart
and ladles on colors:
morning amethyst,
goldenrod, moonstone;

rain bursts across
the brick street and idle
traffic light, rain falls on
tufts of half-buried
vegetable tops,

sodden birds look in
sullen and off key.

She is gone, emerald
recital gown limp
on a chair, empty rostrum
an unfolding silent movie.
.

I speak in tongues,
a badly written page, verses
poorly translated into English,

my violin stiff and unheated
by our rondo duet.












Original:

God ladles designer colors

before me like a dropped robe;

morning amethyst, sapphire,

emerald green, moonstone

of rhododendron and goldenrod;

tufts of buried vegetable tops,


I fluoresce;

I am a badly written page

texting on a modest hillside

opposite chalk abutments.


below, a corn laden barge

creeps on the flaxen river.


Angels toss out a bird or two,

I share Pinot Noir in winter,

offer a dry Riesling in summer.


I play alone, your evening gown

aside, bare shoulders fled into

a long night, the violin stiff

and unheated by our rondo duet.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Bare Shoulders and Violin

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 24 Sep 2015, 21:35

 
Hi mojave,

I have been reading this

and I hope to comment

elaborabe later

soon


bernie,

Please consider representing the Block in this upcoming October IBPC , if of course you don't already have a poem committed to represent for another board.

Thanks


8)

Michael (MV)



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Bare Shoulders and Violin

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 28 Sep 2015, 00:09

 
I fluoresce
therefore I am   :)


mojave,

I like the synecdochic title


also I like "tufts of buried vegetable tops"

^^ except maybe more precise depiction as

the tufted tops of buried vegetables


"creeps on the flaxen river." -- effective synesthesia - tactile texture to water



and esp that canvas image - the instrument stiff & unheated - a Vanitas still life

recalls to me a poem I wrote circa a year ago: http://ibpc.webdelsol.com/poems/disrobing-the-ghost


Workshop illustrated below for your perusal & consideration   8)   Michael (MV)


God drops the robe
and ladles designer colors:
morning amethyst, sapphire,
emerald green, moonstone
of rhododendron and goldenrod;
the tufted tops of buried vegetables.  

I fluoresce;
I am a badly written page
texting on a modest hillside
opposite chalk abutments.

Below, a corn laden barge
creeps on the flaxen river.  

Angels toss out a bird or two,
I share Pinot Noir in winter,
offer a dry Riesling in summer.

I play alone, your evening gown
aside, bare shoulders fled a long
night ago, the violin stiff
and unheated by our rondo rendez-vous.


 

 
 
 
 
 

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Bare Shoulders and Violin

#4 Post by Billy » 29 Sep 2015, 05:01

Bernie, I like the re write better. The original baffled me in a bad way. It had nice images but no narrative that I could sink my teeth into. The new version ties it all together.

FrankThird
Posts: 74
Joined: 21 Jan 2015, 18:43

Re: Bare Shoulders and Violin

#5 Post by FrankThird » 03 Oct 2015, 01:33

Bernie, I take Michael's invitation to bash and moider as meant for me too?

I am unsure about first three stanzas, stanza 4 is brilliant, absolutely, love it. I see the barges froma Concor POV, looking down at the river, the connection with the Condor and the barges brilliant.

Birds of some kind [Condors soar on updrafts]
circle on updrafts
holding wings
like ice skaters
on a winter pond.

there must be
something
wrong with them.

They fluoresce,
turn blue with cold. [lloking down at the valley gorge] [cut all the rest, doesn;t help poem at all]

below a corn
laden barge creeps
on the flaxen river.

God opens the robe
of my sweetheart
and ladles on colors:
morning amethyst,
goldenrod, moonstone;

rain bursts across
the brick street and idle [brick clad streets]
traffic light, rain over
tufts of half-buried
vegetable tops,

sodden birds look in [strike 'in'] or 'sullen birds, offkey and sodden]
sullen and off key.

But she is gone now. [strike 'but']
emerald recital gown limp
on a chair, empty rostrum,
desultory silence. [not sure about desultory]

I speak in tongues,
a badly written page, verses
poorly translated into English,

my violin stiff and unheated
by our rondo duet.

I had doubts about rondo, but after watching this I relent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZI2bX-E0WY

PLEASE ADMINS SHOW ME HOW TO CHANGE MY PASSWORD, THIS ONE IS KILLING ME. pl e a seeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeEEE

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Bare Shoulders and Violin

#6 Post by Bernie01 » 04 Oct 2015, 10:44

Billy and Frank---

good to have our club meeting here, for a change.


Birds of some kind
circle on updrafts
holding wings
like ice skaters
on a winter pond.

A corn laden barge
creeps the flaxen river.
a radio plays music
and offers the news.



will see what to do.


thanks all.


bernie

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