Rust Red

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1988
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Rust Red

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 09 Dec 2016, 02:24

'Then I was by him, as one brought up with him:
and I was daily his delight, rejoicing always before
him. Rejoicing in the habitable part of his earth;
and my delights were with the sons of men.'

Prov. 8:30-31
Revised to meet Bernie's Spec.

After the war, when the minefields
were cleared and the barbed wire
rolled up from the beaches;
our mothers packed lunches
of strawberry jam and tomato
sandwiches in grease-proof paper
with the government allowance
of four fluid ounces of orange juice.

We followed the older girls
in their blue flowered frocks
in crocodiles up the sheep paths
to the tops of the sea-flung dunes
under the city on a hill:
Mynydd Dinas.

We crested the headland
where the American destroyer
had washed up on a lee shore,
resting rust red and forlorn;
a deckplate peeled off,
spars pointing to the clouds
bent like whalebone ribs.


We swam in the warm salt
breakers as the larks
called us from the
green rolling meadows.
We could but dance that day
glorying on the beach
of His creation.

end

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Resting Rust Red

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 10 Dec 2016, 20:17

Frank
I like this poem.I first googled 'Mynydd Dinas.' Then I took a print out of the poem and read it with the picture of the google word. The last line makes it real.However 'jumped with joy' is more suitable for kids. I appreciate the well thought out stanzas.

S

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Resting Rust Red

#3 Post by Bernie01 » 13 Dec 2016, 23:29

smooth.

very much like these lines:

We crested the headland
where the American destroyer
had washed up on a lee shore,
resting rust red and forlorn.

We swam in the warm salt
breakers as the larks
called us from the
Green rolling meadows
and we danced for joy
in the glory of His creation.




i would cut this digression:

We skirted the fresh water pools
around the marsh ground alders
clouded with frog spawn where
sticklebacks flashed silver fins
at our passing.




the appearance of people, make the poem more real for me.



here is a nobel winner (Walcott) mentioning a boat...


“Ale-gulping dwarves /
screamed blasphemous curses while a subtle moon /
guided the conqueror’s vessels to dim wharves.”


very good job.


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2692
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Resting Rust Red

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Dec 2016, 10:37

Terrific job, Frankly. I echo Bernie's thoughts....from the reality setting first stanza to the lyrical lines near the end...but the sudden turn from swimming to dancing struck me as too poetic, a reach for a meaningful ending...the details of the poem provide that 'joy of creation' already...but really a striking poem all around....I would like to see it get an IBPC nod.

We crested the headland
where the American destroyer
had washed up on a lee shore,
resting rust red and forlorn.

We swam in the warm salt
breakers as the larks
called us

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1988
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Resting Rust Red

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 14 Dec 2016, 18:55

Thanks guys, nice to see you back Bernie
after the misery of a broken leg, you must be a tough
old Californian

I have tried to accomodate you and Bob
not sure if it works though.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Resting Rust Red

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 14 Dec 2016, 20:09

Frank

I nominate this poem for the IBPC.

S

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Resting Rust Red

#7 Post by Bernie01 » 15 Dec 2016, 05:32

frank---


i second that IBPC nom....


and this, a suggestion to add another story centered image:

We crested the headland
where the American destroyer
had washed up on a lee shore,
resting rust red and forlorn.




a chewed hole in the side,
a Japanese torpedo almost visible.



you see what i mean.



(leg heeled, knee lags...thanks for your thought.)



bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1988
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Rust Red

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 Dec 2016, 00:07

Thanks Bernie, I have added

a deckplate peeled off,
spars pointing to the clouds
bent like whalebone ribs.

Everything hursts at our age and takes time to heal. :)

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2692
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Rust Red

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Dec 2016, 01:16

The spars and whalebone ribs' image is good

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1988
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Rust Red

#10 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 Dec 2016, 02:11

Thanks Bob, I still want to review it though, Bernie pushed me to go further
imo needs a more poetic form for those spars. I can't do the Japanese torpedo
as they never got this far , not in British waters, not that anyone would know,
but it has to be a British coast

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1988
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Rust Red

#11 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 Dec 2016, 02:12

Excellent workshopping

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