My Garden Cooled Her Heels

[BobBradshaw]

My Garden Cooled Her Heels


as winter lingered. I was impatient,
having long ago mulched the azaleas,

fertilized the zinnias,
and begun my watch for buds

the way Capistrano citizens await
the swallows' return.

Finally, spring here, poppies
and tulips flaring, my garden

dressed in bright orange
and red, I'm fifteen again--

filled with nervous
energy, my first boyfriend

on his way to pick me up
for the concert


note: this is a poem that I have been tweaking for six months...so I'm not sure if I have posted an earlier version here or not

[FranktheFrank]

I have not seen it before Bob.

My only suggestion is to examine your use and choice of the
definite/indefinite article;

also you don't need to tell us a fifteen year old is a teenager.

I wonder if you need the plural for the colours,
the garden dressed in orange and red would work.

Last line: 'the' concert rather than 'a' concert,
a concert is sort of detached and this is personal yes.

'Already' substitute for 'long ago', long ago sounds like history.

'The' swallows for 'their' swallow, they don't actually own them.

This line makes me think of Em when she visited this summer:

'I'm fifteen again--

a teenager filled with nervous
energy, my first boyfriend '

It's maybe a bit telly, how about
as skittish as a new born foal, if that isn't too cliched.

A period after reds, then move onto: I am fifteen again,
maybe a good place to break, new stanza.

Nice little sketch Bob.

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, Frank....I like some of your suggestions. I'll take advantage of them...best, Bob

[Billy]

I'm confused about who the first and second "I" are, in relation to the title. One person's garden cooled another's heels. Is the person whose garden it is one of the "I".

[BobBradshaw]

Sorry if there's confusion....there is only one person speaking....it's her garden, and when spring finally comes, she feels as if she were 15 again....

[Bernie01]

Bob---

just wonderful.


sensitive and tender without sentimentality. the objective description of the speaker allowed me to sit at the speaker's side, to feel the heartbreak of time's passage, the tenderness of the current life.

great job.


bernie

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, Bernie...I appreciate it. Best

[Michael (MV)]

Hi Bob,

here is a link to your earlier in June: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=6305

^^ I find that in the last 3rd of that version is the 3rd person - thus I read it as a father observing w/ concern the maturation of his daughter.

The current incarnation is only a first person speaker.

I'm not really comparing the 2 to evaluate - they both have their merits in their differences.


I'll keep current,
and request if you don't already have a poem committed to represent another board this November IBPC 2016,
then please consider allowing - My Garden Cooled Her Heels - to represent for the Block.

Accept or decline in this thread at Palaver Upcoming November IBPC 2016 viewtopic.php?f=3&t=6390

If accepting, then please provide in that thread
a final edition of the poem as you would like it forwarded to the finals
and all the other needed info, as delineated in the initial entry of that thread

an unconditional workshopping illustrated for your perusal Michael (MV)


My garden cooled

as winter lingered. I grew impatient,
having long ago mulched the azaleas,

fertilized the zinnias,
and kept my watch for buds

the way Capistrano citizens await
the return of the swallows.

At last, tulips flaring
as poppies appear, dressing

my garden in bright orange
and red, and I'm fifteen again--

filled with nervous
energy, waiting for my first

boyfriend, on his way
to pick me up for the jazz festival.

[EricRomm]

Now I know what flower to plant in which season.

[Bernie01]

bob...


love the title so much....


but just a thought for the end:


a boyfriend on his way,
the new swimsuit
I'm just learning to use



a little hint of ....sex....


bernie

[SivaRamanathan]

I second Michael's nomination of Bob's poem,'My Garden Cooled Her Heels.'

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, Bernie....some sex is always good...I love your romantic handling of sex in your poems...delightful

[Bernie01]

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”
― Pablo Neruda



“Tonight I can write the saddest lines
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.”

― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair

[meenas17]

Bob, I am impressed by the easy flow of thoughts in your poems. The felicity of expression adds to the charm.
That is your strength.
Keep up your good work!