State of Despair [revised 13 Oct 2016]

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

State of Despair [revised 13 Oct 2016]

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 Sep 2016, 00:32

He runs over, cuts the leads of the: mowers
and mechanical rakes; why won't they start.

He cracks my elbow with a petrol can, he says I've stolen it;
mine is similar, oval and red. Next door nets move a smidgen.

The heat overpowering, he slept by a radiator;
he's cold. A plumber resets the valves and bleeds for air.

He takes the spent turkey carcass from the waste bin,
sets on the cutting board. He'd enjoyed Christmas.

Deaf, he watches TV set at full blast, hardly takes it in;
he thinks Churchill is in number ten and George VI rules.

His doctor thinks the world of him and visits evenings.
His carer is jolly and calls him Mr. Tee. He approves.

He locks himself out, remedies by throwing a brick through
the window. I pay the glazier fifty pounds.

The council changes his carer, she is frosty,
doesn't want his kisses, she files a complaint.

His consultant suggests day-care, they call me;
he'd punched a nurse, they will not have him there.

His neighbour telephones, the A.A. are starting his car.
His licence has been revoked. He is distraught when they leave.

The fencing master, calls, Dad has turned nasty, his cursing
is upsetting his new bride, she can't abide his savage voice.

Soaked and upset, we return home. I tuck him in, he sings a hymn
from childhood, I read a psalm, he's asleep when I kiss his forehead.

I break my ankle and miss a visit, he phones the police, They call me,
I have to go see. My wife cries, 'It's too much for you.' I reassure her,

She refuses to wake me, he's taken into care, An upset at the home;
disoriented he pees in a resident's room. It's not his fault.

'What's up Dad?'. I meet him at the home. ''They're moving me on.'
'Have you eaten Dad?' He can't remember. I ask for food.

Kitchen is closed. I explain he hasn't eaten. They know that,
eventually they make a sandwich. He eats ravenously.

I can't allow myself to grieve yet, I have to remain detached
awaiting the day when he won't be won't be there.

We got close that year, I regained the father of my youth
a time when he hugged me every day and when we played.

We spent time together, he'd relating our family history,
anecdotes of his business transactions, his craftiness,

his triumphs and disasters. He recounts a life of activity, of
sickness and suffering; he does not complain.

We value the time allotted until the day.

* Last four lines dropped and new line inserted at end. 13 Oct

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: State of Despair

#2 Post by meenas17 » 16 Sep 2016, 18:29

It signifies a powerful feel. Do not know what it is?
It is something that lies heavy on the heart.
I cannot express it.
An old man and his quixotic behaviour test the patience.
It is so touching, Frank, I am not able to go beyond.

Feel sad.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: State of Despair

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 Sep 2016, 19:06

Thanks for reading Meena,

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: State of Despair

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Sep 2016, 19:54

A good characterization. Some fine touches of humor. It would be better if the poem were cut, to give more impact...but an enjoyable read. Best, Bob

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: State of Despair

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 Sep 2016, 21:53

It is a long poem Bob,

Thanks for comment,

I am afraid to tinker too much and am afraid to cut anything out at the moment.

Let it stew and wait for suggestions.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: State of Despair [revised 7 Oct 2016]

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 08 Oct 2016, 01:10

I have cut to the core Bob, it might be an improvement.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: State of Despair [revised 7 Oct 2016]

#7 Post by SivaRamanathan » 08 Oct 2016, 18:49

Frank

Yes,I have read it.This is much unlike your style.Revise for punctuation only.

Siva

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: State of Despair [revised 7 Oct 2016]

#8 Post by Bernie01 » 13 Oct 2016, 21:48

Frank---





this is strong and clear:


The heat overpowering, he slept by a radiator;
he's cold. A plumber resets the valves and bleeds for air.



but the last few lines descend into sentimentality.

are the lines necessary?


bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: State of Despair [revised 7 Oct 2016]

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 13 Oct 2016, 22:42

Thanks Bernie

I value the detached eye, ouch that hurt, detached eye. :0 )

Yes, point well made, shall remove.

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EricRomm
Posts: 11
Joined: 08 Aug 2016, 18:19
Location: California

Re: State of Despair [revised 13 Oct 2016]

#10 Post by EricRomm » 17 Oct 2016, 16:50

It's quite long but thought-provoking.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: State of Despair [revised 13 Oct 2016]

#11 Post by Michael (MV) » 17 Oct 2016, 20:19

 
Hi Frank,

In accord w/ Bernie re the last lines

and those strong lines too


8)

Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 
  
 
 

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: State of Despair [revised 13 Oct 2016]

#12 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Oct 2016, 21:21

Thanks Michael, I have addressed.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: State of Despair [revised 13 Oct 2016]

#13 Post by FranktheFrank » 22 Nov 2016, 02:58

I think you need to devise some sort of test Michael
to stop trolls actually getting on board.
Maybe a private forum is warranted.

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