I Told Her To Send It Out

[Billy]

I Told Her To Send It Out

"Don't waste your time. Haven't
seen anybody
iron since my mother." The iron
hisses, puffs
of steam rise like I imagine
the immaculate
body of Christ left the earth, too hot
for the world
to touch, then no more.
"I always want more.
Don't you?"
She smiles, ignores me, knows
I'm talking crazy again.
A light
flashes in the window.
The walls shake. The iron hisses.
She wipes her brow
with the back of her hand, readjusts
the shirt collar. "Don't work
so damn hard." The prow
of the iron
navigates the row of buttons.
"I'm feeling sad.
All this work for nothin,
except for an hour or two
they'll think I really cared."

[Bernie01]

Billy---

i like the subtle ending---and the deploying dialogue...but only in a truncated way....too much hissing, too much literal mimicking of the iron....and conventional sounds, at that. are they so important? not to me.

an the steam as an elevating christ figure....just way too much, yes?

the drama, the poem is here:

ignores me, knows
I'm talking crazy again.
A light
flashes in the window.

All this work for nothin,
except for an hour or two
they'll think I really cared.






Bruce Springsteen - Dancing in the Dark (Lyrics & Song) - YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEJ26h_cBqQ

Lyrics
I get up in the evening
And I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
Man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help
You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark


bernie

[meenas17]

I like the poem. It is appealing to me.
"She wipes her brow with the back of her hands", simple language but poetic in sense.
I appreciate poems for their feel and the spontaneity.
This one is one such.
Enjoyed. Thanks for sharing.

[Billy]

I love that I have gotten such divergent responses to this poem. Thanks Bernie, I'll consider your suggestions. I've had a couple of poets like the Jesus part. I feel like I've succeeded in some way when I get conflicting responses which seems to be true of a lot of my poems. Thanks Meenas.

[SivaVelliangiri]

I don't think you need the last line. Everything else seems to flow.I like the Jesus part best, also the house being lit. Liked reading your poem.
S

[BobBradshaw]

Good poem, Billy. I think Bernie points out the best part of the poem, the ending. I like feeling the physical part of hardware...I don't mind hisses, but maybe 'gasps' or 'rasps' could be considered. I am leaning with Bernie on the Christ part....but it's a good image, and can be used somewhere else if not here.

[Billy]

Thanks everyone, Siva, you're right about the last line, I've taken it out.