Lounging in a Garden

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Lounging in a Garden

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 12 May 2017, 05:10

    Version 2(thanks, Michael):

Lounging in a Garden
      
    
The hummingbird flies back and forth
to her thimble sized nest
          
hidden among purple flowers
of a Princess tree,

her eggs the size
of large tears.

Yellow primrose flowers
of golden Winterhazel  

shed like croissants--
and a weeping crabapple tree

shows froth and light,
teasing the bees

with her first braid
of white blossoms.

I, too, linger, lounging
among the grapes

of purple hyacinth,
the afternoon ripening

amid the pale blues
of Cantab irises.
       

Version 1:

   Lounging in a Garden
      

    
         The hummingbird flies back and forth
         to her thimble sized nest
          
         hidden among purple flowers
         of a Princess tree,

         her eggs the size
         of large tears.

         Yellow primrose flowers
         of golden Winterhazel  

         are shedding like croissants.
         But a weeping crabapple tree

         shows signs of quickly
         becoming froth and light,
 
         teasing the bees with her first
         braid of white blossoms.

         We all vanish too quickly,
         as do the seasons, but for the moment  

         I sit in a lounge chair      
         surrounded by the purples

         of grape hyacinth, the afternoon
         ripening among the pale
      
         blues of Cantab
         irises.
       

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Lounging in a Garden

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 12 May 2017, 20:29

 
Hi Bob,


a classic theme: vanitas / memento mori in a spring-scape;
an epic example in a short form, Frost's "Nothing gold can stay."


And your poem, although not a sonnet, follows the artistic logic of the Italian sonnet -
specific to general - with the turn by the observer in the garden lounge chair.


I'm delighted by the figures:

" her eggs the size
of large tears."

^^ workshop suggest shorter w/out the unneeded "size":

her eggs like large tears.

and while the simile is charming, at the same time it subtly suggests the born to die


and the "shedding like croissants" - consider w/out the "are":

Yellow primrose flowers
of golden Winterhazel,

shedding like croissants.


^^ Then the strategic juxt iw/ the "weeping crabapple tree" is effective


Yellow primrose flowers
of golden Winterhazel,

shedding like croissants,
as a weeping crabapple tree

shows froth and light,
teasing the bees

with her first braid
of white blossoms.


RE

"We all vanish too quickly,
as do the seasons, but for the moment "

^^ editorial - prose-like - telling

And I, too, linger familiar
in a lounge chair among the grapes

of purple hyacinth,
the afternoon ripening

amid the pale blues


^^ without an image

"of Cantab
irises."

here - image dissolves - vanitas


Also consider w/out the pronouns that anthropomorphize nature.


Below in toto, for your perusal & consideration   8)   Michael (MV)

Keats treated the theme in his 19thC masterpiece "To Autumn."
Although not an ode, in contemporary poetics(and more so sans the personification of nature) you have expressed the familiar theme as a companion poem in a spring-scape. Hence, (and not merely b/c "lounging in a garden" is in the text), I'm workshop sharing the title "To Spring." I believe that although the body dies, the Life continues on The Spring forever - not water - Light - The Absolute Light.

And being workshop radical - I see now that punctuation, and the authorial pronoun "I" can be removed(replaced by extra white spaces in the body) - then the poem moves to demise as a single thread


"To Spring"


The hummingbird flies back and forth
to a thimble sized nest

hidden among purple flowers
of a Princess tree

with eggs like large tears


and Yellow primrose flowers
of golden Winterhazel

shedding like croissants
as a weeping crabapple tree

shows froth and light
teasing the bees

with the first braid
of white blossoms


all while lingering familiar
in a lounge chair among the grapes

of purple hyacinth
with the afternoon ripening

amid the pale blues
 
 
 
 
  
 
  
 
 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Lounging in a Garden

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 12 May 2017, 22:25

You have given me a number of things to think about, Michael. I'll consider your ideas. Thanks so much! Bob

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Lounging in a Garden

#4 Post by Bernie01 » 20 May 2017, 08:20

bob....

so nice, just wonderful. no monkey editing from me.

bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Lounging in a Garden

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 May 2017, 09:56

Thank, Bernie....Bob

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