The Great Solar Eclipse
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- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
The Great Solar Eclipse
:hundred years, the sky longs to devour the sun
me living in my mother’s womb,very much hidden
her mother away to nurse a mother-in-law
as the drama in the sky happens, scatters
multifarious gases most poisonous ions
while a rascal uncle focuses the drama
through a very powerful telescope-
where pregnant women stay in dark rooms
they do not expose even the little finger of their toe
so why would she have to gaze at a Sun devoid of fire
as a thin layer of skin forms a waterfall
over the eyes of the babe in the womb
and I am born with a cataract,
but none suspects till…..
me living in my mother’s womb,very much hidden
her mother away to nurse a mother-in-law
as the drama in the sky happens, scatters
multifarious gases most poisonous ions
while a rascal uncle focuses the drama
through a very powerful telescope-
where pregnant women stay in dark rooms
they do not expose even the little finger of their toe
so why would she have to gaze at a Sun devoid of fire
as a thin layer of skin forms a waterfall
over the eyes of the babe in the womb
and I am born with a cataract,
but none suspects till…..
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- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: The Great Solar Eclipse
This is a great, and imaginative analogy that you are drawing here, two events coming together....the concept is extraordinary. I don't think the last line works yet...there needs to be a strong, emotional tug at the end to make the poem 'pop', as they say. I"m not sure about 'waterfall'....it's probably a wonderful image but I'm not quite seeing it. Could you explain? Anyway, this poem has such strong potential, and it's almost there....Keep polishing it...best
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: The Great Solar Eclipse
Bob
This is one of my problem poems. Thanks for the feedback.
S
This is one of my problem poems. Thanks for the feedback.
S
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- Joined: 24 May 2017, 17:53
Re: The Great Solar Eclipse
The Solar Eclipse that happens on August 2008, will be an aggregate obs-curation of the Sun with a size of 1.039 that will be noticeable from a limited passageway through northern Canada , northern piece of Russia, western Mongolia, and China. Online Assignment Help. It has a place with the alleged midnight Sun shrouds, as it will be obvious from districts encountering Midnight sun.
Re: The Great Solar Eclipse
S---
love the subject, the free base roll, the imagination...
like bob, not crazy about "waterfall."
maybe the word "skein"?
as a thin layer of skin forms a skein / waterfall
over the eyes of the babe in the womb
and I am born with a cataract,
but none suspects till…..
maybe,
and i am born eyeless in Gaza.
(the aldous Huxley book title.)
or,
I am born eyeless in Panaji.
or supine over beds at Vivanta Taj - Panaji
to project "Indian" flavor.
just guessing.
bernie
love the subject, the free base roll, the imagination...
like bob, not crazy about "waterfall."
maybe the word "skein"?
as a thin layer of skin forms a skein / waterfall
over the eyes of the babe in the womb
and I am born with a cataract,
but none suspects till…..
maybe,
and i am born eyeless in Gaza.
(the aldous Huxley book title.)
or,
I am born eyeless in Panaji.
or supine over beds at Vivanta Taj - Panaji
to project "Indian" flavor.
just guessing.
bernie
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: The Great Solar Eclipse
B
as a thin layer of skin forms a skein
over the eyes of the babe in the womb
and I am born eyeless in Madras,(or South India)
but none suspects till…..
I like the word,'skein', though I would probably not have thought about it.
Thank you.
S
as a thin layer of skin forms a skein
over the eyes of the babe in the womb
and I am born eyeless in Madras,(or South India)
but none suspects till…..
I like the word,'skein', though I would probably not have thought about it.
Thank you.
S
Re: The Great Solar Eclipse
S...
Madras. yup.
i think of Samina Ali's novel, Madras on Rainy Days.
feeling, emotional tone just for asking....you see what i mean.
she uses Hyderabad---your choice, but I'm just saying such references help ground a creative work....
i hope i'm clear, you have a very creative poem flowing here, i'm suggesting a little easy framing....
bernie
Madras. yup.
i think of Samina Ali's novel, Madras on Rainy Days.
feeling, emotional tone just for asking....you see what i mean.
she uses Hyderabad---your choice, but I'm just saying such references help ground a creative work....
i hope i'm clear, you have a very creative poem flowing here, i'm suggesting a little easy framing....
bernie
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: The Great Solar Eclipse
B
I will think of something.Madras is necessary for the story, that is all.
Thanks
S
I will think of something.Madras is necessary for the story, that is all.
Thanks
S