Trunk Call removed for subbmission

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Trunk Call removed for subbmission

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 31 Jul 2016, 12:03

Removed for submission

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Hiraeth Moment in Old Bombay

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 31 Jul 2016, 19:25

Frank
Good one this.
'the exquisiteness of Shamshad Begum,' brought a smile.

Not much help in workshop ideas.

Siva

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Hiraeth Moment in Old Bombay

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 02 Aug 2016, 04:47

 
Hi Frank,


Perhaps Hiraeth is enough for the title, since the moment in Old Bombay is in the poem.

should "condapana" be condapanna; and a minor workshop variation for the opening:

A warm wind washes the forecourt,
condapanna palms sway like lithe
dresses on a line in Old Bombay.


I like, I relate:

"I take the call, her voice sweetens
my day from a million miles away."


workshop share for the final:

Soft voices percolate down the line
from the TV, thousands sing the
songs of my youth, competing
with her tender voice.

I become overwhelmed
by the longing for home.

 

8)

Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Hiraeth

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 02 Aug 2016, 11:58

Thanks Michael, I have taken up some of your suggestions.


Thanks to Siva for her comment and to Bob and Meena for the nomination.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Trunk Call

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 10 Jul 2018, 23:50

Rehash of an old poem.

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