Rain

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Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Rain

#1 Post by Bernie01 » 07 Jul 2017, 08:31

It rained in Chowringhee
a short while ago and her
tangled hair flew lopsided.

The vicissitudes of the city
dead to me like lead paint
over Rabindra Setu bridge.

The pillow case and towel
bare a trace scent of pectin.
Mercy for myself, end stage.

In dizzy rain the windows
steam over. Any blind fool
can see I am crazy lonely.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Rain In Chowringhee

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 07 Jul 2017, 20:07

 
Hi Bernie,


2 proofreading concerns -

I look up "visitudes" & find the spelling of the word: vicissitudes.

Is vicissitudes the word intended?


re:

Mercy for myself, end stage.

in dizzy rain the windows

^^Since there is a period after "stage," then grammatically it follows that the "i" in "in," which begins a new sentence, should be capitalized -

Mercy for myself, end stage.

In dizzy rain the windows


^^ btw, I like "dizzy rain"


and re "Mercy for myself, end stage."

^^ strong for becoming a viable resourcing of the hospice metaphor


Since "Chowringhee" is in the lead line, then abbreviate title to "Rain" - ultimately rain becomes a Universal - Mercy -
recalling for this reader Portia's famous speech:

https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/mer ... t-strained



consider this slight change in wording here:

The pillow case and towel
bare a trace scent of pectin.


and here:

In dizzy rain, windows disappear
in the steam. Any blind fool
can see I am crazy lonely.



and btw, is the pom alluding to the book & film Chowringhee from the 60s?


In the scenario of the pom, MV is transported back a Breakfast at Tiffany's


and that appeals to my appetites

8)

Michael (MV)



 

 

 
 
 
 
 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Rain

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 07 Jul 2017, 21:57

You do a lot in a few lines. Excellent atmosphere...I love these lines below esp....and the close works.

The vicissitudes of the city
dead to me like lead paint
over Rabindra Setu bridge.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Rain

#4 Post by Bernie01 » 07 Jul 2017, 22:40

Michael---

made your suggested changes---thanks for the close edit.

I was thinking of the novel, Sankar's cavalcade of stories---circa 1960's, and yes, merchant of venice and the lines about mercy. the image of mercy falling like rain. even more so, a second poem in this setting with a jewish protagonist.

two of his novels have been filmed by Satyajit Ray.

yes, the "vicissitudes" of the city. Chowringhee is a label for a district in Kolkata (Calcutta)

and, who doesn't love Audrey---in anything.


Bob---

thanks for noticing and commenting. atmosphere, or mood, so important to me. the "lead paint" issue...a projection, a liberty. I didn't mean to pick on this marvelous bridge---I know that bird droppings are cleaned away to reduce corrosion...my narrator is ill, like many of the ill, he might be tempted to blame someone or something.



last line---I avoid when possible two words ending in a "y." lonely and crazy. I made an exception, maybe someone has an idea.


bernie

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