The Great Solar Eclipse

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

The Great Solar Eclipse

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 14 May 2017, 20:01

:hundred years, the sky longs to devour the sun
me living in my mother’s womb,very much hidden
her mother away to nurse a mother-in-law
as the drama in the sky happens, scatters
multifarious gases most poisonous ions
while a rascal uncle focuses the drama
through a very powerful telescope-
where pregnant women stay in dark rooms
they do not expose even the little finger of their toe
so why would she have to gaze at a Sun devoid of fire
as a thin layer of skin forms a waterfall
over the eyes of the babe in the womb

and I am born with a cataract,
but none suspects till…..

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Great Solar Eclipse

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 May 2017, 21:17

This is a great, and imaginative analogy that you are drawing here, two events coming together....the concept is extraordinary. I don't think the last line works yet...there needs to be a strong, emotional tug at the end to make the poem 'pop', as they say. I"m not sure about 'waterfall'....it's probably a wonderful image but I'm not quite seeing it. Could you explain? Anyway, this poem has such strong potential, and it's almost there....Keep polishing it...best

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Great Solar Eclipse

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 15 May 2017, 21:36

Bob
This is one of my problem poems. Thanks for the feedback.

S

merissakate
Posts: 1
Joined: 24 May 2017, 17:53

Re: The Great Solar Eclipse

#4 Post by merissakate » 24 May 2017, 17:54

The Solar Eclipse that happens on August 2008, will be an aggregate obs-curation of the Sun with a size of 1.039 that will be noticeable from a limited passageway through northern Canada , northern piece of Russia, western Mongolia, and China. Online Assignment Help. It has a place with the alleged midnight Sun shrouds, as it will be obvious from districts encountering Midnight sun.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: The Great Solar Eclipse

#5 Post by Bernie01 » 25 May 2017, 09:12

S---

love the subject, the free base roll, the imagination...


like bob, not crazy about "waterfall."


maybe the word "skein"?


as a thin layer of skin forms a skein / waterfall
over the eyes of the babe in the womb

and I am born with a cataract,
but none suspects till…..


maybe,

and i am born eyeless in Gaza.

(the aldous Huxley book title.)



or,

I am born eyeless in Panaji.


or supine over beds at Vivanta Taj - Panaji


to project "Indian" flavor.


just guessing.


bernie

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Great Solar Eclipse

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 26 May 2017, 06:38

B

as a thin layer of skin forms a skein
over the eyes of the babe in the womb

and I am born eyeless in Madras,(or South India)
but none suspects till…..

I like the word,'skein', though I would probably not have thought about it.

Thank you.
S

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: The Great Solar Eclipse

#7 Post by Bernie01 » 29 May 2017, 05:45

S...


Madras. yup.

i think of Samina Ali's novel, Madras on Rainy Days.


feeling, emotional tone just for asking....you see what i mean.

she uses Hyderabad---your choice, but I'm just saying such references help ground a creative work....


i hope i'm clear, you have a very creative poem flowing here, i'm suggesting a little easy framing....


bernie

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Great Solar Eclipse

#8 Post by SivaRamanathan » 29 May 2017, 22:00

B
I will think of something.Madras is necessary for the story, that is all.

Thanks
S

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