A Frozen Day

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

A Frozen Day

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 24 Mar 2017, 14:20

Over compacted snow, turning into the Hoofdweg.
A sudden freeze, maybe a draught from Greenland,

a flicker of frost, enough to lock the wheels.
The car slides, wheels turning one way, slipping

sideways. An old man in a slate-grey coat
with matching Homburg tumbles off his bicycle

in front of the car, he gyrates gently, his body
supine before the wheels. A huisvrouw screams

silently. A black cat strides purposely by.
The old man mouths, 'Rot weer, donder . . .'

The gap closes, Mastenbroek tugs at the useless
steering wheel, returns the old man's frozen stare.

He hits the solid bank and bounces back
into the Beetle's path. He'd seen it happen before:

a beam of sunshine through a cloud, a warm
front punching back the rivulets of frost.

A wheel finds purchase, they move off in different
directions. The old man dusts off his coat,

Replaces his battered hat, climbs back onto
his boneshaker and pedals serenely away.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: A Frozen day at Winschoten

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Mar 2017, 00:56

I like the attention to detail...I don't know what a huisvrouw is, but nevertheless...I like the little touches, like 'flicker of frost'. I wasn't sure what 'a wheel finds purchase' meant. I would take out the colon after old man. I generally like this poem...I would like more emotion in the ending....it would help the matter-of-fact tone here....but I think the poem is close to working....best, Bob

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: A Frozen day at Winschoten

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 28 Mar 2017, 02:31

Thanks Bob, congratulations of your latest placing in the IPBC.

A wheel find purchase means to find a grip after slipping.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: A Frozen day at Winschoten

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Mar 2017, 02:46

Thanks for the explanations....I wouldn't suggest using odd grammar at the end of a poem...the colon before the verb is very unusual. It attracts too much attention to itself at the expense of the ending. So you have to cast the deciding vote! Also, I like this line: The old man mouths, 'Rot weer, donder . . .' I'm not sure what it means, but I like the tone of it....is it something about the ugly weather?

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: A Frozen day at Winschoten

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 28 Mar 2017, 13:21

OK, I'll take the colon out.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: A Frozen day at Winschoten

#6 Post by Bernie01 » 02 Apr 2017, 00:06

Frank---

more directness, streamlining and getting out of the reader's way to directly feel the action.


omit: Over compacted snow, turning into the Hoofdweg.
A sudden freeze, maybe a draught from Greenland,

A flicker of frost, enough to lock the wheels.
The car slipping sideways.

An old man in a long slate-grey coat and Homburg
tumbles in front of the car, his body gyrates
before the wheels. A scream.

A black cat strides purposely by.
The old man mouths, 'Rot weer, donder . . .'

The gap closes, Mastenbroek tugs at the useless
steering wheel, returns the old man's frozen stare.

He hits the solid bank and bounces back
Into the Beetle's path. He'd seen it happen before

A beam of sunshine through a cloud, a warm
Front punching back the rivulets of frost.

A wheel finds purchase, they move off in different
Directions. The old man dusts off his coat,

Replaces his battered hat, climbs back onto
his boneshaker and pedals serenely away.





narrative.

more life? less novella, more pom?



bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: A Frozen day at Winschoten

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 04 Apr 2017, 13:10

Thanks Bernie,

Nice to see you, hope you are well.

I like what you suggest, shall take it up.

Thank you

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