The year I came for you
handsome as the Prince of Wales,
a flat torso; my yellow slicker
glistening with storm water;
New girls replace your smile,
waving from a bar hotel window,
the dying voice of a waiter
in a corridor lit with a 40-watt bulb.
A gown slipping to the floor.
A gifted watch, haute horlogerie
sold in Paris at Patek Philippe & Co.
You spoke no more French than that.
Smiling Through a Hotel Bar Window
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Re: Smiling Through a Hotel Bar Window
Hi Bernie,
the poem as a l'horloge parlante - the talking clock - the tell-time guy
Perhaps "l'horloge parlante" could serve as title, esp since the center of the short text contains almost those same titular words.
The 1st stanza is wet & wonderful - maybe even more w/out the "rain"
The year I came for you
handsome as the Prince of Wales,
a flat torso; my slicker
glistening in storm water;
"horlogerie watch" is redundant, at least to my eyes & ears; workshop consider:
Hot house roses slip to metal floors,
a bezel from a horlogerie bijouterie
for an haute timepiece
sold in Paris at Patek Philippe & Co.
No more French than that you spoke.
^^ That would make the last stanza 5 lines.
or as another quatrain followed by a loner:
Hot house roses slip to metal floors,
a bezel from a horlogerie bijouterie
for an haute timepiece
sold in Paris at Patek Philippe & Co.
No more French than that you spoke
And, too, workshop consider that last line
"No more French than that you spoke"
as:
speaking no more French than you
or abbreviated -
no more French than you.
and Thanks, Bernie, too, for your poem recalls to me these enduring lyrics by Elton John:
It seems to me a crime that we should age
These fragile times should never slip us by
A time you never can or shall erase
As friends together watch their childhood fly
we shall see the Light
Michael (MV)
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Re: Smiling Through a Hotel Bar Window
Bernie
The Prince of Wales is not a respected figure
more like a vilified figure, unless you are thinking of
Edward the last Prince of Wales I would suggest
Prince William, a splendid figure and much loved here in the UK.
It is nice to see wales out there though.
regards
The Prince of Wales is not a respected figure
more like a vilified figure, unless you are thinking of
Edward the last Prince of Wales I would suggest
Prince William, a splendid figure and much loved here in the UK.
It is nice to see wales out there though.
regards
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- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Smiling Through a Hotel Bar Window
I nominate this poem for this month's IBPC.
Re: Smiling Through a Hotel Bar Window
guys, many thanks for the comments and suggestions. i've made changes, but i want my hero to be a modern ruffian. he buys women.
any ISP nod is great.
bernie
any ISP nod is great.
bernie