Nero Swims

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Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Nero Swims

#1 Post by Michael (MV) » 25 Apr 2017, 23:04

 
Welcome! jpauchter


workshop suggest the 1st 3 lines as:

I walk up to my Victorian
with a box of matches.
I light the flat on fire,


re "(Here's a precautionary epigram!)"

^^ I believe this editorial is more effective unwritten; let the white space imply - white space before the turn which is the last 4 lines -

white space as fulcrum


re "critics cause true artistry genuine harm"

^^ "true artistry genuine harm" - the irony & tension between what are usually synonyms

genuine harm is testimony to true artistry -

"critic" can be constructive or destructive; when the latter, it is jealousy

with "cause" my inner language poetry (langpo) ear is hearing "caustic" - but then "critic" here is indeed the destructive agent.- critics causing harm on the farm

I workshop suggest that last line as a loner line.


jpauchter, workshop in toto for your perusal & consideration     8)   Michael (MV)


I walk up to my Victorian
with a box of matches,
and light that flat on fire;

walk calmly to the pool's edge
and drink from my Mellow Yellow
without giving a damn.


Locusts destroy greenery -
the crops of creativity.
The duel between bug and farm -

critics causing true artistry genuine harm.
 

jpauchter wrote:(This is a new poem that I hope will blast everyone with the force of an M-80!)

I walk up to my Victorian
with a pack of matches.
I light the house on fire,
walk calmly to the pool's edge.
I drink from my Mellow Yellow
without giving a damn.

(Here's a precautionary epigram!)

locusts destroy greenery
the precious crops of poetry
a duel between bug and farm
critics cause true artistry genuine harm
 

 

 
 
 
 
 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Nero Swims

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 26 Apr 2017, 06:29

I would go with just these lines...it would give the poem much more impact...by the way I love these lines...what an image!

I walk up to my Victorian
with a pack of matches.
I light the house on fire,
walk calmly to the pool's edge.
I drink from my Mellow Yellow
without giving a damn.

SOriz211
Posts: 65
Joined: 02 Jan 2017, 01:02

Re: Nero Swims

#3 Post by SOriz211 » 07 May 2017, 16:31

I like Bob's suggestion but, what is your Victorian. You see I have a degree in The Restoration Period of literature and to me, that's what it is an epoch in history. I guess that what I am saying is that it's too condensed.

Sergio

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