Wild yellow daisies

[Billy]

Thanks, Siva, I had it like this in the beginnig, should have left it alone. These poems I've been writing lately are just priming the pump. They're not fully developed poems, not very good. I've had a hard time writing for the last couple of weeks, that's why I stopped the 30/30 over at the Waters.

wild yellow daisies

daydream in passing clouds
sway in the breeze

children swing
lean back into innocence

thrust their toes
into the sky

dreaming
they reach higher and higher

kick the yellow ball
into summer's net forever and ever



wild yellow daisies(revision)

daydream
in passing clouds
sway in the breeze
children swing
lean back
into innocence
thrust their toes
in the sky
dreaming
they reach
higher and higher
kick the yellow ball
into summer's net
forever and ever




Wild yellow daisies


daydream

in passing clouds

sway


in the breeze.

Children swing

lean back


into innocence

thrust their toes

in the sky.


Dreaming

they reach higher

and higher


kick the yellow ball

into summer's net

forever and ever.

[Bernie01]

Billy:



i like this....would see if the children can be more involved....coats flap open, caps blow sideways...


their voices tangle together....dreams...rise ....

but a very nice feel to this poem...a drowsy, dream like mood.



bernie

[Jesse]

This a nice and simple poem. Keep it up.

[SivaRamanathan]

Will it work better without the full stops and capitals?

[SivaRamanathan]

wild yellow daisies


daydream
in passing clouds
sway
in the breeze
children swing
lean back
into innocence
thrust their toes
in the sky
dreaming
they reach higher
and higher
kick the yellow ball
into summer's net
forever and ever.

[Bernie01]

B---

I like Siva's suggested version.



bernie