Azhagar sets out from the temple.
His palanquin decorated with flowers.
shines with a golden hue.
He reclines on a velvet. bolster
Crowds flock to capture a glimpse of him.
He is to give his sibling in wedlock to Shiva.
His entourage moves.
He blesses his devotees.
He carries with him a treasure,
comprising of jewels and silk to honour her
He remembers the adolescent days.
Memories flood. His eyes turn moist.
Down the hills he journeys.
Pauses at intervals to meet the people.
His filial duties call him
.
He speeds through the gathering.
He reaches Madurai.
Hears the ceremony is over.
He chooses not to cross the River Vaigai
turns eastwards disappointed.
Witnessing the carnival every year
I remain animated. God's grace is in abundance.
Eastward Ho
-
Michael (MV)
- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Eastward Ho
Hi meenas17,
upon a 1st read-thru:
the carnival
animated
with the Spirit
Heaven --
animation
sans carne
Michael (MV)
-
BobBradshaw
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Eastward Ho
Your setting is local, and appealing. The core of the poem is fine, but needs to be simplified. The ending doesn't work because suddenly the speaker's comments don't seem to have anything to do with the preceding journey. I would cut those lines and work on a stronger ending. It's a strong foundation...
here's some thoughts on a simpler journey:
Azhagar sets out from the temple,
his palanquin decorated with flowers
a golden cloud.
Crowds flock to capture a glimpse of him.
He is to give his sibling in wedlock to Shiva.
He blesses his devotees
and carries with him
jewels and silk to honour her.
He remembers their adolescent days,
his eyes moist.
Down the hills he journeys,
pausing at intervals to meet the people.
His filial duties call him,
and he speeds through the gathering.
He reaches Madurai,
hears the ceremony is over.
He chooses not to cross the River Vaigai,
turns eastwards disappointed.
here's some thoughts on a simpler journey:
Azhagar sets out from the temple,
his palanquin decorated with flowers
a golden cloud.
Crowds flock to capture a glimpse of him.
He is to give his sibling in wedlock to Shiva.
He blesses his devotees
and carries with him
jewels and silk to honour her.
He remembers their adolescent days,
his eyes moist.
Down the hills he journeys,
pausing at intervals to meet the people.
His filial duties call him,
and he speeds through the gathering.
He reaches Madurai,
hears the ceremony is over.
He chooses not to cross the River Vaigai,
turns eastwards disappointed.
Re: Eastward Ho
It is a carnival that locals watch with awe.
I am no exception.
The crowd is really animated as they go behind the palanquin.
Possibly my poem is short of the expression.
I am no exception.
The crowd is really animated as they go behind the palanquin.
Possibly my poem is short of the expression.
meenas17