Lava Cake

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meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Lava Cake

#1 Post by meenas17 » 22 May 2017, 16:55

Revision 26/May/2017

My chef is manageable
most days: turns unruly on circumstances
when he needs to be told to behave.

He prepares delicious stuff.
for the arriving guests.
Lays the table with crispy potato fries,
salad greens, eggplant kofta, garlic and onion broth
spinach stew and raita.

Dressed in sparkling white,
with a sterling ladle and a smile
he orchestrates the soup service,
briskly, yet without spilling a drop.

Then swiftly to the pantry to fetch rice,
instead, abruptly strikes a fight with the maid.
yells at her for no cause.
She retorts loudly.

The help is erupting
the flow of the household.
The alarmed company look to leave.

I turn up the ambience music.
fast-walk to the cuisine. With my eyes
silence the housemaid and stare down the cook.

The volcano immediately subsides.
The chef and the maid cool and resume,
catering to the guests at ease in our home.





Revision 22/May/2017

My chef is manageable
most days: turns unruly on circumstances
when he needs to be told to behave.

He prepares delicious stuff.
for the arriving guests.
Lays the table with crispy potato fries,
salad greens, eggplant kofta, garlic and onion broth
spinach stew and raita

Dressed in sparkling white, wearing a smile
he serves corn soup without spilling a drop.
Then off to the pantry to fetch rice,
instead, strikes a fight with the maid.
yells at her for no cause.
She retorts loudly.

The help is erupting
the flow of the household.
The alarmed company look to leave.

I turn up the ambience music.
fast-walk to the cuisine. With my eyes
silence the housemaid and stare down the cook.

The volcano immediately subsides.
The chef and the maid cool and resume,
catering to the guests at ease in our home.







Original

My chef is akin to a volcano
manageable most days,
turns unruly on circumstances
when he needs to behave well.

The guests have come
He prepares delicious stuff.
Lays the table with crispy potato fries,
salad greens, eggplant kofta, garlic and onion broth
spinach stew and raita

He serves corn soup with dignity.
Rushes to the pantry to fetch rice.
Strikes a fight with the maid.
yells at her for no cause.
She shouts back. It is a disarray.
Feel dismayed.

I increase the volume of the music played
Enter the cuisine. Silence the housemaid.
Stare at the cook. My eyes do the trick.
He retreats. Bid him to resume the duty.

The volcano settles.
meenas17

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: The Volcano Settles

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 22 May 2017, 19:35

 
Hi meenas17,

the metaphor is effective in this master/servant poem,
but it is telegraphed by the title & opening.

Stronger if saved for the finale - suggest changing the title & leave "volcano" out of the opening -
let it erupt in the main course of the narrative   :)


also some grammar punctuation concerns, unevenness

also some telling, instead of showing


workshop illustrated below for your perusal & consideration   8)   Michael (MV)


different title - maybe "too many cooks . . "

or for comic relief "lava cake for dessert" -

^^ or abbreviated to "lava cake" understood as for dessert


My chef is manageable
most days; turns unruly on circumstances,
when he just needs to be told to behave.

He prepares delicious dishes
for the arriving guests.
Lays the table with potato fries
crispy and not greasy,
salad greens, eggplant kofta, garlic and onion
broth, spinach stew and raita.

With a silver ladle and a smile
he serves corn soup without spilling a drop.      -- (shows "with dignity")
Then off to the pantry to fetch rice,
instead strikes a fight with the maid,
yelling at her for no cause. She loudly retorts.

The help is erupting
the flow of the household,
and the alarmed company look to leave.

I turn-up the ambience music,
fast-walk to the cuisine. With my eyes
silence the housemaid and stare down the cook.

The volcano immediately settles.
The chef & maid cool and resume
catering to the guests at ease in our home.

 
 
 
  
 

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Volcano Settles

#3 Post by meenas17 » 22 May 2017, 20:07

Thanks for the inputs, Michael.
"Let the volcano erupt in the main course of the narrative" makes me smile.
I will alter the title in the revision.
meenas17

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: I Stir The Pot

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 23 May 2017, 23:38

 
Hi meenas17,


upon workshopping the revision:


"I stir the pot" is an expression that means "to stir up trouble" - agitation

The "I" here is the master of the home, who returns the status to tranquility.

^^ so the title "I Stir the Pot" reads counter to the resolution.


Instead of "My chef" consider Our chef   (sound more family, communal)


re "He prepares delicious stuff"

"stuff" does not convey the expertise & artistry of an experience chef

That why I workshop suggest:

He prepares delicious dishes.

or maybe as:

He prepares delicious & indelible dishes.




I like your additional detail of attire; but don't lose that ladle.

Now I'm prompted to workshop suggest an individual stanza to profile the chef:

Dressed in sparkling white,
with a sterling ladle and a smile
he orchestrates the soup service,
briskly, yet without spilling a drop.

Then swiftly to the pantry to fetch rice,
instead, abruptly strikes a fight with the maid.
yells at her for no cause.
She retorts loudly.


Also, "company" is a collective noun; therefore, the correct subject to verb agreement is:

and the alarmed company looks to leave.


a slight variation here - comma instead of period stop:

I turn up the ambience music.
fast-walk to the cuisine, and with my eyes
silence the housemaid and stare down the cook.


meenas17, I like your word choice of "subsides" - very precise.
That comma is not needed:

The volcano immediately subsides.
The chef and the maid cool and resume
catering to the guests at ease in our home.



Behind every good chef is a good master

8)

Michael (MV)

 

 

 

 

 

 

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Our Chef

#5 Post by meenas17 » 28 May 2017, 10:13

Michael,
I have posted the revision on 26/May/ 2017.
Thanks for the workshopping.
meenas17

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