Smiling Through a Hotel Bar Window

[Bernie01]

The year I came for you
handsome as the Prince of Wales,
a flat torso; my yellow slicker
glistening with storm water;

New girls replace your smile,
waving from a bar hotel window,
the dying voice of a waiter
in a corridor lit with a 40-watt bulb.

A gown slipping to the floor.
A gifted watch, haute horlogerie
sold in Paris at Patek Philippe & Co.
You spoke no more French than that.

[Michael (MV)]

 
Hi Bernie,


the poem as a l'horloge parlante - the talking clock - the tell-time guy

Perhaps "l'horloge parlante" could serve as title, esp since the center of the short text contains almost those same titular words.


The 1st stanza is wet & wonderful - maybe even more w/out the "rain"

The year I came for you
handsome as the Prince of Wales,
a flat torso; my slicker
glistening in storm water;


"horlogerie watch" is redundant, at least to my eyes & ears; workshop consider:


Hot house roses slip to metal floors,
a bezel from a horlogerie bijouterie
for an haute timepiece
sold in Paris at Patek Philippe & Co.
No more French than that you spoke.

^^ That would make the last stanza 5 lines.

or as another quatrain followed by a loner:

Hot house roses slip to metal floors,
a bezel from a horlogerie bijouterie
for an haute timepiece
sold in Paris at Patek Philippe & Co.

No more French than that you spoke


And, too, workshop consider that last line

"No more French than that you spoke"

as:

speaking no more French than you

or abbreviated -

no more French than you.



and Thanks, Bernie, too, for your poem recalls to me these enduring lyrics by Elton John:

It seems to me a crime that we should age
These fragile times should never slip us by
A time you never can or shall erase
As friends together watch their childhood fly


we shall see the Light




Michael (MV)

 

 

 

  
 
 

[FranktheFrank]

Bernie
The Prince of Wales is not a respected figure
more like a vilified figure, unless you are thinking of
Edward the last Prince of Wales I would suggest
Prince William, a splendid figure and much loved here in the UK.

It is nice to see wales out there though.

regards

[FranktheFrank]

I nominate this poem for this month's IBPC.

[Bernie01]

guys, many thanks for the comments and suggestions. i've made changes, but i want my hero to be a modern ruffian. he buys women.

any ISP nod is great.


bernie