New York Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry

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 Post subject: A Rememberance
PostPosted: 12 Jul 2017, 20:21 
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Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27
Posts: 393
a remembrance

The events of my wedding,
a three-day affair

crowded with entertainment.

The customary rituals.

I, from the point of concentration,

watch the sequence in awe.

In the midst of the activities, dad

shows an immaculate cordiality.

Mother expresses poise.
Her exhaustion is apparent.

Both stand on the porch,
greet people with a namaste.

The guests enjoy the delicacies.
Rejoice in the hospitality.

I find excitement in all,

driven by enthusiasm.

The ensemble disperses in spirit

Thoughts flood with pleasant memories.

_________________
meenas17


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 Post subject: Re: A Rememberance
PostPosted: 16 Jan 2018, 11:14 
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Joined: 16 Jan 2018, 11:08
Posts: 1
Writers and readers of the books will get lots of enjoyment from this site that share interesting words on new works. Forget about losing of grades and hire essay service for writing of assigned projects of all classes.


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 Post subject: Re: A Rememberance
PostPosted: 16 Jan 2018, 21:46 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 518
M---

i suggest the poem teller close with a shy glimpse of the virile groom...

bernie


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 Post subject: Re: A Rememberance
PostPosted: 18 Jan 2018, 01:54 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
Posts: 84
Hi Meena,

I like the poem, although I'm not too keen on the spacing between all the lines.

Eira


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 Post subject: Re: A Rememberance
PostPosted: 18 Jan 2018, 03:31 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 847
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
This is a vast improvement on your earlier work, correctly moderated in grammar
and punctuation and restraint in the use of modifiers, restraint in English usage

a remembrance [Capitalise Title] You could also benefit by removing the double spacing, your choice.

The events of my wedding,
a three-day affair

crowded with entertainment. [would suggest you use crammed instead of crowded]

The customary rituals.

I, from the point of concentration,

watch the sequence in awe.

In the midst of the activities, dad [I would prefer you use the Hindi name for Dad, and use as a name so capitalise. It would so improve the poem.]

shows an immaculate cordiality.

Mother expresses poise. [suggest a comma leading to 'her exhaustion apparent' - Hindi for mother?]
Her exhaustion is apparent.

Both stand on the porch,
greet people with a namaste. [suggest 'with namaste']

The guests enjoy the delicacies. [you could say: the guests devour the delicacies, rejoice in the hospitality.]
Rejoice in the hospitality.

I find excitement in all,

driven by enthusiasm.

The ensemble disperses in spirit [use 'assembly' not ensemble] look up the dictionary definitions of these words.

Thoughts flood with pleasant memories.


You enthusiasm for poetry is apparent
you are growing by leaps and bounds
check usage before placing in the poem
especially words you are not familiar with.
Make sure the dictionary meaning is what you mean to convey in your work.


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 Post subject: Re: A Rememberance
PostPosted: 19 Jan 2018, 14:42 
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Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27
Posts: 393
Nice to see my old poem being workshopped.
Bernie's suggestion to close the poem with a shy glimpse of the virile groom sounds great.

Eira, thanks for liking the poem in spite of the spacing between the lines.

and Frank,
your attention to details is appreciated.
Papa, mama in the vernacular will make the poem interesting.
Thanks for your encouragement.
I will be careful in usage of words.

Thanks,

_________________
meenas17


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