Psalms For The Drowned

[Kenneth2816]

Whenever someone came up missing
in our town, folks were quick
to blame the river. The men would load up whiskey and grappling hooks into
jonh boats, drag that stretch from
Looking Glass Creek to the spillway
where a man could roil a week
and not be found. They'd swing laterns,
plod the banks with poles where Pops
said catfish big as a boy laid under
and fed of what the river didn't swallow.
Sometimes they'd snag a body,
sometimes they'd say "nothing we can do
now but wait for the water to rise.

When I was ten, the river took my mother.
That's what Pops said anyway.
The truth doesn't matter. Nevermind
her clothes all gone.

All that summer me and my brother rode
our bikes down to the spot where we
imagined she went under. We tossed in
wildflowers picked along the way,
made jokes about fish food.

Maybe this spring or the next, when
the rains come and the river slips
it's bank dark and wild,
the water will float her free.

[SivaRamanathan]

If you take a Preview you will be able to edit the line lengths. I have to read it a few more times to make any sensible comment.

Siva

[Kenneth2816]

I dont know how

[FranktheFrank]

This is a good poem.

Probably good enough for poem-of-the week somewhere grand.

Edit by logging in and bottom of the screen is a box saying: edit.

[Billy]

This poem is way too familiar.

[Billy]

I thought so, this is a very old poem that's been published. I knew I had read it before.

[Kenneth2816]

I dont know Billy. Maybe you're the kind of poet who falls in loven with everything he writes. Not so with me. I'm looking for critique and feedback. I've never been satisfied with this poem.

[FranktheFrank]

It could be tidied up a bit, I read the original from 2012
there seems to be errors in transmitting.

Whenever someone came up missing [went missing not: came up missing]
in our town, folks were quick [suggest: quick to think of the river, why the break at quick?]
to blame the river.

Men would load up whiskey and grappling hooks into [cut 'the' at start, what sort of men, lumber men, river men, posse, Sherrie's men?]
jonh boats, drag that stretch from [what are jonh boats?]
Looking Glass Creek to the spillway [suggets you name the spillway]
where a man could roil a week [roil all week suggestion]
and not be found. They'd swing laterns, [lanterns or are laterns a lantern without a cage]
plod the banks with poles where Pops [plod near the banks]
said catfish big as a boy laid under
and fed of what the river didn't swallow. [feeding on what the river refused]
Sometimes they'd snag a body,
sometimes they'd say "nothing we can do [they'd say, "Nothing we can do, but wait for the water to rise."]
now but wait for the water to rise.
[Use capital for first word of speech within literals, you did not close the speech literal. comma before speech starts. English usage]


When I was ten, the river took my mother.
That's what Pops said anyway.
The truth doesn't matter. Nevermind [never mind]
her clothes all gone. [he clothes were gone]

All that summer me and my brother rode
our bikes down to the spot where we
imagined she went under. We tossed in
wildflowers picked along the way,
made jokes about fish food. [this line could be misinterpreted, it seems incongruous if they were grieving, it would be a holy remembrance I feel]

Maybe this spring or the next, when
the rains come and the river slips
it's bank dark and wild,
the water will float her free.

As you know it's a good poem, pity the sloppy English usage, or is that deliberate to test us?

[SivaRamanathan]

Kenneth
Frank has suggested edit changes. The 'would have in a few places weakens the poem.Can you just not put it in the past tense. Maybe you want to suggest that it is a habitual action--or something that you are not sure of--distant and vague. Frank's edit is good except the place where he says the river 'refused' ,but I like that the river 'swallows'--it makes her a monstrous woman.

Siva

[Kenneth2816]

Thank you Frank and Siva. The piem hinges in thr fact the boy knows the mother did not drown.I tried to telegraph that, but may have failed.

[FranktheFrank]

Yes we got tht ken because her clothes had gone,

nevertheless would they be so flippant, wouldn't they have missed their mother in some way?

i.e. not joked about it.

Just a thought.

[Bernie01]

Ken---


a narrative i followed with interest, but an interest that peaked before the poem finished.


loved the simplicity here, her clothes were gone.

and the unemotional portrayal of a boy who deflects his sorrow by talking about the river, search methods, and fish. i like these effects.

i enjoyed.


bernie

[iowaboy99]

Ken--

I have been away a good while. Just thought I would chime in. Like the poem a good deal. The twisty bit in the middle where it is suggested that the mother left them and didn't drown is an interesting touch.

Line three, if it isn't a mistake, is a real distraction. I also think some words like "into" [end of line 3] and "from" [end of line 4] are weak for the ends of lines.

Something like this, perhaps:


Whenever someone came up missing
in our town, folks were quick
to blame the river.

The men would load up whiskey
and grappling hooks into jonh boats,
drag that stretch from Looking Glass Creek
to the spillway where a [body] could roil a week
and not be found.

They'd swing laterns,
plod the banks with poles where Pops
said catfish big as a boy laid under
and fed of what the river didn't swallow.

Sometimes they'd snag a body,
sometimes they'd say "nothing we can do
now but wait for the water to rise.["]

When I was ten, the river took my mother.
That's what Pops said anyway.
The truth doesn't matter. Nevermind
her clothes all gone.

All that summer me and my brother rode
our bikes down to the spot where we
imagined she went under. We tossed in
wildflowers picked along the way,
made jokes about fish food.

Maybe this spring or the next,
when the rains come and the river slips
it's bank dark and wild,
the water will float her free.

Terry

[FranktheFrank]

What are laterns?