Black Moon

[Billy]

Black Moon

I search the house for you
in the darkness and half-light.
These hidden emotions, not lies,

but a stranger in lamplight,
hands in his pockets, upturned
collar, face obscured, turns

as if to look in my window, waits
for me to join him in the street.
For good or bad, I'm not sure.


Black Moon

I search the house for you
in the darkness and shadows.
These hidden emotions, not lies,

but a stranger in lamplight,
hands in his pockets, upturned
collar, face obscured, appears

to look in my window, waiting
for me to join him in the street.
For good or bad, I'm not sure.

[Kenneth2816]

Billy.I like the disembodied tone.I'd submit that darkness and shadows is redundant.I'm confused by the Interejection of emotions and lies.

I might suggest you change the tense from waiting to wait as it's more immediate. Also, I think two descriptions instead of three: face obscured, hands on pockets, is better than three.

[Billy]

Good suggestions.

[Bernie01]

Billy---

high emotional impact, imagery is objective and carries smoothly through the poem.

only this line stopped me, left me cold:

These hidden emotions, not lies,



a bit literal, a bit telley, is there an image substitute you might float?


poorly tuned radio fades in and out....



for example.


but i like the poem and the emotional journey it brought to me.


bernie

[FranktheFrank]

Reminds me of: 'You're Never Alone with a Strand'.

[Billy]

In kind of a slump for a month or so, kind of like not hitting any homers, not hitting anything right now.

As to the line you mention, Bernie, I've had other people say it was the best line, especially in relation to the "black moon". And whatever it's telling still leaves it rather wide open for the reader to imagine for him/herself.
But I'll think about it. Thanks for reading.

[FranktheFrank]

Billy

if you are in a slump, write of what you know.

You have written some good poems in the past,

try reading other people's work for a spark and if nothing comes try ekphrastics.