Bharata Advent

[Bernie01]

Bharata Advent


withdrawn

[SivaRamanathan]

I did not get to read this.

[Bernie01]

S---


sorry, i posted an old IBPC poem with a new last verse:


Ramadan
by Bernard Henrie
The Waters
First Place, July 2015
Judged by C. Wade Bentley


They shot a naked man howling in a barricaded house.
He clipped his lawn into the night skilled as a doctor
on graveyard shift putting in stitches.

But I mind my own business, box a roast beef sandwich
at the senior lunch and spend the evening in my bathrobe,
my wasp thin computer overheated on my lap.

Letters to my dead wife faithful as the Jeddah lighthouse,
her face full of rupees, the stern look her eyes gave out
and only sixteen years old.

Summer tans me to the color of an Indian Sepoy.
I drink Bigelow teas while smoking Churchman No 1
cigarettes.

I am in the rag trade with other Indian Jews like myself,
my secondhand racks full of unwanted suits for men.
I observe Passover from a window of the 93 bus.

Oh naked man, howling man shot dead I mourn
your emerald passage: ask both India and Pakistan
to hold their fire for a single rotation of the moon.



the judge:

Sometimes detail, even fresh and wonderful sensory detail, can be simply dumped on readers to no apparent purpose. In this poem, however, the details flesh-out the speaker’s life to such an extent and in so few lines that, by the end of the poem, the poet has created that crucial parallel, a mirror we can hold up to the dead man. There are deeper religious and geopolitical threads, here, but I am most taken by the concreteness of “secondhand racks full of unwanted suits for men,” and “box a roast beef sandwich/ at the senior lunch.” --C. Wade Bentley



I posted the following amended last verse:



Naked man, I drape you in a used suit and black shoes,
halogen lights bloom in the city across summer roofs
shining into the closed eyes of the departed dead,
sentinel dogs bark in their jeweled collars.



an experiment from an idle hour, so i withdrew the lines.



bernie

[FranktheFrank]

As you know Bernie I liked your original poem very much,

the new version of the last stanza is a huge improvement
and it adds to the poem immeasurably in my opinion.

Naked man, I drape you in a used suit and black shoes,
halogen lights bloom in the city across summer roofs
shining into the closed eyes of the departed dead
and sentinel dogs bark in their jeweled collars.

Maybe leave out the 'and' in the very last line.
I did approve and enjoy these lines in your original
last stanza:

Oh naked man, howling man shot dead I mourn
your emerald passage:

If you decide to keep those lines maybe:

Oh naked howling man shot dead - I mourn
your emerald passage:



It is so nice to see you contributing again online.

regards

Ieuan

[Bernie01]

Leuan---

mighty big thanks for your vote here. especially since you affirm the new verse---yeah that and
should go the way of high button shoes.

i champion rewriting for others here and especially for me.


one great value of our Forum is the opportunity to compose for fellow writers as we journey each poem closer to our goals.


bernie

[SivaRamanathan]

B

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read both your original and your edited version. As usual I am intrigued by your titles.

S