Version 2(thanks, Michael):
Lounging in a Garden
The hummingbird flies back and forth
to her thimble sized nest
hidden among purple flowers
of a Princess tree,
her eggs the size
of large tears.
Yellow primrose flowers
of golden Winterhazel
shed like croissants--
and a weeping crabapple tree
shows froth and light,
teasing the bees
with her first braid
of white blossoms.
I, too, linger, lounging
among the grapes
of purple hyacinth,
the afternoon ripening
amid the pale blues
of Cantab irises.
Version 1:
Lounging in a Garden
The hummingbird flies back and forth
to her thimble sized nest
hidden among purple flowers
of a Princess tree,
her eggs the size
of large tears.
Yellow primrose flowers
of golden Winterhazel
are shedding like croissants.
But a weeping crabapple tree
shows signs of quickly
becoming froth and light,
teasing the bees with her first
braid of white blossoms.
We all vanish too quickly,
as do the seasons, but for the moment
I sit in a lounge chair
surrounded by the purples
of grape hyacinth, the afternoon
ripening among the pale
blues of Cantab
irises.
Lounging in a Garden
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Re: Lounging in a Garden
Hi Bob,
a classic theme: vanitas / memento mori in a spring-scape;
an epic example in a short form, Frost's "Nothing gold can stay."
And your poem, although not a sonnet, follows the artistic logic of the Italian sonnet -
specific to general - with the turn by the observer in the garden lounge chair.
I'm delighted by the figures:
" her eggs the size
of large tears."
^^ workshop suggest shorter w/out the unneeded "size":
her eggs like large tears.
and while the simile is charming, at the same time it subtly suggests the born to die
and the "shedding like croissants" - consider w/out the "are":
Yellow primrose flowers
of golden Winterhazel,
shedding like croissants.
^^ Then the strategic juxt iw/ the "weeping crabapple tree" is effective
Yellow primrose flowers
of golden Winterhazel,
shedding like croissants,
as a weeping crabapple tree
shows froth and light,
teasing the bees
with her first braid
of white blossoms.
RE
"We all vanish too quickly,
as do the seasons, but for the moment "
^^ editorial - prose-like - telling
And I, too, linger familiar
in a lounge chair among the grapes
of purple hyacinth,
the afternoon ripening
amid the pale blues
^^ without an image
"of Cantab
irises."
here - image dissolves - vanitas
Also consider w/out the pronouns that anthropomorphize nature.
Below in toto, for your perusal & consideration Michael (MV)
Keats treated the theme in his 19thC masterpiece "To Autumn."
Although not an ode, in contemporary poetics(and more so sans the personification of nature) you have expressed the familiar theme as a companion poem in a spring-scape. Hence, (and not merely b/c "lounging in a garden" is in the text), I'm workshop sharing the title "To Spring." I believe that although the body dies, the Life continues on The Spring forever - not water - Light - The Absolute Light.
And being workshop radical - I see now that punctuation, and the authorial pronoun "I" can be removed(replaced by extra white spaces in the body) - then the poem moves to demise as a single thread
"To Spring"
The hummingbird flies back and forth
to a thimble sized nest
hidden among purple flowers
of a Princess tree
with eggs like large tears
and Yellow primrose flowers
of golden Winterhazel
shedding like croissants
as a weeping crabapple tree
shows froth and light
teasing the bees
with the first braid
of white blossoms
all while lingering familiar
in a lounge chair among the grapes
of purple hyacinth
with the afternoon ripening
amid the pale blues
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Lounging in a Garden
You have given me a number of things to think about, Michael. I'll consider your ideas. Thanks so much! Bob
Re: Lounging in a Garden
bob....
so nice, just wonderful. no monkey editing from me.
bernie
so nice, just wonderful. no monkey editing from me.
bernie
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Lounging in a Garden
Thank, Bernie....Bob