Edit 1
Hovering on street corners,
exchanging knowing smiles;
a titbit; a crumb.
'What's the news?'
"No never? Did he really?'
Sifting through the debris
of fallen lives, imperfect people.
He's not one of us.
'A paedophile.'
"How do you know?"
'Well, doesn't he look shifty,
you know; odd?'
Ieuan knows the man, shifty? yes.
Odd? definitely, but perverted?
No, never. The man is a saint,
one of life's innocents.
The harm is done, the lie is told,
leads to blood. Before he can be
exonerated, cancer claims him.
His wife, unaware, grieves stoically.
Refuse to lift an eyebrow,
sharper than any knife.
Speak no evil,
refuse the lie,
embrace all men;
they too may be sons of God.
Did you Hear
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- Posts: 1983
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Did you Hear
This has good potential. It needs to be made more dramatic, and it can be--by trimming and tightening. Remove the 'telling' pieces, as in the next to last stanza. This line is gorgeous: the eyebrow, <more> sharper than any knife. I like the wife, unaware, grieving stoically.
I have made a quick stab at trimming...just to give an idea. But my draft comes to an end too abruptly. It needs to be expanded on a bit, probably after the phrase 'could lead to blood', but with an image.
They hover on street corners,
exchange knowing smiles;
No never?' Did he really?'
'A pedophile?'
'How do you know?'
'Well, doesn't he look shifty,
you know; odd.'
Ieuan knows the man, shifty? yes.
Odd? definitely, but perverted?
No, never. The man is one
of life's innocents.
The harm done, the tale circulates
and could lead to blood. Before he is exonerated,
cancer claims him. His wife
unaware, grieves stoically.
Embrace--all men are loved of God.
When told of something unpleasant, refuse to lift
the eyebrow, sharper than any knife.
I have made a quick stab at trimming...just to give an idea. But my draft comes to an end too abruptly. It needs to be expanded on a bit, probably after the phrase 'could lead to blood', but with an image.
They hover on street corners,
exchange knowing smiles;
No never?' Did he really?'
'A pedophile?'
'How do you know?'
'Well, doesn't he look shifty,
you know; odd.'
Ieuan knows the man, shifty? yes.
Odd? definitely, but perverted?
No, never. The man is one
of life's innocents.
The harm done, the tale circulates
and could lead to blood. Before he is exonerated,
cancer claims him. His wife
unaware, grieves stoically.
Embrace--all men are loved of God.
When told of something unpleasant, refuse to lift
the eyebrow, sharper than any knife.
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- Posts: 1983
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Did you Hear
It's early here
Thank you.
Thank you.
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Did you Hear
LOL....Lecturing? No, I have too many of my own problems to lecture others! After 'life's innocents', you could consider adding another stanza or two of confrontation...ratchet up the drama...Americans like me love confrontation in our drama...just a thought.
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- Posts: 1983
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Did you Hear
Thanks for feedback.
Best wishes
Best wishes